Its been ten years now and with two wonderful children.
I got a second engagement ring for Christmas. (that is now back in its box, and given back to him)
I sometimes wander if he ever had the intention of marrying me.
Now my eight year old questions why mommy has a different last name from him, and why daddy won't marry mommy.
I just stare speechless, not knowing the words to tell my son. Not even knowing the words to tell myself.
With my heart breaking into even smaller pieces.
It has been a very rough and bumpy ride, and at times felt like a roller coaster that i was going to fall off of.
Too many ups and downs with curves and turns.
But I survived. And I'm still here, and still in love. (though sometimes wondering "WHY?")
I just sit here patiently waiting, still loving this man, and doing the best I can to make things work.
I have left before, letting him know how I feel.
We make amends and plan for things to be better.
Yet, I still feel the same.
I can not think only of myself anymore.
We have a home together and we have built such a life together for ourselves and our kids.
I am happy yet still feel so much hurt and confusion, not knowing what to do or what to expect.
Hopeing and wishing for the best, whatever that may be.
Just going day by day, and moment by moment.
He will always be in my heart and in my life no matter what. We are bound together for life by our sons.
I just wish that he could love me the way he once did.
But most of all, I want to feel Whole again!!!
