Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says, "Jack let me tell you something. On my Wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and I said, here try these on."
So she did and said, "These just don't fit."
So I replied, "...Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good
thing to try. So on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill,
"Here try these on."
So she does and says, "These just won't fit."
So Jacks says,"Exactly. I wear the pants in this
family and I always will, and I don't want you to
ever forget that."
Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here you try on mine. So he does and says, "I can't get into these."
So Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."
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Topics interesting to women
To judge from the covers of countless women's magazines, the two topics most interesting to women are:
(1) Why men are all disgusting pigs, and
(2) How to attract men.
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Do you know what one tampon said to the other tampon?
Nothing, they are both stuck up bitches.
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Smart Kid
After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.
One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"
After a moment, her youngest 5 year old son replied quizzically, "Er.... Once?"
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Preach
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind".
The pastor shouted out "CROSS".
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS".
The pastor hollered out "GRACE". The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound".
The pastor said, "POWER". The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD".
The Pastor said, "SEX". The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all! nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the
church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES".
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St Peter
Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling asleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man, dressed in a white robe, standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... and who are you?" He asked.
"This isn't your bedroom." The man replied. "I am St. Peter and you're in Heaven."
"WHAT!" Said Tom. "Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young. I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy." Said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is yours."
Tom thought about it and figured that being a dog is too tiring but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
Running around with a rooster can't be that bad, he thought. "I want to return as a hen." Tom replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken coop, nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna explode.
Just then along came a rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about. How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, okay I guess, but my ass feels like it's about to explode."
"Oh that!" Said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Tom asked.
"Cluck twice and then you push real hard."
So Tom clucked twice, pushed hard and 'plop', an egg was on the ground.
"Wow!" Said Tom. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed and you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!"
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Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven ....
A: She didn't know which 1 came first.
