Donnie's blog: "Zombie Monkey files"

Let's say you're walking along minding your own damn business one night when suddenly out of nowhere, a Zombie pops out and has the audacity to try and assault you. What is it you are supposed to do in this situation? You could run, but how do you know for how long, where to, and how fast? You could fight, but how do you know what to fight with, where to strike and how hard? You could plead, but how would you know if this Zombie has the capacity to understand what you are saying? You could play dead, but then you’d just get killed.

Unfortunately there is no single answer to this question, as there are many different kinds of Zombies with just as many different methods of dealing with them. There are several varieties of the typical garden variety zombie, depending on what caused the people to become zombies, they may show different varieties of physical and mental strength, and naturally, the tactics used to fight each variant differ accordingly.

Luckily for you I found this list of the different kinds of Zombies you are likely to come across in your day to day life. With this handy list, you will be able to immediately spot the kind of Zombies you are against, and how to act consequently.

For todays lesson we will start off with....

Slow-Dumb Zombie


Possibly the most common and well known variety of zombie, as well as the easiest to defeat. They are unable to move quickly, and are not smart enough to do anything other than walk(well, shamble) towards the nearest human they can detect. What causes these zombies to form is disputed, but leading authorities in zombification literature believes that it is caused by zombie monkeys, and what causes them is unknown. Most of the time, you could survive an attack by them simply by walking away somewhat quickly. The only time you may really need to destroy these zombies is if you are really bored. Unfortunately, somehow the rest of the world is so stupid that by the end of the movie there will be an overwhelming number of these things trying to get into your safe house, and your only hope is an impromptu rescue by the surviving members of the Jesus Society of Free Love.

These Zombies are ridiculously easy to defeat. How they manage to take over the world in the "Dead" series we will never know. Even though they can only be killed with damage to their brain, all you have to do is walk up to it and shoot it in the face at point blank range, and unless it somehow takes you more then a minute to do that, the zombie can not possibly have time to get you. If you don't have a gun, some kind of blade, pointy object, or even a blunt cudgel of some kind will just as easily suffice. Hell, you could punch one of these zombies to death if you really wanted too. And if it does take you more than a minute to merely lift your arm and pull the trigger, odds are you are probably a Slow-Dumb zombie too. A bite from one of these zombies will take hours if not all day to change you into a zombie, giving you plenty of time to see a doctor and/or seek your revenge on the Zombie that bit you.

The best weapon for combating this breed of pesky and totally retarded undead is anything which has comedy value, i.e. Pump-action-frying-pan, the pope's flower pot (the plant being fed on holy water will cause some sort of fun effect), hiring a samurai to beat the zombies to death with a fish, lawnmower with spray tube... and so on. The US army has been training for the zombie apocalypse by using the ultra realistic zombie apocalypse simulator Dead Rising, a civilian simulator titled Left 4 Dead is also available.

For more fun regarding Slow-Dumb zombies, view the documentary Shaun of the Dead.


Hey if you cannot get away from one of these zombies you should have already been dead and if you do not know how to kill one of them you should just lie down in the middle of the street and either let a zombie kill you or just get hit by a car it will hurt a lot less and you will not turn unless you have been dead before the zombie attacks.............................