SherryliciousMmmmm's blog: "Jokes"

They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'



'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES.................     

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.     

They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something,

Then give a talk on productive salesmanship.     

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!' The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, Give the ballerina a drink!' The bartender approached the little drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?' The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning. "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And, now you sir?", he asked the second man. "Hmmm...let me see. "A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular clich for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. "Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of" The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three Answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh sure", said Old Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants." Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you! You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!.

The teacher walks in and finds an apple on her desk with the letters 'ILU" written on it. She asks who left the apple, and a little white girl raises her hand. "Well, sweetie, what does 'ILU' mean?" The little girl replies,"I love you." The teacher says, "Isn't that sweet" and continues with class. The next day the teacher finds a banana on her desk with the letters "YAS" written on it. The teacher asks who left the banana and what the letters mean. A little white boy raises his hand and says,"It means, 'You are special.'" "Thank you sweetheart," the teacher says. The following day, the teacher walks in to find a basket of bannock with the letters "FUCK" written on it. The enraged teacher asks who left it. A little Indian girl raises her hand and cheerfully says,"Yes ma'am, I left it. It means, 'From Us Cree Kids'."

A young minister was asked by a funeral director in Lawton to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through south-central Oklahoma. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As the young minister was not familiar with the area, he became lost; and being a shy man, he did not stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late. The young minister saw the crew eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in place. The young minister assured the workers he would not hold them long, but he believed that it was still the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. The young minister poured out his heart and soul. As he preached, the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory," in affirmation. The young minister preached and preached, like he'd never preached before. He then closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to his car. The young minister felt that he had done his duty for the homeless man and thought that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness. As the young minister was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anythin' like this before . . . and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."