Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said,"These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.""That's nothing," said the other."Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

A group of Harley bikers were riding south on I-275 in Florida when they saw what appeared to be a girl about to jump off the Sunshine Skyway. They stopped. The leader, Randy, a big brutish guy of 53ish or so, smoothly dismounted from his bike, strode through the gawkers, past the Florida State Trooper, and asked,"What are you doing?""I don't want to live anymore," she replied. Not wanting to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity, Randy slyly suggested ..."Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" With no hesitation at all, she leaned toward him and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one. During the intimate moment Randy had carefully and gently managed to grip both of her wrists with his incredibly strong hands. The crowd started applauding and cheering. Then Randy says,"That's the nicest kiss I've ever had, you sweet thing"! It's a whole beautiful life you might be throwing away. Why do you want to die?""My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." The onlookers are unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!

Guy walks into a bar and tells the female bartender,"give me a gin and tonic". The bartender then puts an apple on the bar and the guy takes a bite."mmm ... this tastes like gin", the bartender says"turn it". The guy turns it and takes a bite."mmm ... this tastes like tonic" > then sets the apple down and asks for a screwdriver. The bartender puts down another apple on the bar and the guy takes a bite."mmm ... this tastes like Vodka", the bartender says"turn it". The guy turns it and takes a bite"yep ... tastes like orange juice" > then sets the apple down and asks"what else have you got"? The bartender asks"what do you want"? The guy says"got any pussy"? The bartender puts another apple on the bar and the guy picks it up and takes a bite. The guy starts to spit it out and says"This tastes like shit"! The bartender says ..."turn it around".

-=*> A wealthy 88 year old man was seeing his doctor for his annual physical."How are you feeling?" the doctor asked."I'm doing just fine." said the elderly man."In fact, I just married a 23 year old beauty a few months ago. And you want to know something, now she's pregnant.""Is she?" asked the physician."You know, I have a friend about your age who owns a couple hundred acres up north. He likes to go out walking, and often takes his rifle to hunt. One day he went out and accidentally picked up his walking stick instead of his rifle. On his walk he came across a beaver building a dam that was going to flood one of his favorite spots. So he raised up his walking stick, and realized his mistake. Angered he pointed the stick at the beaver and shouted 'BANG' 'BANG'. You know what, that beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?""Why", said the old gentleman,"that's impossible. Someone else must have pumped a couple rounds into that beaver!""That", said the doctor,"is precisely the point I want to make."

Guy goes to a nurse and says"I have a problem with my 'area' but I'm afraid you'll laugh."I won't laugh" said the nurse,"I am a professional. In over 20 years as a nurse,"I have never laughed at a patient.""Ok than" the guy said and proceeded to pull his pants down to reveal the smallest penis the nurse had ever seen. The length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stifle a giggle but it just came out. Feeling very badly for laughing at the man's part, she composed herself as best she could."I am so sorry." She said" I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me,"What seems to be the problem?" The man looked at her and said,"It's swollen." The nurse ran out of the room.

- This Moment I may never see tomorrow,there is no written guarantee.And things that happened yesterday,belong to History.I cannot predict the future,I cannot change the past.I have just the present moment,I must treat it as my last.I must use this moment wisely,for it will soon pass away.And be lost to me forever,as part of yesterday. I must exercise compassion,help the fallen to their feet.Be a friend unto the friendless,make an empty life complete The unkind things I do today,may never be undone.And friendship that I fail to win,may never more be won. I may not have another chanceon bended knees to pray.And thank God with humble heart,for giving me this day.Have A great Day

- A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears," You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side."You know what?""What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth." I think you're bad luck."

-<>- Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory."Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied,"Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said,"I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision.""OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased."This is great!" he told God,"If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision."Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God."Fine," retorted God,"as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons."How's everything going, Bill?" God asked. Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment,"This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" God says,"That was the screen saver".

A good one ! A plane was about to crash so the pilot takes a parachute and safely jumps safely from the plane leaving only three (3) parachutes and four (4) passengers. A man states,"I am a world renown heart surgeon and my patients need me" - so he takes a parachute and jumps. The next guy says,"I am the worlds smartest man" - the world needs me and takes the second parachute and jumps. The last two people left was a 15 year old boy and Pope John himself. The pope told the young man,"I am old and have lived a great life already, You take the last parachute and save yourself". The young man said it is okay sir, there are still two (2) parachutes left,"The worlds smartest man just jumped out with my backpack!"

-Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives. The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything. They looked at the third man and he said,"I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees." Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that. The man replied,"Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said,"Come out and fight like a man!". -

- - One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied,"Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast."You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home."What took you so long to answer?""I was in bed.""What were you doing in bed this late?""Getting a second opinion."