This is for my own reading pleasure for the most part. The people that know me know that at times I am very private with my own personal problems and "dilemma." At this very moment my life is "perfect" yet it is all mest up in my head. I can no longer hide the fact that I'm on medication and have been for most of my life. My sister already knows and pretty much is old enough to understand. I am no longer as afraid of being misjudged or labeled because I have come to an understanding that I never had no one there to validate me so now that I'm older it shouldn't be any different. Right at this minute it can be such a wonderful moment in my life with my son in my life and everything going so "great" for me and me getting a job doing what I wanted to do. I'm happy yet I do not "appreciate" what I have in life. People always tell me that they would love to be in my shoes, how I am spoiled and always get what I want yet if they only knew they wouldn't talk. To those of you who pray for me (mainly you patty) I thank you because I honestly do not care much for prayer if it didn't help me out when I needed it then I guess it won't do much now right? I am into deep thinking right now and everything ppl tell me stays with me for a very long time next month will be the one year anniversary of death of a very close friend of mine yet, in my head, it still has not been processed. When someone dies I always think about how they will be in the morgue have their ribs cut open with tree cutting "scissors" and I hear each one of their ribs cracking. How much time they will spend in the "fridge"and then I think about if the person who is cleaning out and measuring their insides even knows how much that person might of meant to someone else. How when they tag their toe and check them off the list as "preped" , if they even think about how that person might of lived their life or how much that person was loved. I think about how in the ground, they are all alone and in the dark and no matter how much someone else might want to be with them they can't. They will be alone forever. I remember the time I preped someone to go to the morgue. How i was just "doing my job" and handled the "body" as just that - a body. It was no longer a patient but a body.When I finished him up I had completed one of the many on the list yet it was just my "job" and I no longer connected the body to the previous life it once had or to the previous conversations we had once held. Damn I'm cleaning out my "closet" so much shit is making me crazy. I held this inside for too long and its making it hard to move on. Now I'm older and I guess I finally realized that in order to make it thru I gotta let go of all the anger I have inside. I hated myself and others and all the while I was just hurting myself. I am ready (finally) to stand up for myself without being afraid.I know I've said that b4 but now everything has changed for me once more. I am never really afraid yet I always find an excuse to hold me back. I am so happy that I wrote this and I'm happy because I know that tonight I will finally be able to sleep without the body's knocking on my door. :)
