Ok, I'm not often a blogger but this is something I need to get off my chest and this may be the best place to do so.
Why do I let myself get hurt day after day? Why do I love him so much even when he's obviously tossed me aside for a new lifestyle? I can't even just sit here at the computer, my sanctuary, and not think about "them" or what could have been with "us." Hell, I'm even still really looking forward to seeing him again in March, and yet somewhere inside I know it's pointless. I need to accept is as the fun fling that it was and realize it's over. Who am I kidding, it may have started that way but it damn sure didn't stay there. Something changed in October, and I'm not sure I'll ever know exactly what caused it. We went from casual sex friends to laying the groundwork for moving in together, but who started that? Was I just that desperate to find a way out of Texas that I was the one rushing things? Rush hell, it's not like we're strangers. We've actually physically known each other for a little over a year now, but we were talking online before that.
Ok, so take another approach to this. Our relationship started offline, in real life, body to body; we merely tried to continue it online. That's where things started going bad and it's because we relied too much on the written word and we all know how easy it is to misinterpret that. So, can I accept him having a relationship online with someone else? Well, if I could be assured that it was strictly an online thing, maybe. But then there’s the issue of what will come of it if things with us do work out? I mean, I can’t expect him to just be able to drop something off like that, and even if he did could I trust him when I wasn’t around or would he just be back to his online relationships. Now, I know he’s got his home-life problems, and he sees the internet as an escape from that, brining me into his “internet life” just threw a cog in his wheels. So, point here is, can I go back to just being the casual sex friends with this guy? That would definitely be nice, but a couple of problems there. One, I’ve previously established that I love him, so how can we go from lovers to fuckbuddies? Two, these every 6-month gatherings are about to come to an end unless that close group of us figures out a way to continue to get together without the Bossman (could happen). But, that’s like taking the monkey outta the cage. If we start getting together on our own will I be able to see the way he acts online and handle it? WFT am I talking about I don’t even handle it now. Is that because I’m unsure of where I stand with him? Ok that’s an optional answer. But, that still brings me back to can I accept where I stand (if I knew it would be great) and still be able to interact with him online without the confrontations that have become routine.
Ahhhhhhhh! I need answers and I’m definitely not getting them here. If we could just have an actual conversation! I’m tired of being strung along for the ride. I have no control over things right now and I am not the submissive kind of person who will just sit back and wait her turn, not pushing buttons, no pissing people off. I’m tired of it; if how I am pisses you off then go away. I’m not content to be a passenger here. I like to drive, either give me the keys or get the Fuck outta the car.
