AngelEyes's blog: "More Recent Writings/Poems!!!"

A single tear rolls down my cheeck, My soul is lost and cold. Trying to get over the heartbreak again. Everytime you use me, over and over, The wound cuts deeper and tears me apart. I try, try my hardest to stay away. But no matter how much you hurt me, again and again. I still stay. The love I feel deep in my heart, You and I know I'll never leave, as much as i've tried. So I sit here with you, BUT lonely and abandoned. Waiting to be used again.

Its been ten years now and with two wonderful children. I got a second engagement ring for Christmas. (that is now back in its box, and given back to him) I sometimes wander if he ever had the intention of marrying me. Now my eight year old questions why mommy has a different last name from him, and why daddy won't marry mommy. I just stare speechless, not knowing the words to tell my son. Not even knowing the words to tell myself. With my heart breaking into even smaller pieces. It has been a very rough and bumpy ride, and at times felt like a roller coaster that i was going to fall off of. Too many ups and downs with curves and turns. But I survived. And I'm still here, and still in love. (though sometimes wondering "WHY?") I just sit here patiently waiting, still loving this man, and doing the best I can to make things work. I have left before, letting him know how I feel. We make amends and plan for things to be better. Yet, I still feel the same. I can not think only of myself anymore. We have a home together and we have built such a life together for ourselves and our kids. I am happy yet still feel so much hurt and confusion, not knowing what to do or what to expect. Hopeing and wishing for the best, whatever that may be. Just going day by day, and moment by moment. He will always be in my heart and in my life no matter what. We are bound together for life by our sons. I just wish that he could love me the way he once did. But most of all, I want to feel Whole again!!!

This is written in the Hebrew Talmud!!! (the book where all of the sayings and preaching of Rabbis are conserved over time) It says: "Be careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The WOMAN CAME OUT of a MAN's RIB. NOT from his FEET to be WALKED on, and Not from his HEAD to be SUPERIOR, but from the SIDE to be EQUAL, from UNDER the ARM to BE PROTECTED, and NEXT to the HEART to be LOVED."

As children we are told many different things that we take for granted, and never believe the Adults that told them to us. For example: 1. When parents said to you while whipping your ass, "This hurts me more than it hurts you." I am a mother now, and i completely understand it. It kills me to punish my child and see the looks on their face, though it has to be done. 2. When everyone said "Don't wish to grow up, cause when your grown, you wish you were young again." This is sooooooo true, but of course when your young, you don't listen. 3. How about how everyone says "I will not be like my parents say the things they said, when I have kids." I find myself constantly saying my fathers words when i'm getting onto my children. Its just Hereditary........ No matter how hard you try not to, it just happens. 4. When they told you "Don't knod your head, they can't hear anything rattling." I now know how annoying it is when your trying to have a conversation with your child and all they do knod, and like they used to say, you can't hear anything rattling. 5. Everyone always said "When you have children they will be and act two or three times worst than you did as a child." Didn't believe it then, but I see it now. The only thing is, noone ever tells you that your children will be two or three times as bad at the other parent.......... 5. People always say "What goes around comes around." Sometimes I believe, and sometimes I don't know that I would say that I don't believe, but it sure takes a long time for some people to get what they deserve. (lol) 6. You always heard the one "Fool me once, shame on you, Fool me twice, shame on me." For this one I actually look at it differently. I say "Fuck me once, shame on me......(cause i allowed it) Fuck me twice shame on you"......(cuase you better run, like I also always say, Payback is a MotherFucker) 7. And that "What you do as a child will come back and haunt you later." Well, I am ganna be 26 next month with 2 children, and (knock on wood) nothings haunting me yet. LOL

Why do RELATIONSHIPS and LOVE SUCK???? Why are they so hard and complicated?? And so damn confusing??? Why can't we ever figure them out??? Why do we even need and want them in our lives???? Why are there so many lies about them(that have people thinking they are soooo wonderful)??? If they're so wonderful, then why do they just fade away, and end(sometimes with no warnings)???? Why does it HURT so damn bad???? How can they have so much power over us??? Why do we do, say and make decisions about things that we normally wouldn't, and say its because of LOVE??? Is LOVE really the reason?? Or just an excuse that we use??? If so, why do we use it??? Is it just to make us feel better??? Does it really help us feel better about it???? Or is it just our own self-pitty???? Why is it so easy to LOVE, But so hard to be LOVED????? Why do we LOVE??? What does it really mean to LOVE someone??? How is this 4 letter word so powerful and mean so much???? How is it that everyone can have different views and definitions of LOVE and RELATIONSHIPS???? Why do we make such a big deal about them??? Why do they matter so much to us???? Does anyone really even know what LOVE IS???? Why its so important to us???? Why do some people say its something SACRET????(Yet, its used and said so frequently by everyone) And what is a RELATIONSHIP really???? Why are there so many different kinds??? Why is it so important to us??? Why do we try so hard for them??? What do we really get from them?? What really makes a good Relationship???? Where do we go wrong with them??? And what makes it so wrong??? How do you get to the point where all feelings are gone?? Why do we get that point??? What does it mean when you want to feel, and you know you should feel something, but you don't??? How do feelings that were there for so long just disappear???? What happens?? When two people get together, they are considered to be in a relationship. They say they love each other. Obviously, there are some deep and strong feelings. Everything is good. Something goes wrong. They no longer have the same feelings. It all ends, and there are so many unanswered questions... Too much blame goin around with fingers being pointed. Some people might stay and try. Never workin anything out because they don't get over what has happened. So then it becomes a big painful, stressful rollercoaster ride. With the same issues and problems over and over again. If and when it finally does end, there's more blame and finger pointing, alot more unanswered questions, and now alot of regret. Every Relationship has problems. Some big some small. But they are there. Is this really a relationship???? Why do we want that???? Everyone always goes through basically the same issues. But yet we all look for relationships, and want to be in them. No matter the consequences, the chances, or the pain and headaches. Why is that???? Why is that what we want and long for??? Because of stories that we've all heard. We sit around thinking that our soul mate, (prince charming, goddess, one and only, perferct match, etc.) is goin to come and everything will be perfect. Well... What makes us think that relationship will be perfect?? Why don't we think we will have problems with them??? How do we know that they are our soul mate???? And if they are, How do we know that we are theirs??? Does our perfect soul mate or what ever you wanna call them really even exist???? How do we know who it is??? How will we know its them???? Where have they been??? If they are our soul mates and we were meant to be together, then... Why weren't we together to begin with??? Sometimes I wander if everything really does happen for a reason, or like everything else we just try to make excuses to help us feel better..