NikkieNothing PlusSize zombie PinUp Girl's blog: "Funny Shit"

19 Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate - Stick your palm up under the stall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?" - Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that." - Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. - Say "Hmm, I've never seen that color before." - Drop a marble and say "Oh shit! My glass eye!" - Say "Damn, this water is cold. - Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a place 6 to 8 feet high. Sigh relaxingly. - Say "Now how did that get in there?" - Say "Humus. Reminds me of humus." - Fill up a large water bottle with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling "Whoa! Easy boy!" - Say "Interesting...more sinkers than floaters." - Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?" - Say "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!" - Say "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot." - Say "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I going to do?" - Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. - Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicusly lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. - Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say "Peek-a-boo!" - Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

50 Fun Things to do at Wal-Mart - Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and standing them at strategic locations. - Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. - Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. - Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. - Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. - Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. - When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially on thin, narrow aisles. - Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens. - Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10. - Play with the automatic doors. - Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!" See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. - While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?!" - Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive". - Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department. - Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field. - As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerised and say, "Wow! Magic!" - Put M&M's on layaway. - Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time. - Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. - Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. - Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles. - Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. - Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman! Come, Robin - to the Batcave!" Run to the nearest open tent. - TP as much of the store as possible. - Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. - Play with the calculators so that they all spell words upside down. - When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" - When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling "Red Rover!" - Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I.Joes vs. the X-Men or Barbie. Try a whole Matchbox Cars city! - Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. - While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible. - Hold indoor shopping cart races. - Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible." - Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. - Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags. - Set up a Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. - Two words: "Marco Polo" - "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics. - In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels. -When someone steps away from their car to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word. - Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. - When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!" - Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

20 Fun Things to do in an Elevator - Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" - Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. - Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?" - Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down. - Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. - When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. - Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. - Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" - Meow occasionally. -Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. - Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. - Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. - Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. - Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. - When the elevator is silent, look at someone and ask: "Is that your beeper?" - Say "Ding!" at each floor. - Say "I wonder what all these do..." and push the red buttons. - Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. - Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space". - Announce in a demonic voice "I must find a more suitable host body." Then, sort of shiver, and ask where you are

1. FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 2. FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 3. NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 4. GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 5. LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.) 6. THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 7. THANKS: A woman is thanking you, do not question it, or faint. Just say you're welcome. 8. WHATEVER: Is a women's way of saying F*@& YOU! 9. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

44 Fun Things to Do in a Supermarket Open up a loaf of bread and make yourself a sandwich. Take it to the checkout lane and see how much they charge you for it. Tell them you added extra mayo. Go to the customer service desk and ask where the whisk brooms, Vaseline, and duct tape are located. Spike the fruit salad. Squeeze the Doritos. Tell the manager you lost your son, somewhere near the dairy aisle. Try to purchase one grape. Repeat until the laughter subsides and they feel obligated to start charging you. Order a dozen live lobsters and set them free throughout the store. (After removing the rubber bands from their claws, of course.) Fill a shopping cart with watermelons. Get more carts and fill them with other heavy products. See if you can barricade another customer inside one of the aisles. (Try to capture an old lady, they're slower than the rest of us.) Order ten pounds of corned beef at the deli counter, sliced extra thin. Walk away during the slicing of the final pound, whistling. Wear a white lab coat, mask, and goggles. Carefully bag some vegetables, holding them at arm's distance, shaking your head in disgust, and occasionally taking notes on a clipboard. Works best while mothers and children are nearby. Open up some cheese and crackers and offer samples. Conduct your own Pepsi Challenge. Bring in your own "paid" stickers and put one on each of the items in your cart. If a cashier tells you that the store doesn't use those stickers, ask her what she's getting at and would she like you to call the police. Fill a plastic bag with five types of apples, another bag with six types of citrus fruit, another with seven types of leaf vegetables, and so on until you have mixed bags full of every type of fruit and vegetable in the store. Tie each bag in a double knot. Then take them to the register, and let the cashier tell you the grand total before you realize you forgot your wallet. Empty the bottles of V8 and fill them with green Hawaiian punch. Threaten to call your uncle at the local newspaper about it. Bring a full shopping cart to the express aisle and refuse to budge. Bring a single product to the busiest full-service aisle and refuse to budge. Pay in pennies. Pay in postage stamps. (Explain that you accidentally grabbed them instead of your food stamps because you were in a hurry to get out of the house before your alcoholic husband got home.) Leave your cart in the middle of checking out to get something you forgot. Once you start hearing angry shouts from the customers who were standing behind you, wait another few minutes before returning. Laugh and tell them you forgot what you were looking for. Bring in a moldy loaf of bread and ask for your money back. (Works best if you put it in a new bag with a valid "sell by" date.) Apply for a job barefoot. Walk in with a hand truck and several empty boxes. Fill the boxes with jars of tomato sauce, take them to the back of the store, and tell someone you're making a delivery. Get them to sign something. Reorganize the cereal aisle. Put your own surprises in the cereal boxes. Put small pornographic pictures inside the greeting card envelopes. (Everybody likes confetti.) See if you can move every item in the dairy aisle, a few items at a time, to various locations throughout the store. Post your own "Buy one, get one free!" signs. See how many hiding places you can find for a dozen fresh fish heads. Ask a cashier where the store safe is located. Rub olive oil all over your groceries. As soon as the cashier expresses a look of disgust, start complaining about how filthy the store is. Take photos of men putting feminine hygiene products into their carts. Tell them they'll be able to download their photos at spinelesshenpeckedfairies.org. Hide your arms under your coat and ask a manager if the store is "armless accessible". Request a personal shopping assistant. Bring in a bag full of exotic fruits not sold at the store, and try to buy them. Hide a walkie-talkie behind packages of adult undergarments. From the other end of the aisle, see if this is a product that can sell itself. Leave small, expensive, easy-to-scan products in other people's carts. Empty a bottle of aspirin all over the floor and lie down next to it. Throw things over the aisles. Toilet paper works just as well as it does outside, but don't shy away from hard or sticky objects either. Ask the cashier if the store could supply you with another bagger who isn't mentally retarded. Tell the cashier that it's great the store is providing jobs to "you people". Dump out a container of liquid laundry detergent and report the spill to customer service. Repeat immediately in another aisle. Ask the woman behind the deli counter to shake her ass while she's cutting your salami. And finally: Put pickles in the coffee grinder.