They are everywhere today, and if you have ever felt the bile in your stomach rise while in the presence of them, you are not alone. Western "Civilization" is sliding back down the evolutionary ladder as scores of mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging, peckerwoods fill the public with cat-piss cologne, backward baseball caps, flip flops, puka shell necklaces, matching jock haircuts, pedophile facial hair and sunglasses only a seven-year-old could wear with a straight face.
Bros ruin everything they touch. They are deeply racist, yet vulture-ize black culture with attempts to be "down", while living as far from any ghetto as humanly possible. It's because they seek danger, or the illusion of it. Through their economic power, Bros are able to affect every aspect of the media and popular culture -- in a larger sense, our entire waking environment. A member of the Bro subgroup always loves music made by artists that can tap into their own inner tough guy or rebel, and their kind funnels money into the pockets of artists like The Kottonmouth Kings and 50 Cent. They have also destroyed television by appearing on shows like "Elimidate", and championing the new wave of so-called "Reality-Based Programming". And using any Metallica, Limp Bizkit, or Insane Clown Posse song a Bro can show that inner tough guy to his bedroom mirror, while he poses, flexes his muscles and takes pictures for potential Internet hookup scenarios.
Somehow, Bros have even made being drunk uncool, since they always need to pose with a can or a bottle of liquor in their hands, or be seen chugging the shit out of some watered down Miller Genuine Draft, or any kind of beer from which it takes several twelve-packs to cop a slight buzz.
Bros are also deeply religious and patriotic too, though can never coherently express why. In fact, studies have shown that almost one-hundred percent of the Bros on Myspace are hard core Pro-Life Christians. So, it goes without saying that Bros support the current President of the United States and his goal of turning the entire planet into a parking lot. And they can easily identify with his battle with alcoholism as a young man and low IQ from inbreeding.
But Bros aren't solely an American phenomenon. Oh, no. In England they're known as Chavs, Chavettes and Essex Girls (the feminine counterparts), in Scotland these types are called Neds (Non Educated Delinquents), Iceland has Chocos, and they have also been referred to as Billys, Thicknecks, Chads, Chachis, Joeys, Tonys and Frosties elsewhere. But, in the end it's all the same -- grown men and women locked in a brotherhood of willful ignorance and bad style. We could refer to them as "The Bro-therhood", but they're simply Bros and Bro Hos to me.
A Bro Ho? What is a Bro Ho, you might be asking. Emma, a member from Long Beach, California, tells us a Bro Ho is also known as a Blouser: "Those girls with blonde hair with dark streaks in it, belly button ring flaunting too much makeup from Nordstroms, a wife beater with fake crappy nails, a trucker hat...and they're passed out after two drinks." The Bro Ho is the favorite target of the Bro, and when he finds this target he is able to reproduce rapidly, in much the same way as a layer of scum on the underside of a rowboat.
His "whip" or his "ride" is always a Bro's number-one priority. The Bromobile is central to one's sense of Bro-ness, and that mode of transport is almost always a truck. A monstrously inefficient, raised and modified American pickup that is in inverse proportion to its owner's penis. And speaking of penises, Bros have also brought the concept of homophobia to a new level. You see, they love play fighting, tackling their mates, and joke incessantly about each other's wieners. But they will claim that there is no connection whatsoever between their use of the term "faggot", their intense desires for close physical kinship with their pals, and their own closeted Bromosexuality.
A substantial portion of the Bro population enjoys daydreaming too, and often these daydreams influence the way they speak and act. Bros everywhere can identify with Marshall Mathers, someone who committed identity theft and made millions as the fantasy rapper "Eminem". Members of the Bro tribe like to think that they will also be looked upon with as much respect if they not only act hostile and indifferent toward everyone around them. And if they live life in the fast lane, the way Eminem appears to, they'll achieve immortality -- or at least get more action. Some members of the Brosubspecies find Eminem a bit soft though, and prefer the more street-oriented sounds of The Kottonmouth Kings, who grew up -- like their fans -- in the lily white suburbs on a strict diet of the kind of sickening violence rampant in nearly every white, middle class household. When a Bro pops a KMK cd in his truck stereo he instantly feels as though his entire ghetto is riding shotgun and watching his back.
