Why erratic?
This is an excerpt from an email that I wrote to a friend. I liked aspects of it, so I included it here.
...However, I did go out last night like you suggested and had a great meal. I did feel better.
I have lost some weight in the last few weeks. I plan on doing free fall training next week.
Also, I have a trip to Savanna, GA to visit a friend in August planned. In addition, I am
looking at getting back into surfing. I just miss my bud that I used to surf with all the time.
He is in Iraq.
I know that some of my behavior has been or seemed erratic, and I have no apology for it.
I agree that it has. I think that I liked Rosie more than I even admitted to myself and
I miss the way she made me feel. I can't express how loveless my marriage was for years.
Moreover, I am so used to compartmentalizing my life that it is hard to integrate some
of my emotions when those walls begin to erode. Now, I am not saying that I am nuts, but
that since I haven't had a need to be so regimented in my emotional state since being back
from overseas, I have had to face the ever increasing incursion of emotions into my
over-all well-being. There are some things in there that I don't want to think about.
So, maybe I do over-compensate in certain areas since I do have a fear of loss and a problem with
trust. As I told my sister, there are only two people that I really trust implicitly her , you, and one other.
You are possibly the only one that I tell a lot about myself, and I don't go into great detail
about a lot of things, since I don't want you to run in the opposite direction screaming.
I have found that writing my blog or journaling has helped to a greater degree than I was willing
to initially to believe.
I always thought that being an adult would be easier, since one would have developed a large base
of experiential knowledge from which to draw in order to assuage any bouts of doubt. Yet, that hasn't
been the case. Were it not such a serious issue, it would be laughable. I am a 39 year old teenager struggling
against bouts of anxiety regarding how or why a girl likes or dislikes me.
What sucks is that the list of my accomplishments are similar to that poem about Ozmandias. I am sure that I spelled that incorrectly, but I list it her for you, it is a Shelly poem:
Ozmandias
I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
Half sunk, a shatter'd visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamp'd on these lifeless things,
The hand that mock'd them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains: round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away.
I just sometimes feel that way about the path of my life. I meet these benchmarks, I accrue these experiences, yet I have no one with which to share them.
I would hate to wake up one day, old and alone, with nothing more than a wall of plaques and photos. I know what we talked about last night, but for me
these are real fears, because I have very few others upon which to divert attention. lol...So, I have only that to focus on as a fear in my closet or under my bed.
Anyway, this email rambled, I think. I hope that you are having a fantastic day!
Don't let the croc hunter wear you down. If he starts to, threaten him with a stingray.
Love you,
Greg
