Dear Mrs. Shelley Emerson,
Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us again unless your husband stops his antics while you are shopping.
Below is a list of offenses over the past few months, all verified by our surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies' restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares".....and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the service desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'd bring pillows from the bedding
department.
8. September 23: When our clerks ask whether they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera, used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knew where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department practiced his "Madonna look" using different sized funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, he
assumes the fetal position and screams, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last but not least:
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, and waited a
while; then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
