I know it has been a few years since me and Jon broke up. Well I have been thinking a lot about what I went through. Especially the last 6 or so months of the marriage. I knew a lot of the time when he would go out and cheat on me. Part of me did so well to block it out that I would second guess myself and completely throw the thought out of my mind. That happened for a while. I played the "happy housewife" for a long time. The one thing that gave away that he was cheating was that he would come home and immediately make love to me. That happened every time. I kept all negative emotions out of it and I just let him do what he wanted because there was that thought in the back of my mind that said "Maybe one of the times that he comes home and makes love to you he will snap out of his little funk and stay with you and not hurt you anymore". I am the type of person that will stick with something that I believe in and keep believing even when evidence is stacked against the whole situation. I do think with my heart a lot of the time and that is when I get into the most trouble. I really hope that the first decision towards love that I make with my head turns out a lot better than the ones that are made with my heart. I like having the feeling of loving and being loved but sometimes there is also pain because there is always an underlying tone with every relationship that is a good one that sooner or later it will get bad and it will do so quickly and without warning. I think I have messed up some pretty good relationships by being and thinking like that. The reason for my writing is that I hope that I never fall into the same thing that I did before and turn a blind eye to what is being done to me. Anymore heartache and I will turn cold. I already feel myself doing so. I see myself sometimes from a distance and I see someone who is dying inside and fakes a smile to everyone to avoid questioning, I want the day to come to where I don't have to fake being happy.....to where I actually am happy. It seems my only escape from the world is music. It is the only time that I am truly happened. It has been there through every bad relationship, every bit of pain, every bit of stress. I am going to stop for now.
