AXESS DENIED's blog: "My Writings ....."

Your touch swells over me like a cloud in a rainstorm, relieving my aching passion inside. You have breathed life in my soul which had long since been forgotten and abandoned. You have allowed me to look into the future as see the wonderous blessings that are to come. Your eyes give me the comfort I need to be strong and they soothe my uneasyness with love. Hearing my name come from your lips awakens an emotion that I have never dared to allow my heart to feel. I will walk with you on this journey of life, by my side, holding each other up and smiling along the way, hand in hand. Yearning to have you near me every waking moment of my life, learning from you and taking in all your glorious light. and when Either of us leave this sacred place a small piece of myself will leave with you and I will once again become a lifeless soul without you near.

I know many of you have not seen me online in quite some time. Just wanted to give my friends the 411. I have moved from Rantoul to Champaign. It has been a draining move on me and anyone involved. I would like to thank my friends who helped me with the process. it is unfortunate that I could not stay in my home, It was so comfortable there. I am sure some of you also know that I am awaiting to start a new Job on October 15th, Money has been tight and I have asked the kid's father if he would be willing to take temp custody of them for a while until I can get back on my feet. It is a hrd choice that I have made. Imiss them everyday that goes by, I have no phone to contact them and no job for gas to go see them. I feel like such a failure as a mother and a person. I felt so alone and Depressed. Until, Well a Friend came into my life. A friend from High School that I had known quite a while in my life. This friend has been a blessing to me. helping me through my rough times, Believing in me, Giving me the strength, the courage and the motivation to make things better for my situation. A friend that reminded me that I am a beautiful, smart, loving woman and that Others may have tried to convince me of otherwise. A friend that has reminded me of how wonderful it is to love and be loved for being yourself and not hiding who you are from everyone else. He has given me a new life within me, he has awaken so much that I had thought was dead so long ago. He is an amazing person and I am so thankful for him and all that he has helped me through. I am so lucky that our paths on our journey have crossed once again and that I have been given a second chance at Life, Love, Happiness and all that will come in the furture. To you, My friend, My confidant, My love, Thank you can not even come close to what you have done for me. I will always be here for you, to give you the things you have given me in your times of need. To remind you how smart, handsome, and amazing you are, to believe in yourself and give you the strength as well. To cherish you and show you love until the day I die.

I look deep into hazel your eyes,I see, in them, what I feel inside. We share something between us,Neither one of us can hide. We have fought it for so long I thought I would just die. I feel your lips touch mine, I loose all my control,All it took was a look and a kiss,To know that you are part of my soul. The heart that keeps my vessel alive. I see your hands on my skin,I want and need you to do more, The passionate look you give me,Tells me that heaven is in store. I do not want to live another day without you, I feel your need against my thigh,I know you will fulfill my every wish, We were made to fit together, Like pieces of a giant puzzle, All it took was a look and a kiss. I look deep in your hazel eyes,And I see heaven there inside, It feels like I have finally come home, I can peel away my walls, I can be free, I can finally Be "The Me" I have always wanted to be. You make me feel so beautiful,What I feel for you I cannot hide. I know this is Heaven.

Okay so some of you know me well and others don't know me at all. I have contemplated this decision for days now, whether I should let the Fubar community know this embarrassing tidbit about me. I know it would be shocking and I know I may gain or lose the interest of some friends but I would not be able to forgive myself if I did not come clean. So, I finally have to let my secret out. I am a total "Under the Cover" RPG Gamer. I love RPG games. I love to play a lot of games for that matter. Nothing better than the never ending challenge of Diner Dash, The Sims, Roller coaster Tycoon, Ages of Empires & Warcraft. My Two newest Conquest ........ Resident Evil 4 and Vampires, the Dark Alley Way. So there, now my secret is out. I know, I know, to you guys, it is totally Hot, right. The gals are like, "What the hell is RPG" a sex toy? lol. Well any who, you guys should check out Vampires, The Dark alleyway, Not only is it fun and challenging but if you sign up and I become your sire You help me to climb the Vamp Ladder. So give it a shot, maybe I will see you in the dark Alleys ....... http://quiz.ravenblack.net/blood.pl?biter=Genesis+Aurora

Staring out the window Into the darkness outside I have to stop and wonder Why I continuously hide. No one really knows "Me," Does anyone really seem to care? No one reaches out their hand to save me from this fall into despair Thoughts are always racingthrough this neglected mind of mine. Nothing ever makes any sense, It's all so hard to find I see the child inside me crying on her knees Her tears seem to flow through me, Oh God, Not now, please. Rip this anguish from me, take away the pain. Keep my sadness from taking over again and again. Everyday is a struggle and I am just out of fight. I want to calm my soul and just forgrt about this life. No More journey left for me, No more road to wonder down, no more dragging my heavy load along this lonely road. My heart and mind can not take it, I think I hear Lucifer, calling my name last night. So take away my memories, Take my last goodbyes. Take my breathe right from me, and just let me finally die. I am tired of this torture, Tired of this pain, the confusion and the hopelessness have suffocated my will. I have no heart of stone, I lack the strength to fight. No one in my life make any sense and no one makes it right. The things that I once Loved to do, do not excite me anymore. The passion that burned bright has been snuffed out tonight. So, please just honore my last request and open up your door. I know you can hear me knocking God, I'm falling to the floor. Please, Oh please. I am ready to come home, can't you see I have surrendered, I am done fighting this war.

I reached for your hand and you pulled it back. I leaned in to kiss you and you told me to stop. I put my arms around you to give you a hug, you side stepped my effort and gave me a shrug. I told you I loved you and you gave me a sigh. I told you, without out you, I know I would die. You stared at the Playstation and said so would I. I got jealous of her when she called on your cell. You told me, "Relax, there was nothing to tell." I gave you my heart and you threw it aside. Looked into my eyes and I started to cry. You asked me to not be so emotional. Tell me when this rollercoaster will stop, I'm tired of giving and you fucking it up. You question our happily everafter, but it is you who causes the relationship disaster. Have faith in our love as I do tonight and stop invoking the bitterness fight. I give you forever to stand by my side. Now, will you take it or run and hide?

I'm the girl who will put her head on your shoulder, not because I'm sleepy, but because I want to be closer to you... I'm the girl who likes to be kissed in the rain, more than in an expensive restaurant... I'm the girl who says, "Okay, but you owe me..." jokingly. Not because I actually want something, but because it means I get to spend more time with you and I care... I'm the girl you can take absolutely anywhere and I will have fun because it means I am spending time with you... I'm the girl who is incredibly picky, but when I find someone I like I want to spend the whole night curled up in their arms... I'm the girl who never forgets all the sweet little things you do for me... I'm the girl who once I let you into my heart, there's always a place there with your name on it. And even if we spend time apart, I'm the girl who never forgets you.. I'm the girl who loves to end a hug with a kiss.. I'm the girl who you can talk to about anything.. I'm the girl who laughs at your jokes... I'm the girl who will brag about you to all of my friends... (smiling the whole time) I'm the girl who will listen to you talk... I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me for no apparent reason... I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me from behind or kiss me on the cheek... I'm the girl who loves the feeling when you take me by the hand without saying a word... I'm the girl who loves you for you, and doesn't care what other people say about us... I'm the girl that will be there with you through the good times as well as be the rock to lean on in bad times.

Sitting here once again picking up the pieces of my shattered broken heart. Trying to fit the pieces back together but there are so many to even start. The one's my family took from me so long ago, my first love forgot to give me the one's he took as well. So many pieces missing from this puzzle of heartache, so many stories to tell. What's the use, it's so confusing, there are pieces that never seem to fit, colors that never match, and the box that holds the pieces is torn and tattered too. Reaching down, chaotically tearing the finished pieces apart, through a tear stained face, I throw them into the torn and tattered box. I will bring them out another time,try the pieces out, when there is no more breathe in me and I am done picking up the rest of the pieces of this shattered broken heart. "No Matter How much Love you give to a person, or how much of your heart they take. Sometimes Love just isn't enough. They chose a different path to walk on a leave you in solitude once again. Alone, Broken hearted, lonely and afraid. Wondering what you have done once again for someone to push your love away. I knew his decision right from the start but yet my heart knew nothing. I gave all of my love, all of me and is was not enough to keep him here with me. I refuse to give it to another for as long as I live, I was right to keep my heart guarded, right to build this wall. I was not having anyone else come in and make it fall. So now I start to build it up again and hope that the next person to come along will not be punished."