xLx's blog: "Wandering"

"You're so strong" they say, "I couldn't get out of bed" they say

They tell you "I don't know how you are living day to day"

They think that I am coping - this smile that masks my grief

They think that I am coping - and it's met with great relief

But you can't see inside me and you can't read my mind

And you can't fill a hole that a child leaves behind

I have moments when everything feels like it will be okay

But I need you to know that I don't always feel that way

It's been fourteen years and many years stretch long ahead

And sometime when I'm smiling, inside I'm feeling dead

You ask me if I am "better", as though recovering from some disease

But I have lost a son and gained a pain that will not ease

How would you feel if your child had been taken away?

In a matter of years, would you really feel okay?

His life was cut short, but my love still lingers on

And for the rest of my life he remains my son

The time you have with your children you will never regret

And though our time was short, I will never forget

He is no less real, no less a person than any living child

and the tiny time we had him does not render the loss mild

I might say I see him in the sunshine, hear him when a bird sings

But I wish I didn't have to grab on to these remote and abstract things

To you it seems like beauty, like I'm finding ways to live

But I'm only holding on to the little life can give

Half the time I don't know what I actually feel

Most of the time the fact that he's gone seems horribly surreal

And I scream, I cry, I rage but I do it all in silence

And my exterior seems serene while my interior's in violence

But these thoughts are too dark, too strange for me to say aloud

And so I stay silent, and you say "You're strong - I'm proud"

I know you're trying to help, that you don't know what to say

But please don't believe me when I reply that "I'm Okay"

I wander

Meandering through

the endless fields

Dead. Brown. Lifeless.

The grass crunches

beneath my heavy feet

the wind scorches my face

as it whirls the dust away

whirls through the void in my being

I lift my arms

as if to take flight

to follow the

inconsequential dust specks

which have no purpose

no destination

no thoughts and no dreams

into the sky

To break free of the clouds

rip my way through

the dense fog of

the questions

the desolation

the apathy

To break free and finally feel

feel the sun's rays

warming my face

To soar higher and higher

burning away

the lies, the frustration

betrayals and failures

Exposing myself

tender and naive

overwhelmed and surrounded

by the brilliant color

of the bright azure sky