CantSleepClownsWillEatMe's blog: "ATTITUDE"

I feel so fucking blah! Like I just want to throw my hands in the air and give up on everything. Wait not even throw my hands up, that would take up to much energy :(

Little simple words like this mean everything in the world to me... cantsleepclownswilleatme (11:48:09 AM) : i love ya cantsleepclownswilleatme (11:48:18 AM) : sweeeeeet dreams, dream of me :) shav (11:48:18 AM) : i love u to so much cantsleepclownswilleatme (11:48:24 AM) : muahz shav (11:48:29 AM) : muahz

I didnt realize what day it was today, but yesterday was 5 years clean from dope :) YAY ME!

Think about this for a min...... If I happened to show up on your door step crying, would you care? If I called you and asked you to pick me up because something happened, would you come? If I had one day left, to live my life; would you be part of that last day?

So I had my doctors appointment this morning for the re-evaluation on my knee to see if I will continue to receive medical from the state. He is referring me to a dietician, blah good luck with that. I am negative on that because how can one expect to eat healthy and lose weight if there is no money to put there to eat properly. But on the other side of it, I told him I was isolating myself, and really starting to freak over it, just leaving the house this morning was almost like an anxiety attack. He tells me, since this is a state eval on your knee, there is nothing I can do about this. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then proceeds to tell me well if you want you can make another appointment and we can talk...So if my medical is gone in August and I am freaking out, you will know why. I did get a prescription of celexa refilled today, when I had it a few months ago, I took it for a few days and then stopped. This time I will try to take it and see if it helps at all. Damn pharmacist was like you arent suppose to just stop that medicine. Well if one doesnt have medical, then wtf are they suppose to do????

I can't shake this... I feel so fookin blah! I know I am isolating myself to a great degree and I don't even know what I am isolating over. I have stopped calling my friends I talk to daily, haven't been hanging out a lot on the fu. I sit here and just ponder, ponder over nothing at all. I feel so damn down. One thing that got me is I always get my cell paid early, I didn't even care about it, yesterday got a text message saying it had to be paid by today. It got done, but don't really care. My heart is in Germany, I feel so lost and empty without Rudi by my side. We had a talk Sunday, but still doesn't place a plan into action. I am a puppet on a string, a sad lonely puppet. So many times I have had people ask me, why am I allowing this to be done to myself, my only answer is, when we are together, words can not even begin to describe it. All I know is my face glows, my heart pounds and my hands shake. (hmmm could it be love?) I just wish it didn't have to feel this way! I swear, I know in my heart I have found my soul-mate, my twin flame, but why does it fucking have to hurt so bad?? I have never fought so hard to keep a relationship alive, before I would simply give up. Sunday I asked him, why when he fought so hard to get me he would let me slip away. His response to me was I don't want you to slip away. This relationship will be 2 years along in October. Isn't it time for the next step, something that will make the pain end and me be complete? I have told him time and time again if he doesn't want to be with me, to tell me, that pain would be more bearable then the pain I struggle with daily. Enough babbling, going back to hide myself some more.

Wow, I just had a call that entailed a phone interview for a women's transitional shelter. I have the one on one interview on Thursday if I can make it into town. For those that know I have been staying with my mom since I came back from Germany at the the end of November. Sure being here is cool and all, but it is like being in jail with the ability to go outside. There is no public transportation and she works at 4am and is in bed by 6pm. I do NOT want to do this shelter thing, it scares the holy living piss out of me. Right now I have been on a state grant for my knee, was going through physical therapy so theres not much there either. The only way I could stay at my moms is if I were to be able to get a car and seek work. I am scared to death over all this. If I get accepted into this shelter the rules are not real difficult, it would just regulate what kind of job I can have since you have to be there nightly for dinner. I am so confused and so lost. I wish Rudi would hurry up and decide what he wants out of us, this is killing me to have to resort down to this shit. ===== Update I won't be going to the one on one interview tomorrow for lack of transportation. I never knew what having no transportation was about. This is killing me, I can't do a damn thing.

Restless tonight Cause I wasted the light Between both these times I drew a really thin line It’s nothing I planned And not that I can But you should be mine Across that line [Chorus:] If I traded it all If I gave it all away for one thing Just for one thing If I sorted it out If I knew all about this one thing Wouldn’t that be something I promise I might Not walk on by Maybe next time But not this time Even though I know I don’t want to know Yeah I guess I know I just hate how it sounds [Chorus x2] Even though I know I don’t want to know Yeah I guess I know I just hate how it sounds Even though I know I don’t want to know Yeah I guess I know I just hate how it sounds [Chorus x3]

My biggest downfall or what I see to be one of my biggest is I am too caring for people and tend to get hurt easily. This applies to everyday people in my life, not just the s/o. Seems my walls were yanked down a few years ago and I can not seem to get them back up. Ugh

Song lyrics | Damn Those Eyes lyrics