SherryliciousMmmmm's blog: "Jokes"

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." "Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, india, etc The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... " He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. "But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?" and...they lived happily ever after

I MET AN OLDER WOMAN AT A BAR LAST NIGHT. SHE WASN’T BAD FOR 57, WE DRANK AND BULLSHITTED A BIT, THEN SHE ASKED IF I’D EVER HAD A “SPORTSMAN DOUBLE” , A MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 3 SOME ? I SAID NO. WE DRANK A BIT MORE, THEN SHE SAYS THAT TONIGHT WAS MY LUCKY NIGHT. I WENT BACK TO HER PLACE. SHE PUT THE HALL LIGHT ON AND SHOUTED UPSTAIRS: “MOM YOU STILL AWAKE”

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then after a while he says thoughtfully, "You’d better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room, watching one of those medical programs on TV and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If >that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and then poured all of my beer down the sink!! She's Such A Bitch sometimes...........

Apple announced today that it has developed a tiny computer chip that, when surgically implanted, can store and play music in women's breasts. The "iBreast" will cost between $499 and $599. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife... "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him." You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, he can spend it." Send this to every clever female you know, and to every man who thinks they are smarter than us (women)!!!

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such Great condition for 10 years. Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller," whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in." When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." No problem," he says.. And in they go. Joe is shocked ! Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As Dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered,her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks . So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, All right, that's enough, I'll do the dishes!"

An Irishman, a Italian and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Italian opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Pasta again! If I get pasta one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Italian opens his lunch, sees pasta and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Italian's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him linguini or mastacholi! I didn't realize he hated pasta so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I Had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself : Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?" Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs." Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" Maxine: "No, they spread