Auntie BlueJaysGirl's blog: "Life Philosophy"

Hey guys,

I haven't written a blog in a month so I thought I would spend a few moments to share some thoughts.

This post is about letting go of the past.  It seems this time of year, at least in my life, people come out of the woodwork from my past, reappering and causing me all kinds of mixed feelings as the conversations lead me to remember the good and not so good events that took place with that person.  Out of nowhere this week, 4 men that I had dated in the past all contacted me wanting to rekindle things. I just can't revisit previous relationshps though.

I did try it once or twice, to give someone a second chance, but it never worked out.  One of these exes I am friends with, but the others, I really just shut them out of my life with good cause (in my opinion.)

Well, I find it difficult in general to let go of things.  My memory astounds me and makes this a difficult endeavor.  I guess I should be thankful that I am not a hoarder, considering how hard this is for me.  But, in terms of friendships and relationships, moving on is hard for me unless I formally do something, in this case writing this blog.

It has been a full month now since the last time I heard from my first fu friend.  The last time we spoke he said he was going to the store and would be back, and now a month later, not a word. Not on here, not on email, not on skype or the phone, gone.  I struggle with this because I am a caring caregiver type of person (hence kindergarten teaching suits me) and so I have spent energy being worried every single day about his well being.  And rest assured, I am aware that he is not likely spending his time worrying about my well-being or I would have heard from him.

I am trying to shift my thinking... trying to just send positive thoughts and let it go.  I have other friends to talk to besides him, obviously, but we had such a nice connection that it is hard to believe was fake.  Maybe he will come back online sometime, maybe not, and if he does, I would still be friends, but trust would be tough to build.

I don't know why it is so tough for me to just let it go, and shrug it off saying, "that's the internet for ya" but I guess it is just not my nature.  It is not the first time that a friend has just gone without a trace, but every time it happens it makes it harder for me to let other people be close to me, because I just get worried that they will end up abandoning me too.  I have accepted that this happens, and I know I would never do that to someone.  I believe in closure even if it is awkward and I think it would be inconsiderate to be anything less.  I guess writing this is my form of saying goodbye to him.

My friends joke around with me that the reason my chest is so large is because my heart is enormous and has so much room to love my friends and family, and someone special when there is one.  And there is one... and I am so thankful for him entering my life.  Just as I am thankful to my family and friends, and yes, even my fu family and friends, for choosing to include me in their lives.

If this blog doesn't make sense it's because I am an expert rambler and it is also 3 in the morning, but I felt like I needed to get this off my chest, no pun intended. Well, maybe intended.

If you happen to read this please don't lurk, let me know with a comment so I can thank you personally for taking the time.

Happy New Year and may all our wishes and dreams come true in 2014... mine is starting off well already :) xoxo

My entire life I have fought fiercely for what I want.  I would work way too hard to try to maintain friendships or relationships when clearly the other person involved was not as invested in me as I was in them.  It is exhausting and just ends up making me feel hurt in the end.  Maybe it is even selfish of me to be that way... as if I would be forcing my friendship upon other people.

Truthfully, friendship is a two way street and people need to be invested in each other for it to grow over time.  I have been really sick recently and I have seen who has taken the time to be there for me, both in my real life and even on an online community like fu.  I am appreciative and grateful when people don't abandon me without explanation.

I would never try to make anyone get to know me or spend time with me or any such thing.  People tend to have a habit of just disappearing without telling me what's going on, and I think my inherent flaw here is expecting others to be as considerate as I am.

I am by FAR not a perfect person and I have more flaws than anyone I know, but you can be certain that whatever I am is real.

This isn't an angry blog, there is no animosity or hatred here.  I just wish people didn't use their friendships or relationships with me as an escape from reality, when it truth it could be something meaningful and real.

I have considered trying to change myself into an indifferent person who just pretends everything is awesome all the time and who could really care less about anyone I come into contact with until they give me a reason, but that just wouldn't be ME. I worry about my friends and try to take the things they say at face value, and therein lies the rub because really, who means anything they say these days?

When someone asks, "how are you?" how often do they actually care to hear the answer?  Most people reply, "fine how are you" as a nicety but the majority of people aren't even listening.  I will never be like that, for better or for worse.

I guess what I am getting at is that if someone takes the time out of their busy life to spend some with me, it is appreciated by me and I do not take it for granted.  And for those who take me for granted, maybe I will learn to just disappear from their lives the way they disappear from mine.  I really don't think I can be that way but maybe I should.

I'm not sure if people are going to end up reading this convoluted and incoherent message because it is not going to be publicized the way I did with the contest I ran last week, but I certainly appreciate a good discourse on life so I welcome any comments and conversation about this, and I feel a little better having written it, so it is all good.

Hugs and Love,

Debbie