sewsavannah's blog: "just thinking"

darryl martin noble, war god strong and silent you were born knowing and seeing i remember the first time i held you you watched me and i knew that you knew who i was and that you were my beloved son heart of my heart you grew to a man oh, such a man no mother could hold more pride a soul should explode from such joy

sariah elizabeth my princess, my oath to god the first time i saw your face you were screaming and red and crying with rage & fear and the most beautiful sight i had ever seen then i saw you straining sweating and working so hard to bring the next generation to the world and i realized that as a mom i never loved you more

alison june noble kin, born to usher in the sun precious one adored beloved brought to life to save my own you are my soul and i will always love you and hold you and keep you safe my daughter my friend the one who makes me think and smile and wipes my tears when i am frustrated how our relationship changes day to day and never becomes a burden with the laughing eyes and brilliant mind and beautiful smile you are the greatest of my works

aaron adonai exaulted and strong god is my lord such a short time you blessed me with your breath on my skin and your hand so small in mine tiny son tiny dream tiny heart i will see you again and we will dance and sing beneath perfect skies my child o how i still miss you

do you love me the way you need to to keep me? would you trust me with your soul? could you cherish me even when i am ebil? or especially then? i'm not sure about myself how can i be sure about you? just hold on hold on hold on because i'm here really, i am somewhere

to simple to pure of heart and unrestrained of passion to perfect moments shared in imperfect places to living and to loving and to being free with each other to the moon and to the stars and the rain and nights that you wish would never end but do. to brilliance and inspiration and to laughter and music and kind hugs on tough days to dreams and hopes and all of that good stuff that makes tomorrows bearable to family and to friends and to kinfolk of all sorts to playfulness and seriousness and keeping the faith to mothers and brothers and sisters and cousins and daughters and sons and lovers who will some day join the fold to love pure and simple without boundaries without walls without pain felt alone to finding out that you're not alone even when you are the only human in the room and to being blessed always blessed even when we refuse to see it

today was one of those days i'd rather have not happened. ever have one of those? the kind of day that you just want to erase from your memory? to start with, i'm just tired today. i've been tired for the past week or so, but can't seem to sqeeze in enough sleep time. i went to work and spent some time cleaning the studio so it was all shiny and clean and in comes my first client and the kids trash the place. shoot their sitting, send them on their way, clean some more. aquisition more clients into the studio, and spend from noon to 2:40 with them for god's sake. take their money, send them on their way and try to find something to eat... but who do i run into in the granola isle? yeah, my stalker. text my friend the cop. he texts me back and says hang loose, all will be ok. back to my studio - get my head bit off because my next client had a 3p appt and it was ---- 3:01 --- ooo damn. give me a m-f-in break. a minute. shoot her pictures, have no mercy on her. she loves them and has to pry open her wallet so now she's even more peevish. grrr. still no food, btw, so my blood sugar is now insane. even though i keep trying to prove it's possible, i am well aware that susan can not live on coffee alone. another sitting. clean up again. time to go home. my damned car has a flat tire. it's raining. i'm too damned girly to do this stuff. my phone rings, it's my friend... he sends his son in law to change my tire. or not. because he doesn't know which way to turn the lug nuts and tightens ALL of them even more before he listens to me say LEFTY LOOSIE, DAMMIT. my son is uptight because i'm too far away to help. my brother is angry because i ran over a screw.. remind me to inspect the road from now on. my friend is uptight because i'm too girly... well, duh. i'm girly. ask my son, he'll tell you - i invented being a girl. my daughter calls me, her boyfriend drives up, fixes my car and hugs me and tells me that i'm ok. good guy. he needs the brownie points anyway. i think he's going to ask to marry her. *yikes* what a day. i'm home. my hair is a mess. good god, i had grease on my hands. give me good, clean earth under my nails and i'm cool. i'll dig in the soil for hours. anything BUT car filth. good god. i think i'm amish at heart. if only they allowed music and photography i'd be cool. oh well the day's over. i'm home. the kids are making jambalia in the kitchen and smooching... everything will be ok. *focus* *breathe* *sigh* yeah. tomorrow's just a heartbeat away.

i don't deal well with unrest in my life. i'm rather considered a peaceful person, i keep to myself a lot and do what i have to do without insinuating myself into other people's lives. that's just me. i like things quiet and peaceful. but drama seems to follow me. it's nuts. i go to work, mind my business, dress modestly and do my work and end up with a damned stalker. i contact a cop about the guy and he ends up asking me out to dinner and calling me off hours until i have to tell him off. it felt like that children's song about the old lady and the fly (she swallowed a spider to catch the fly...) i contact a cop to chase off the fireman... i come from this close knit irish catholic family, they got wind of my goings on through my brother - and now the pressure is on me to move closer to them. i've spent my entire life in the shadow of them... consequently i am moral by nature and do well with an authority figgure in my life. but hell. it gets a little old sometimes. it's like going to confession. :) help me brother, for i have sinned. i have not called mother in over a week, i have no desire to live in atlanta, or nashville or chattanooga or new jersey. i want to live where i am and do as i am doing and maybe eek out some sort of happiness on my own, but occasionally i need help. anyhow. i'm from a large family. i have one of my own. it's just craziness.

discourteous goddamned freaking trash! ooooo i wanna kill my new neighbors children and all my god. anybody know of any rentals in savannah because if i don't move somebody's gonna die

they asked me to come home to start with a clean slate to be the golden girl the prodigal child returned to the fold returned to their lives how is it possible that i can live away from them from my roots from it all and i sighed i took a breath i took a moment because it was so hard to explain that i am never going backwards again they asked me to forgive them and to accept forgiveness to be brought, to be bought returned to my roots returned to all they find holy how is it possible that i can exist within another world far from my roots far from them all and i signed i took a breath i took a moment because i realized it wasn't hard at all to explain to myself that i am not even close being who i used to be not even close.