Dads rules! lol grrrr!
Rule One: If you pull into my drive and beep you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you can’t keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I know that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear jeans so loose that they appear to be falling off. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this, so I propose a compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your jeans ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your jeans do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your jeans securely to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you Know that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is normal that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other topical issues. Please do not. The only information I want from you is the time you will have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “early".
Rule Six: I am sure you are a popular guy, with many chances to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have dated my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you wait in my hall for my daughter, and an hour goes by, do not sigh or fidget. If you want to be on time for the film, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that takes longer than painting the Forth Bridge. Instead of just standing there, do something useful, like changing the oil in my car!
Rule Eight: Some places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where it is dark. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Football games are okay. Old folk’s homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may seem to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a sand dune near Bahgdad. The voices in my head often tell me to clean my gun as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
