Serenity's blog: "Miscellaneous Crap"

It is time to change from REDNECK humor to TRUE AMERICAN Humor! Only I don't see it as Humor, but the correct way to LIVE YOUR LIFE ! If you feel the same, pass this on to your True American friends. Ya'll know who ya' are... You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God." You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival." You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You bow your head when someone prays. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You treat Vietnam vets with great respect, and always have. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never burned an American flag. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same. You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend. This is Excellent, No Matter what you deem fit to call it. It is our Country, It is our ways of LIFE, and I love it. If you agree please keep it going. Pass it on. God Bless the U S A !

The burning of a bear to death by a mob in south Kashmir’s Pulwama district last month has exposed the inefficiency of Wildlife Department in the management and protection of wild animals in the Valley. While the department blames the people and police for the incident, the government has ordered a probe and attached four officials. The Wildlife Department people had reportedly acted as mute spectators when the bear was first beaten and then ruthlessly set ablaze by the mob at Tral town. Though the incident took place on November 18, it was kept under carpet till a private TV news channel Sahara Samay showed the footage of the incident on December 17. “The bear had a child in its lap for 20 minutes, it however did not harm him. The animal left the child but the villagers locked it in a cowshed for night. In the morning, the animal tried to escape but the villagers chased it and burnt it,” Bilal Bhat, Srinagar Bureau Chief of the Sahara Samay told Greater Kashmir. “We saw officials of Wildlife shooting the bear with camera while it was set on fire. We asked them why they didn’t rescue the animal, they said the animal ‘had to die.’ Their reply shocked us.” Chief Wildlife Warden AK Shrivastava said a probe has been ordered into the incident. “We have identified the persons who killed the bear and asked the police to register the case against them,” he said. Besides, four officials, including a forest officer have been attached and Principal Conservator of Forests has been appointed as the inquiry officer “We did not face these kind of problems before. We will take immediate steps to upgrade our infrastructure,” he added. Deputy Commissioner Pulwama Meraj-ud-Din Kakroo told Greater Kashmir that he has ordered a probe into the matter. “I have directed the Senior Superintendent of Police Awantipora to take immediate and stringent action against the culprits who committed the brutal act. I have also asked the Chief Wildlife Warden to submit a detailed report on the incident and how to prevent their recurrence in future,” Kakroo said. But according to the wildlife experts the wildlife department exists on papers only as there is no laboratory, wildlife management tools and communication and transportation system. Last year 25 wild animals, mostly leopards were killed by people across the Valley. Another leopard who was beaten to moribund state by people, was kept in a lock-up of Sopur Police Station for a day and then ferried to Dachigam Wildlife Park in an auto-rickshaw. In 2003, a senior official of the department was injured while catching a leopard in Lal Bazaar here as he did not have required equipment like shooting nets. The Wildlife Department last year had submitted a proposal of Rs 27 lakh for purchasing important drugs, including vials for tranquilizers and mandatory equipment for wildlife management like cages, guns, darts and nets. Though Rs 1.74 lakhs were sanctioned the funds were made to lapse. Sources said the department failed to carry out works plan of 2004, which included rescue and relief operations of confiscated and abandoned animals, in violations of National Wildlife Action Plan and IUCN’s Species Survived Commission recommendations. Besides, the department has not carried any survey regarding the growing man-animal conflict in the Valley. In October 2004, Chief Wildlife Biologist Dr Mir M Mansoor had forewarned the concerned authorities about the consequences of man-animal conflict. “If any untoward incident takes place with respect to wildlife health care and management takes place, the same need to be attributed to the department’s veterinary wing. Instead it would be purely a part of authorities who have failed to provided basic facilities to this wing,” Dr Mansoor had said in his letter. “The lack of facilities of emergency nature to the wing has resulted in several causalities in the recent past which could have been averted. The black bear and the leopard cubs brought from Kupwara succumbed only because of unavailability of basic facilities.” “The non-scientific and non-sustainable development oriented approach is likely to turn the Wildlife Protection Department from a natural resource conservation sector into a developmental organization like PWD and JKPCC,” Dr Mansoor said. In the absence of non-implementation of projects and procurement of infrastructure over the years had increased the man-animal conflicts. Regional Wildlife Warden Farooq Geelani told Greater Kashmir that the incident of burning the bear was “unfortunate and shameful.” “Though this in an isolated incident, it should serve as an eye-opener for the department and we will ensure that such incidents don’t recur,” he said. He said, “When the mob is so furious even if we have necessary equipment, we cannot do anything. We got the information about the presence of bear and when some officers reached there, the bear had been killed.” “This was a law and order problem and it was the responsibility of police to control the situation,” he added. He said the department has trained staff but that is meant for management of wild animals in protected areas. When contacted, an official of Police Station Tral refused to give details about the incident. http://www.greaterkashmir.com/Home/Newsdetails

If you receive an e-mail entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive,but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strip on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice-cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings, which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. ** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN! **

A is for apple, and B is for Boat, that used to be right, but now it won't float. Age before beauty is what we once said, but let's be a bit more realistic instead. Now, A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac. D is for dental decay and decline; E is for eyesight, can't read that top line. F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas, which! I'd rather not mention. H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend.. K is for knees that crack when they bend. L for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget! What comes next? N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow! P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new. Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R for reflux, one meal turns to two. S for sleepless nights, counting my fears. T for tinnitus; there's bells in my ears. U is for urinary; big troubles with flow; V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know. W is for worry, NOW what's going round? X is for X-ray, and what might be found. Y is another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind. I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, And I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed!!

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay Old folk’s homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when You first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and You usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been With your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you." The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand Your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

he inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven. "Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,"I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and com mented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yep, that's me." God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?" God said, "Yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions; 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds; BR>3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; 5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!" "Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers...... more men are riding my invention than yours

You are at low risk for being a psychopath. It is unlikely that you have no soul. You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

1. What bill do you hate paying the most? -- ALL of Them!!!! 2. What's the best place to eat a romantic dinner? -- My House--- Anything someone else cooks- (not much of a 'Romantic' kinda person) <<<<<< I HEAR THAT!!!!! 3. Last time you puked from drinking? -- YRS & YRS AGO!!!! 4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar? Don't recall if I have..... that would have had to be in a blackout stage for me to dance or sing in public! Although, it is interesting to hear some of the things I have done! lolll 5. Name of your First Grade Teacher? grrr... Sister Nickodima.... yup... I was a Catholic School biotch complete with an ugly ass uniform!!!!! 6. What do you really want to be doing right now? Camping by the lake with a certain someone! with absolutely NO KIDS ANYWHERE TO BE FOUND!!!!!!!! 7. What did you want to be when you were growing up? A drummer, actress, dancer, princess, rich..... someone famous.... lolll 8.How many colleges did you attend before you settled on? Just one 2.... family life got in the way 9. Why did you wear the shirt that you have on right now? It was there-- handy, it fits, and is clean---lol <<< Yup...I'm with her!!! 10. Gas Prices! First Thought? I'm happy walkin..... Buy a horse! 11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you, where would you go and who would you bring? Someplace warm.... country or mountain setting with waterholes nearby.... my dog and cats! Dayum.... I need a man! lolll 12. First Thought When the alarm went off this morning? No Alarms.... That's for the kids, hehehehehe 13. Last thought before Falling asleep last night: Finally some peace and quiet! 14. Favorite style of Underwear? None 15. Favorite style of Underwear for the opposite sex? None 16. What Errand/Chore do you despise? Scrubbing these dayum hardwood floors!!!! 17. If you didn't have to work would you? Nope-- sure wouldn't 18. Get up early or sleep in? Sleep wayyyyyyy in 19. Your Favorite Cartoon Character? Racer X 20. Favorite NON sexual thing to do at night with a girl/guy? Watch a movie 21. A secret that you wouldn't mind everyone knowing? Then it wouldn't be a secret---- DUH 22. What was your First Car? 77 Chevy Malibu Classic 23. Your Best Your Mamma Joke? None 24. Your Favorite Lunch Meat? Imported or Tavern Ham --- Sliced super thin but not shaved or chipped! I'm a picky ass biotch! 25. What do you get every time you go into a gas station? I'll let you know the next time I have the chance to hit one up! (no vehicle at moment) 26. Beach Or Lake? either/or 27. Do you think Marriage is an outdated ritual that was invented by people who died at 20? No comment 28. Who do you Stalk on myspace? No one --- I'm not into stalking... that's for losers! 29. Favorite Guilty Pleasure? hmmmmmm....... 30. Favorite Movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about? None of those are a secret! lollll 31. What's your drink? Dt DEW!!!! 32. Cowboys or Indians? INDIANS!!!!!!!!!!!!! 33. Cops or Robbers? NEITHER 34. Do you cheer for the bad guy? Nope 35. What Hollywood star do you think resembles you best? Wouldn't know and don't care 36. If you had to pick one which cast member of Lost would you be? Sawyer... oooops! That's who you want to be not who you want to do, lolll~ 37. What do you want when you are sick? to be left alone! 38. Who from High School would you like to run into? Wendy and of course, my bro....Dan!!!!! 39. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now? 93.3 WMMR 40. Must have been eaten! 41. Stiffler or Oz? huh????? 42. Norm or Cliff? OMG.... NEITHER!!!!! 43. The Cosby Show or the Simpson's? same as above! 44. Worst Relationship Mistake that you wish you could take back? They were only a mistake when they went bad! When they were good they were fuckin awesome! I wouldn't change a thing! 45. Must have suffered the same fate as Q40!! 46. If you could get away with it who would you kill? My EX!!!!! I HATE the sorry ass deadbeat motherfucking abusive loser!!!!! 47. What Famous person would you like to have dinner with? hmmmmm..... only one????? only dinner????? 48. Went looking for Q's 40 & 45! 49. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose? No but my son thought it was a toy once and sprayed down my entire kitchen!!!!!! 50. Last book you read for real? Anne Rice's "Queen of the Damned" 51. Do you have a teddy bear? Hell NOOOOOO! 52. Strangest Place you have ever brushed your teeth? No place strange 53. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go? Never been and never thought of it 54. How many times a day do you text? Zero 55. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or relationship? I would just love to have a life.....PERIOD! 56. Do you go to church? nope 57. Pencil or Pen? Pen 58. Describe your favorite Day? Anytime the kids are gone! 59. How many jobs have you had? Tooo many 60. What would be your "dream job"? hahahahaha... it'll never happen anyways so why say it! lolll 61. What do you want to achieve in life? See my kids grow up and hopefully be a grandparent someday. Ohh Shiott, I didn't just say that!!!!

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines. 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine. 4. Leave a note on your door that reads: "Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside!"