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I was walking down the street when I met a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner..

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it?

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food.


'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.
'I need to spend all my time trying to stay ! alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman.
I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner
with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked.
'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that?
I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine
.'!

 A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to
enter a password.  Something he could remember easily and will use each
time he has to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured
he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So
when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly
obvious to his wife that he was keying in........
 
 
       P...

       E...

       N...

       I...

       S...
  

    His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
      ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.' The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?' The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.' Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL??? Try it without looking at answers 1) Pick your Favourite number between 1-9 2) Multiply by 3 then 3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3 4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number…. 5) Add the digits together Now Scroll down .............. Now with that number see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below : 1. Einstein 2. Nelson Mandela 3. Jacob Zuma 4. Tom Cruise 5. Bill Gates 6. Gandhi 7. Brad Pitt 8. Hitler 9. Paulette 10. Barack Obama I know....I just have that effect on people....one day you too can be like me.... :-) Believe it! Ps. Stop picking different numbers. I am your idol, just deal with it!!!!
To the spoiled under 30 crowd, When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning ...Uphill ...Barefoot... BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, There was no way in hell I was going to lay A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you Don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! There were no MP3' s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting ! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school,Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600 ! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons,you spoiled little rat-bastards! And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted Five minutes back in 1980! Regards, The over 30 Crowd
You are on a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud. So every time you fart, you time it with the music. When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus Everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize. ............ You're listening to your IPod !
Menopause Jewelry My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say 'fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!"
The wisdom of Larry the cable guy...... 1. A day without sunshine is like night. 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 13. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? 21 Why do psychics have to ask you your name? 22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?' 23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 24. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.' The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards.What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?' 'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon. 'Oh, OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?' LOVE THIS ONE.......... She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up! FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!!
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