deeva64's blog: "You know you wanna look!"

Officer, this is how the fight started... I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault. So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed... and life... Sometimes, life seems like...um, suddenly funny? Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car. He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me he looks up in my face and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him and I said, 'Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?' .........and that's when the fight started.

A man walks into the lingerie department of Macy's in New York City . He tells the sales lady, 'I would like a Southern Baptist bra for my wife, size 34B.' With a quizzical look the sales lady asks, 'What kind of bra?' He repeats, 'A Southern Baptist bra. My wife said to tell you that she wanted a Southern Baptist bra, and that you would know what she wanted.' 'Oh, yes, now I understand,' says the sales lady. 'We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.' Confused, and a little flustered, the man asks, 'So, what are the differences?' The sales lady responds. 'It's really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.' He muses on that information for a minute and says, 'Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Southern Baptist bra do?' 'Ah,' she replied, 'the Southern Baptist bra makes mountains out of molehills'

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' said Bob 'Did you, ever, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um..., yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.', 'Why do you ask?' 'She just died and left me everything.' (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!

My grandmother died in 1975, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store on Brunswick Street, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk... Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 10. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. "And remember always this thing," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands." "How come, Grandma?" I asked her. She answered in her soft voice.. "Makes your dick look bigger." Kinda brings a tear to your eye.

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club. One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club." The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join he explains. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle? The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there" and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table." The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the evening, while I'm shooting pool." The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many Books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary Tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to Make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, A voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, Poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet Another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to The opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once More and tried again to cut hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." She stopped, looked skyward, and said, " IS THAT YOU LORD? " The voice replied, " NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast?....or maybe some grapefruit and coffee?' He declines 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.' At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something.'A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?' He declines 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.' Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?' He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra . . . I'm stillnot hungry.' Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'

When Fred first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Fred became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing and even walking, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Fre d's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery. 'How long will Fred be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously. 'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?' responded the surprised doctor. 'Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, Here - try these on." She did and said, "These are too big. I can't wear them. "I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will." Ever since that night, we have never had any problems. "Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me." Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here- you try on mine." He did and said, "I can't get into your pants." Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."