Handwriting:
Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. (Very True with me!)
Women: Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the "i" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the "p" and "g". It is a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Groceries:
Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things.
Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man Reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane. (Hey when I go grocery shopping, women get envious, because I actually know what I am doing and I can usually make a small killing while I stock up)
Relationships:
Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need. (Not me, I don't drink, but I do get down in the dumps for a while but after I get past that, I am fine)
Sex:
Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay. (Hell's bells!! This is nonsense, I like to take my sweet time with the "appetizers" before I go in for the "main course".)
Maturity:
Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. (Listen up, it is called "Male Bonding" deal with it)
Magazines:
Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. (Hey I look at it like this, if women were not meant to be looked at while naked, then they would not have been made so good looking.)
Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. (OK girls, who ya trying to kid? Do you really know how many times I have caught a woman checking out my ass? Gotta give you credit though, you all sure as hell are a lot sneakier than we are in this area.)
Bathrooms:
Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- Toilet paper, a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. (Hey we just stick to the basics. Why get so damn fancy anyhow? We basically low maintenance creatures.) Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items. (So very true, too damn confusing, but it is a good idea to be able to indentify the really important things as it may save our asses so we know when to keep our damn mouths shut when the "visitor" shows up each month and our weekend is totally shot) Shoes:
Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. (Let's not forget the number of shoes that she has in her closet, many of which she has only worn once and will never wear again, I have known a few women that would give Imelda Marcos a run for her money when it comes to the amount of shoes owned.)
Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks. (Once again, we keep things real simple, maybe a couple of pairs of shoes, a pair of sneakers and a pair of boots. I change my socks daily and during the summer I rarely wear socks.)
Cats:
Women: Women love cats.
Men: Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. (Cats can be nice and cute, but they can also be a pain in the ass too. In all honesty though, I do love cats, they are easier to care for than a dog, I just wish they were as obedient as a dog.)
Children:
Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. (How many of these belong to me? There would be times that half the damn neighborhood would be at my house, and at DINNERTIME)
Dressing Up:
Women: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
Men: A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. (Usually his own)
Laundry:
Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.
Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love American Style." (Reminds me of when I was in the Army and when I would go to the Laundromat and play the "Inept Bachelor" and some woman would take pity on me LOL) Eating Out:
Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. (Here we just apply the K.I.S.S. method "Keep It Simple Stupid") Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. (Ladies, please take a lesson from us on this, OK???)
Mirrors:
Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror. (Once again we just keep it simple)
Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys' heads. (I cannot top this)
Menopause:
Women: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. (and heaven help the poor guy who is going through it with her, life can truly be a living hell at this stage)
Men: Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. (Hey let's not forget looking at the gals who are young enough to be our daughters)
The Phone:
Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. (Once again we are just really simple creatures, we do what we gotta do and then we get back to watching the game on TV)
Women: A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. (This truly baffles the hell outta me) Richard Gere:
Women: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men: Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. (and we want to kick his ass)
Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason. (They wanna kick her ass, we just want to tag her)
Toys:
Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. (Nonsense, after a few years of marriage they start getting friendly with "BOB")
Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. (Hey you left out the power tools, especially the cordless ones)
Cameras:
Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. (I never spent that much in my life on photo equipment)
Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures. (Sometimes)
Locker Rooms:
Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. (True)
Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. (I have overheard some women engage in "locker room talk" and I thought us guys were bad, damn these gals could make a sailor blush)
Movies:
Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. (Hey we are men and we like to see some skin)
Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. (and we want to kick his ass)
Jewelry:
Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. (true)
Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic. (true)
Conversation:
Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, "Wow, great movie." or "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size."
Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.
Leg Warmers:
Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. (True, I haven't seen any women wearing those in ages though.)
Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line." (Why would I want to wear those damn things anyhow? Plus didn't they go out back in the 80's?)
Friends:
Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.
Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?" (What about, "Look at the size of them things")Restrooms:
Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met WIll leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse themselves to use the restroom. (Why the hell is that? Are they comparing notes or something?)
Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?" (We use it for its intended purpose and then we get the hell out of there. However if it is overly crowded and we can't hold it any longer than maybe another 30 seconds, there are two words that will clear out a mens room in record time and that word is "Nice dick", a note of caution is in order here; this tactic is only to be used in a very dire emergency and never in San Francisco, Fire Island or Provincetown)
