steve's blog: "I FEEL SOOO SAD :("

it was such a bad stretch--and i owe so much love here to so many. just as i reach the peak of getting my strength back--i get kicked down bad. i dealt with my self-abuse issues--that part of my life is so over--it was a way with dealing with pain from darkcycling as well as the joys of upcycling--but i'm so done with that--i suffered with this crap for 38 years--i should know how to ride it out and i'm learning that with the Help of G-d and of course me daughter Bek'ah-- ok--so i play the 2nd best show of my like 3/27--see the pix--like 200+ ppl there they screamed for me--i had 101 fever that nite but the show did go on--everything was good-until-- as i come in for a horribly busy week of work the following monday--i'm unlawfully suspended from work(with pay) for a period that came to 2 weeks--can't publically talk about it cause of litigation matters. the fact that this happened caused me to lose whatever ability i had to communicate--i still can't even open e-mails cause of this --my only communication is to my staff regarding technical matters and to bekah--i don't seem to be getting much better--but i did write this blog-so that's good. i used my "free time" to work on my 15th album to be called "Psych Ward" describing the events leading up to my 6 day 'stay' last january --some of the people i befriended there and still think about and subsequent events--my last 'punkifier' pedal died--so i'm using a dod fx-92 bass overdrive petal--so the sound is much less hard than prior works-- love ya's all lots--i'll return all your love soon "A Zit Named Saddam" Steve Lieberman (2/2008) from the album 'Psych Ward" had a zit named Saddam a piece of crap like its namesake who-exactly one year ago was impaled on the gallow stake had a zit named Benazir hurt me like all the girls do so i sent out my suicide bombers till that lil sucker was through yeah, ok i went crazy my zits leaders of the mid-east? gives me something constructive to do- til my f-ckin' darkcycling cease. had a zit named Manesseh who let the innocent blood flow so i sent out the opposition where did that lil f-cker go? had a zit names Raamses like his namesake, a scumbag take that you mighty pharoah dude- that sucker he started to sag" ta

i'm really not sure why i post shit on this blog any more--some one once commented 'why don't your friends comment on your blogs'--hell i got 5000+ friends here and how many views 12--i try do do so much better with my friends' blog but --i don't know if anyone gives a hoot--but sometimes it's emotionallly pleasant to just do some house cleaning on now silly but once important sites well like this one.--i pretty much purged all they let me keep in my private message box--just reminds me of the sadness of how quick people come and then are gone from one's life--and that's sad and gives me a heck of a complex. and the family list--damn---the ones named 'midnight' 'buttons' and 'bekah' are there cause their named after my puppies and daughter--if there was a 'heidi' she'd be there too the other few are very special ladies who know of all my 'problems' yet still talk to me and send me love--maybe cause they look beyond the fact that i'm not perfect--and knew me before i went public with my bi=polarism-and thought it would be better--maybe mutual not to flee--or something like that. it's just so many , either subtly or less subtly took their leave of me--and that's sad--i so must stop caring so much--but --that's me--sorry

this is so wrong--there was a person here--i became 'friends' and 'fans' with--they were there in bad times--albeit not in a big way--but any attention in times like that makes a difference--and some 'bond' is unavoidable. ok---so what? ok-the person had a number of picture folders--one called "my number 1" and "my treasures" the person had either a spouce or some kind of significant other--as well as a folder of their very naked body parts. seeing this i felt the person was disrespecting themselves and with the "bond" created between them and me i felt this was not appropriate. so-me never the one to hold back start commenting the nekkid pix--with the one that said me 'my 46 DD's--i say--ok--i'm a 46 too--but not dd"--there was one called something about 'my kitty'(it wasn't a feline)--i felt embarrased for them that about 12 guys posted the same comment ' a gormay meal'---DUDES---IT'S SPELT G-O-U-R-M-E-T" i just felt embarrassed all around--for the 'spouce' for the person'--all these guys were looking at what their mama gave them and were posting vulgar comments---all but me. i think i was blocked when one pic was captioned 'mmmm cummmm' it pictured remnants of a man's ejaculate 'decorating' the area from mouth to well 46dd's---not sure of the comment i made here to get me blocked--it was along the lines of 'you really don't have to do this' so they wrote me something on my shoutbox--before i answered it--i was blocked--i dunno for a fact--but i'm sure all those 'gormay meal' desirers can still partake and lust over 46dd's and kitties--not me--i can't even apologize for caring--

deleted cause of lack of interest :(

deleted for lack of interest :(

yeah--that's the headline on my myspace music page. i must be self-effacing in a big way to help deal with my feelings. the truth of the matter is-although i surround myself with musical instruments everywhere i am--at work--at home, at the computer--i am mentally unable to play. i haven't played a note on anything since about 12/21/2007 when i finished my 20+ song album in 2 weeks while in the state of hypermania. i may never write or play ever again and the thought of going on stage send me into a tail spin-which is all well and good. although 2007 was a monetarily profitable year musically-with royalty figures 170% greater then that of the previous year-and much time spent on the road-with the charity cd-"Last of the Jewish Pirates" raising $275.00 for animal charities-i see the whole music thing as a great downfall-i failed to realize that many just don't get what i do-i just stray so far from what is acceptable and don't really care if i ever return--albeit it was something that defined the last 2/3 of my life. love ya's much

it was totally horrible. i would ultra-cycle between deathly sad and mildly happy like 5-6 times/hour. i returned to work--1/2 day the last 3 days of last week and a full day today. most think i was on vacation or on the road or something-only my very closest colleagues know where i really was--i so don't want to be stigmatized or something. i can't lose anybody--that's so vital. i need to hurt myself so bad so from my pain maybe all i seem to have hurt will feel good again--but i refrain in fear of ending up in D4 again. my soul is now so fragile-and tormented-and so easily bruised--not sure if i will ever be better love ya's lots

i was hurting myself for a long time--during my recent dark cycle i needed to feel something better than that darkness--so i hurt myself pretty frequently. i went to the doctor -i couldn't hide neither my physical or mental wounds-so she sent me to the psych ward. while i was in the emergency room i went to the bathroom and beat myself bloody cause i was so sad. they upped my meds to a pretty intense level--it takes me a full hour now to--you know. i was not allowed a computer, cell phone, cd player, cigarettes,coffee etc--i needed to 'play the game' to get out on 'good behaviour'and i did just that.i got a big problem with eating in public so i went on a hunger strike the last 2 days. when they asked me why i wasn't eating i attributed it to religious fasting. they put me on suicide watch for some reason the last night there. someone came in and physically removed the belt from my pants. i promised to go to weekly therapy-i played the game-and that hurt-i had to give up my rebellious spirit. love ya's

i must go away hopefully to get better from the suffering i've been feeling like forever. love ya's all

IN LOVING MEMORY OF BUTTONS ON HER 18TH BIRTHDAY Buttons Bat-SHE'VA Berech'iah Caftor'im 29 December 1989-22 September 2004 'i miss her so much/can't think-need a crutch-'cause she's on the Rainbow Bridge/ she plays with the pups-til i come pick her up -cause she's on the Rainbow Bridge