Auntie BlueJaysGirl's blog: "Life Philosophy"

My entire life I have fought fiercely for what I want.  I would work way too hard to try to maintain friendships or relationships when clearly the other person involved was not as invested in me as I was in them.  It is exhausting and just ends up making me feel hurt in the end.  Maybe it is even selfish of me to be that way... as if I would be forcing my friendship upon other people.

Truthfully, friendship is a two way street and people need to be invested in each other for it to grow over time.  I have been really sick recently and I have seen who has taken the time to be there for me, both in my real life and even on an online community like fu.  I am appreciative and grateful when people don't abandon me without explanation.

I would never try to make anyone get to know me or spend time with me or any such thing.  People tend to have a habit of just disappearing without telling me what's going on, and I think my inherent flaw here is expecting others to be as considerate as I am.

I am by FAR not a perfect person and I have more flaws than anyone I know, but you can be certain that whatever I am is real.

This isn't an angry blog, there is no animosity or hatred here.  I just wish people didn't use their friendships or relationships with me as an escape from reality, when it truth it could be something meaningful and real.

I have considered trying to change myself into an indifferent person who just pretends everything is awesome all the time and who could really care less about anyone I come into contact with until they give me a reason, but that just wouldn't be ME. I worry about my friends and try to take the things they say at face value, and therein lies the rub because really, who means anything they say these days?

When someone asks, "how are you?" how often do they actually care to hear the answer?  Most people reply, "fine how are you" as a nicety but the majority of people aren't even listening.  I will never be like that, for better or for worse.

I guess what I am getting at is that if someone takes the time out of their busy life to spend some with me, it is appreciated by me and I do not take it for granted.  And for those who take me for granted, maybe I will learn to just disappear from their lives the way they disappear from mine.  I really don't think I can be that way but maybe I should.

I'm not sure if people are going to end up reading this convoluted and incoherent message because it is not going to be publicized the way I did with the contest I ran last week, but I certainly appreciate a good discourse on life so I welcome any comments and conversation about this, and I feel a little better having written it, so it is all good.

Hugs and Love,

Debbie