legalboxers's blog: "Life"

( An open letter to her)

*song playing in the background: Margo Rey - This Holiday Night*

Our friends show up. Despite this pandemic.

The table is set, the place settings are there. The food is in the oven. You look amazing in your dress. Your eyes really stand out in what you are wearing, regardless you saying you "hate dressing up" and look "bougie" , whatever the hell that means..

The tree has many presents under it.

We are at the table eating our meal with our friends..

I propose a toast. To your friends.. My friends. And especially you, to the person who got me through this hell. Who was there by my side, my soulmate my love, my person. The person who was by me through thick and thin, The most amazing woman who I am lucky enough to call my fiancee... My better half. My love. My mirror... Someone who I know who I would spend the end of time with, someone I know who would be with me through thick and thin...

But then I wake up...

I try and see through the fog.. the haze....

I scream out you name. I shout.. I cry... You are not there anymore. You were nothing but a dream to me. A dream which I will try and hold on to. In my darkest times. To Try and take pieces of the good times, to shine the light when the days and nights are cold, to keep me warm at night. To know you were there when this whole world was falling apart. And to know your no longer there and I had to fight it by myself.

Merry Christmas.. Wherever you are...I love you.....

seemed contentious... but...

Today, like many people, are getting married today. As for me, today was one of the days the ex wanted to get married (10/10/2020 - if you see the numbers, but I think they wanted to do it in February 13, 2021). I had planned it in how she could of wanted it.

Something like this would of been prepared for us. By a beach, or bluff. Could see the moon and the stars.

*Perfect - Ed Sheran (Instrumental playing)

You looked amazing in a wedding dress.. And I looked Ok-ish in my Tux.

As we faced the Pastor. These were my wedding vows:

I do not believe you said yes to me when I asked you to marry me, and I still do not believe you are standing next to me, in this time, in this place, reciting vows before our friends and family. And I still do not believe, when all this ceremony is over, that you will be my beautiful wife. My person for eternity and life.

For twenty years of my life, I have experienced nothing but pain and hardship, heartache and pain. From getting my degree, as a high point. To volunteering my time to protect and serve the city in their times of need. To the death of my father, to the illness of my mother. I have seen many and dealt with many hardships. I did not think love would ever come to me, or I deserved love. When I met you during the worst time, in what the world was dealing with, with the world which was crashing down by us. The passing of your mother. I did not know what was in store for me.

But here I am, standing next to you. Through everything. I knew I found my person, my soulmate, my love. It took me twenty years for me to meet someone like you. Through all the storms, through the darkness. You found me in a place I was not happy with and did not deserve to be in. You lowered your love to the well of my despair, your love and devotion shined through in the darkest, and brought me to the light. And your love was the highest point. Which made me complete.

They say good things come to those who wait. And I waited long enough and I was about to loose hope. But, you are here, and I know everything will be okay, and I know both of our hearts are now one. I can't thank you enough for coming into my life. And being my soulmate..my person. my love..

But you are not here. You never existed, you are gone...And here I am. Wherever you are, I hope you are happy and smiling and got whatever you wanted in life. And I hope they made you and made you a wonderful life. I know you made a beautiful bride. Even though I was not there...

I love you.. Always...

She said she was going through a rough time. It was a few days before valentines day. We started talking more, and watching a tv show together on the phone. She also took care of her mom. And her 4 cats (I grew close to them)

We would talk on the phone all night. At this time, she would have issues with her hot water heater. Many outbursts, yelling at me - projecting as the term is I am assuming. This would go on for 2 weeks Im guessing.

With Covid going on, alot of cancellations of events were going on. Some of which I attended. So we still talked on the phone. She wanted to meet, I thought ok. So she gave me her work address. Didnt know why but for some reason I had an idea of where she lived without the work address. So around the final week of march I get a phone call from her that her mom wasnt breathing. So I told her to call 911, I was at her house maybe 4 hours later. My mom wanted to come with me since she wanted to go shopping.

I was at the hospital with her. I did not go in with her, because of covid (I should have - but my mom being an RN of 55 yrs, and aged herself, suggested I should not) Her mom died a few hours later. When I took her back home to drop things off, I took her food shopping and to the liquor store. She was thankful to me.

Two days later, her mom was to be cremated, again I was not able to go due to Covid (my mother needed me home) as I was doing dishes my ex fiancee from way back messaged me to cause problems. I told her to please leave me alone (This was strike one to her - A TEXT ON THE WORST DAY OF HER LIFE). And she got mad at me as well because I did not go with her to pick up her ashes.

Sometime after was her birthday. We had bad rains and a tornado warning. I could not move my car due to downed trees in the area. She did not believe me and was like "you could of come seen me, it was my first birthday without my mom. I made the attempt. But - again, I could not get out of my driveway (not understanding).

The following day - I would spend 2-3 days with her. I could not stay in her house since they were fleas in her bed, and her house smelled of cat litter, and urine.

I would spend the nights in the hotel (which I paid for) watch 90 day fiancee with her (I cant watch that anymore because of her, I cry) So one of these days/nights I was with her. I got a text message from my bank telling me someone hacked my card. As this was going on, my friend was calling me non stop needing to talk to me. I told them I was with someone. I told them I was with my fiancee (yeah I jumped the gun but its 2020, with all what was going on I didnt want to die alone, or be alone,I thought she loved me) I went back home to get a change of clothes the following morning and went back to take her food shopping. My friend kept on texting me. She got mad at that. because I didnt tell them where to do (and this person only calls me when they needed something, anytime else she dont call).

The final strike was when my friend who has stage 3 breast cancer messaged me. She flipped at this point and was going through my phone and seen I sent her a picture, on Feb 12th - 2 days BEFORE she and I were in a relationship). She said "Your not my person" I want no memories of you. And threw a metal can of deodorant at my head, and beat me with her charging cable to her phone.

During the nights I wasnt with her she would treat me like $#%^, only be nice to me the days she would see me. And at night she would cry "I want to be with my mommy, I want to be with my grandma" crying..

I did everything I could. I dont know or how to feel. I feel my life has been upended. This was the oly relationship I was in, where I felt whole.

Not to mention, the day I told her "you can do what you want" - 12 hours later she posts a pic of some new guy.

A few days ago,she calls me and blames me for something I have no connection with, the wants to talk to my mom (as her MAN told her to) to say how I did nothing for her, even though I paid for the pizza and wine the nights I was with her, gave her some of my cherished stuffed animals (She said she wanted no memory of me - but wears the bras I got for her, a dunder miffin shirt, and security shirt she wanted, paid for someone to clean up her front and back lawn, to fix her fuses in her house, and got cat food and cat litter, and a fan for her room.

20 years. What have I been through. A hell of alot. From seeing 9/11, to my father dying, to getting engaged, to finishing my degree, to joining the dept, to getting a break up, and getting award after award, leaving the dept, and getting into a failed relationship again..
I did so much in my life. and Im still here..All I want is someone to love me.. is that so much??

SO I called code enforcement. No proof. You listen to your no neck guy who you dated 2 years ago. he just "dropped" in your lap.

I dont know.

tomorrow will be 20 yrs since I got discharged from the air force. never made it to lackland.. never made it to basic. never was able to serve my country as I should and Im stil a loser. I never got you. You were my prize at the end of the rainbow.. I wanted you to love me I wanted you to marry me. I wanted you to be my happiness. I dont think I will get that. I love you. I fucking love you so much... even after you accuse me of shit I did not do. Im stupid. I know that...I just want happiness.. please God.. please.. someone please help me and pray for me...

A young man and his bear

There once was a boy who had a stuffed animal teddybear. The boy didnt have much.
He would do what he had to do, then retreat into a small box he lived in. It wasnt much. It is cold, dark, and damp. But the young man was happy and content with what he had. One day a huge snow storm fell. And the boy woke up to complete darkness. The boy was use to compelete darkeness but nothing like this.

So one day the boy seens some light coming from above. The boy looks at his bear and says "is someone coming for us" the bear says "I hope so, I dont like living in here". The light gets brighter and this girl stands there. She helps him out and his bear out of the darkness. They both look at the girl and say thank you.

"My name is Abbi" the girl says. I am Liam and this is my sidekick bear named Snowy. "A sidekick bear " Abbi asks. "I live alone in this box, its cold and dark and the bear is my only friend". Abbi smiles "would you like to go on an adventure?" she asks. "Sure, lets go" Liam responds, bringing his bear along for the adventure. Abbi and Liam went everywhere together. Snowy smiles seeing his owner happy. One day Abbi and Liam went out to dinner. Liam noticed Abbi had a sheep named Sammi. "Is the sheep yours?" Snowy asks. "Why yes, that is Sami". Snowy goes to Sammi and hands him part of his sandwich. "Thank you dear friend" Sami responds. "looks like our humans are happy". Yes says Snowy..

As days go by Liam starts to get sad. "Whats wrong ?" Asks Snowy. "I dont think Abbi likes me anymore. she yells at me too much". "Maybe she dont understand us" Snowy responds.

Liam tries everything to make Abbi happy. Until one day, Liam and Snowy wake up to see it dark again. "wake up, there is no more light" Snowy shouts. Liam looks up, and sees it dark, but much darker than it was normal. Hello? Anyone around" Liam shouts. No response. "Hello?" "Snowy shouts... They wait, they hear nothing. Its getting colder,so they both know it had to have snowed alot. "Are we alone again?" asks Snowy.

Yes we are.. they both start to cry....

you call me trash because I didnt let you walk over me.. because I didnt back down from you harassing me over a text message...

Your entire life you been living in a dark, cold, box. You do your motions in life, and you go back to that box. No matter what time of year, no matter what season. You go back to that box. Until one day, someone comes and punctures a small hole, shining a light. The light slowly blinds you but you see fingers, and hands. Trying to pull you out. You know they are broken too, and you have something in common. That bond is what brought you together.  Now they were bumps, fights which made it wrought, twisted tangled, and frayed. But there was a small thread holding it together. But she used scissors and cut the last piece of thread holding it. Sending you free-falling into back into your darkness.

The box has been covered again, but this time, its more darkness, and has gotten colder.