What kind of lover are you?
When you've finished, use the answer key to find your love destiny.
1. You're in the Millbrook Garage elevator with the secret crush of your dreams. Suddenly, the elevator gets stuck in between floors and WUPD has its hands full mopping up another sewage leak in Wohl. Left to your own devices, you...
A. Make sure your chastity belt is strapped on tight.
B. Pull out the emergency picnic basket you have in cases just like these-fully loaded with candles and sensual oils. Spread out the goodies you've packed, and set the scene with a little Kenny G.
C. Get it on. Get it on, again. Compare notes.
D. Chain your crush to the side handle and brandish your whip from your patent leather undies. Don't forget the mask!
2. What are the contents of your bedside drawer?
A. A stun gun to fight off potential hooligans.
B. A secret shrine to the guy/girl you've never talked to in Chem Lab but plan to any day now.
C. A vibrator/lubricant for when your hookup buddy isn't answering the phone.
D. Inflatable doll with seven working orifices.
3. The first time someone told you they loved you, you replied:
A. "Love means never having to say I'll compromise my Philistine-like values. Keep your distance, buddy."
B. You could barely breathe through all the tears, but you smiled back and whispered, "It was meant to be."
C. You spat on them in disgust and walked out, grabbing your clothes from the ground on the way.
D. "Get on your knees; we've got work to do."
4. To what song do you most like to get it on?
A. If by "get it on" you mean hold hands and enjoy each other's sweet company, then it's "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" for me!
B. Oh, any song from Celine's "Greatest Hits" will do.
C. The soundtrack from last weekend's frat party.
D. Bondage music, or Britney's "I'm a Slave 4 U," if all else fails.
5. Your close friends would describe you as...
A. Unsullied.
B. Sickeningly saccharine.
C. Party monster.
D. I don't permit my friends to talk when I'm not in my bondage gear.
6. Where are you most likely to meet your next steady?
A. Church/Synagogue/Mosque, or at the ceremony for your arranged marriage.
B. On your tour of the Wash U campus before you even matriculated.
C. At Student Health, where you're getting your weekly STD testing.
D. At the regular Wash U Spank meetings.
7. The Valentine's Day present you're most likely to give is...
A. A pamphlet of Jessica Simpson's most inspirational quotes on waiting until marriage.
B. A heart-shaped box of chocolates and a book containing Shakespeare's most romantic sonnets.
C. Oral sex and a high five.
D. A new pair of handcuffs to complete the police officer ensemble your partner's perfecting.
8. The Valentine's Day present you'd most like to receive is...
A. A homemade journal in which to keep my impure thoughts.
B. A proposal and a set wedding date at Graham Chapel.
C. Oral sex and a high five.
D. Some new leather chaps and a gift certificate to your local sex shop.
9. Your dream lover is...
A. Saving him/herself for me while helping out the victims of the recent Tsunami crisis.
B. Currently waiting for me somewhere on a sandy beach, ready to start a life of loving joy together.
C. Ha! I've probably already done her/him, as well as every other person this side of SLU.
D. Waiting on my swing at home.
10. You've arrived to class early and have those seven extra minutes to wait. You sit down next to the guy/girl you've been checking out, and you...
A. Pass out flyers for the next "Waiting for The One" support group you'll be leading.
B. Frantically scribble a love note to your intended and then paste their pictures all over your notebook in a collage.
C. Unbutton your shirt and hit on your teacher. Screw the person you've been checking out, you've already screwed them.
D. Break out the duct tape, secure them to the desk and do a lap dance.
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Mostly As: You're a great lover-or at least you plan to be one day. You have faith that sex is going to be great on your wedding night, and then on the rare occasions when you'll come together with your spouse to procreate. Get real, honey. You're just hiding behind this virginal thing to avoid getting out of there and meeting that special saint.
Mostly Bs: You're a lover in the most classic sense. Classically foolish. Get your head out of the clouds, because while your fat ass is eating the chocolates you're buying to give to your potential mate, Mr. or Ms. Right is walking right by you, cringing.
Mostly Cs: You're a lover, all right-for five minutes, that is. You don't like to be tied down (unlike the Mostly Ds), but slow down and you might find someone who lasts. For ten minutes, at least.
Mostly Ds: You're a lover and a fighter. You're not afraid to show people your freaky side, and that's okay, as long as no one gets hurt. You're willing to take on many roles in your relationships, including French maid, English butler, firefighter, and cowboy. Keep your eyes open and you just might find the person who wants to settle down with you in the dungeon of your dreams.
