Echo Angel's blog: "Jokes/Humor"

A friend of mine was up late one night playing on the internet. The next morning while we were on the phone, he decided to forward some of the messages to me. Please know that he is normal by all standards, this was only in good fun!

Ok, first we have the girl with vegetable fetish. Now, I don’t knock anyone with a fetish…but vegetables?

HER: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?

HIM: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.

HER: What the f**k is this madlibs? I'm outta here.

HIM: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see.

Then, I’m not sure how this one got started, but I can tell you it ended in me never asking him to bring me a pizza.

HER: what do you look like?

HIM: I've got blonde hair and blue eyes, and I work out a lot. I've got a part time job delivering pizza for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.

HIM: Want to place an order?

HER: oh yes baby…

HIM: Extra large, dripping with sauce??

HER: oh yeah bring it to me pizza boy

HIM: Yeah baby, I ring your doorbell, but you don't hear because you're still in the shower, so I let myself in. I place the pizza on your coffee table.

HER: im getting all clean for you

HIM: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven!

HIM: you leave the bathroom, wearing nothing but a towel...

HER: yeah

HIM: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstasy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....

Ok, again not sure how this one got started either, I only know how it ended…and she will never want to have “SEX CHAT” again, I’m sure!

HER: Yeah I’m slipping out of my clothes right now, what do you look like?

HIM: a Kodiak bear

I’m soft naked, fuzzy and waiting for you to come mount me

HER: Oh I love cute fuzzy bears, I walk up and get on top of you stroking your soft hair, kissing you gently as my move my way down your stomach

HIM: I growl to warm you my cubs are near

HER: huh?

HIM: Bears get fuckin pissed when anyone is near their cubs

HER: yeah hehe don’t be silly..

I love how you growl as I continue to kiss you, while taking off your pants.

HIM: Bears don’t wear pants and you should cover yourself in Honey now

HER: hehe you would love to lick that off me huh. I pour honey all over my warm wet body waiting for

you to start licking it off me slowly

HIM: I sniff the air to see where the sweet scent of the honey is coming from, while slowly snorting and

walking towards you

I Growl again, and start to bite you

HER: Yeah that feels good..ooooo...not too hard now

HIM: I bite harder peeling flesh from your stomach, and look up into your eyes to show you my mouth you

dripping with your warm blood mixed with honey, I then I let my cubs rip apart your limbs and play

with you like a rag doll.

HER: what the fuck?

HIM: uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh and I’m spent.

@

Now, here is a long but totally off the wall funny. I was in tears the whole time I was getting this. I hope you like it just as much.

HER: what do you look like?

HIM: I'm 6'3" and about 280 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Wal-Mart. I’m also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

HER: do you want to come over

HIM: sure

HER: you get here and I start kissing you, leading your lips down my neck

HER: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I’m rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

HIM: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I’m sorry.

HER: Don't worry about it. I’m wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

HIM: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

HER: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I’m reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

HIM: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

HIM: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

HIM: I'm so sorry. Really.

HER: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

HER: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

HIM: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold!

HER: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

HIM: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

HER: What's the matter?

HIM: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

HER: Are you OK?

HIM: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

HER: Can I help?

HIM: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

HER: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

HIM: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

HER: Come back to me, lover.

HIM: I'm washing the cup now.

HER: I'm on the bed arching for you.

HIM: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

HIM: I found it.

HER: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

HIM: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

HER: Why don't you take off your glasses?

HIM: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

HIM: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

HER: Hurry back, lover.

HIM: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

HER: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

HIM: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

HER: What's the matter now?

HIM: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

HER: Mmm, yes. Come on.

HIM: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

HIM: I'm flaccid.

HER: What?

HIM: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

HER: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

HIM: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

HER: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

HIM: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

HER: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

HIM: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

HER: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

@

Now, let me tell you that this is also my friend who the T-Rex pictures were for. I have been asked a time or two about the story behind the pictures. I am going to write this as I have typed out the conversations above cause I think it may make it easier to understand. You have already got a big taste of his humor but another thing you need to know is he can say the craziest things and not crack a smile. It works well for him.

Now, he was executing a arrest warrant…shoot forgot to mention. Even better he is a cop. He went in to arrest the guy at a hotel and informed him that he was going to have to look around. So, my friend is J: then you have the GUY: and the guy’s GF:..ok let’s get started.

GUY: sure I understand

GF: why is he doing that? I mean what is he looking for anyways?

(looking up from checking a bag) J: dinosaurs

GUY & GF: huh?

J: yeah dinosaurs

GF: what’s he talking about?

J: I’m looking for dinosaurs, do you have any?

GUY: what do you mean?

J: dinosaurs really turn me on, especially T-Rexes’, those really get me going.

Leaving both the guy and his girlfriend confused as hell. As if this is not bad enough, J’s sergeant was there, who stop him once they got outside, with a confused look Sarg asks,” Dinosaurs?”

There have been a few other stories to happen, but these are the best of them so far. I have told him I was going to start recording all of our conversations and bloging the best stories. Trust me, I laugh my ass off!

Ok, hope you have had fun reading, and PLEASE let me know what you think so I know if I should continue this on!

~Echo~

@

@

@

@

@

@

@

@

@

@

@

@

@

@

@

@

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex? A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you. Q. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb. Q. When is a pixie not a pixie? A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.' Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself. Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist? A. No one to talk to during orgasm. Q. What do you call a smart blonde? A. A golden retriever. Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A. A mechanic! Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? A. She is the one who can eat the last donut! Q. Jewish dilemma: A. Free PORK. Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse? A. The one with the dirty knees. Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A. A battery has a positive side. Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A. Ask your mother. Q. How do you embarrass an archaeologist? A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A. Wiped his ass. Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest tits? A. The blonde, because she's 18. Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock. Q. The three words most hated by men during sex? A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?" Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex? A. "Honey, I'm home!" Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths? A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting. Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint? A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy. Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went. Q. How can you tell a macho women? A. She rolls her own tampons.