Ipo's blog: "What's On My Mind"

UrFo0l sometimes i cry out sometimes i scream "can you hear me?" i wait for an answer, i dont hear a thing it's hard to see me cry i only cry when it rains it's hard to see me bleed it washes away my heart is broken, too many pieces this time i cant believe i fell for your lies i wanted to hurt you the way you did me but i just walked away it doesnt get easier with time it gets harder day by day little reminders that you were real i wish it all would just go away why did you do it why hurt me like that couldn't you have just spared me the pain it's hard for me to trust you knew that well you made me trust you i gave in no i'm not saying this was all on you yes i know it's my fault too i was the fool that loved you i was the fool that cared i was the one that stood by you i was the one that was there i gave u so much of what was my life i gave you all i could and when the last bit was drained out of me you decided i wasnt any good maybe i was stupid to think it was different maybe i was foolish to have faith but i would not trade anything for one moment one moment in your arms one simple kiss one touch of your hand and hearing u say "i love you" i will hurt now, and for a long time and maybe i will hate you as well but when all is done i will still be the fool who will still love you. maybe you'll regret it maybe you wont do you still love me? i dont want to know it's easier to think you didnt then to believe you did that way it hurts a little less i'll never forgive u or forget i'm sorry to say that but you broke my heart in ways i never knew it could i'm still holding on to some form of hope that maybe you will wake me up tell me it was a dream and that you really didnt and will never leave me it's really hard to feel anything now my whole body went numb i try oh i do but to feel would mean i'd have to get over you I'm not ready to move on, to let you go i'm not ready to forget all the times we had all the love we shared sometimes i cry out, sometimes i scream "can you hear me?" i think you've already forgottten me.... © Tracie S.

i still miss him, after all this time. i still love him. he broke my heart in ways i didn't realize it could be broken. still, though, i can't help but want him back. what we once had was a connection beyond anything else. he was there for me when i was going through such a hard time in my life. my only fear was losing him. we still talk here and there, and when we do, he doesn't know this, but it's so hard for me to breathe. he doesn't see the tears i still cry...or how every word he speaks means something to me. i would give the world for one day with him. i still run through my head the day he said he loved me...i was so happy i cried. i think i stayed in shock for a while after that. you may find it strange and funny when i say i feel this way for a man that i've never met. not in person. we've had phone conversations, and online chats. but from the moment we met i knew he was special. you can laugh, you can say it isn't real, i don't care what others think of it, i never did. all i know is that for a while there we had something most people spend their lives looking for. we broke up before i had a chance to go see him...which is something we had planned to do. he's still a friend, and little does he know how much he still means to me. I have gone out with others since, here in my hometown, but never could find that connection, never could find that friend, that something great. one day to just hold him, to tell him face to face that i love him, one day to be with him and my whole world would be complete. that used to be my only wish...i told him if that was all that God would grant me, is one day of life left, i'd ask to spend it with him....that would make it all worth while. it's hard being in a long distance relationship, especially with someone you have never touched or seen...but sometimes it's worth the risk. he's still a big part of me, and right now i don't see myself loving anyone else for a while. it will take so much time to get over someone like him, even tho i'm sure he's over me. wish i could turn back the hands of time and just re-live those days one more time. I miss him, so much it hurts...and i will for a while now. i'll always be thankful i had a chance to get to know a great person such as he is.

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remember when you were young and the world seemed like such a huge place? you believed in the impossible, in magic, and in love. adventure was around every corner and you could find a world of imagination righ in your own back yard. it's sad when we grow up and suddenly the world is smaller, and our beliefs chop down to almost nothing. remember that first kiss, the butterflies right before, and the wings that made you fly when he/she kissed you? i think we should all still have that feeling. the feeling of giggling at the touch of their hand, the redness on our face from blushing so much, the magic we once felt. as adults it's just not there. the romance is gone. you have to wonder if stories like those in movies really do exist...if true love is still around. my granny and pop would have been married 66 years this past jan., if it wasn't for his passing in sept. 66 years! can you imagine that?? to be with someone that long and stil have the same look of love for each other. where has it all gone? where are the romantic dinners, the notes to just say i love you, the corner street shop flowers, the chocolate bar, the walk down the street?? maybe i'm old fashioned, maybe i just believe too much in romance, but is that so wrong. i know there are others out there like me. to feel that magic once again that was felt so many years ago...that's what i dream of.

so i'm laying in bed earlier getting ready to take a nap and, like always, my mind starts to wander. it's strange what i come up with right before i'm off to sleep. i was thinking about relationships and the ultimate friend code that many don't talk about but all know it's there. it's the code that states: a friend shall never go out with another friend's ex. This code is true for both guys and gals. the reason being is that friend A still holds interest in the ex and friend B would be jepordizing the interest he/she has in friend A. this is where my crazy logic comes in to play. see in my crazy mind i think that everyone buys an interest, a stock, in the person they are dating. it's sounds strange i know. but think about it, everyone you've ever dated has in some form bought stock in you, and you in them. when you find that one person you want to spend your life with, then he/she decides to buy out all the stock holders to gain total controling interest. doesn't they own you or control you, it's more like a mutal deal, you buy them out and they you. therefore you hold all of each other. yeah ok so like said it's a little strange...never said i was normal minded lol. my thoughts are random, my logic is out there, but it's all a part of what makes me unique.