Today I listened to this song "Can't hold a good woman down" by Mary J. Blige and all I could do was nod my head listening to all her words. She practically sang that song to me LOL yes cheesy I know but I find my way thru songs like these. It's crazy shit this life i've had but I figure everyone must work with what they've got. Whatever has happened already happened so now it's gotta be done and dealt with cuz ain't no other way to live.
I've been thru a lot and maybe I might just be an immature brat at times but for the most part I've got me a good head on my shoulders. I like writing better than I like talking. Its easier for me to express myself. I can be considered a "teenage" single mom for the most part although I don't think i'm like most girls my age. I've grown up faster than what I would of liked too but now that it's over I feel that i've actually learned alot from all the crap that I had to deal with. Damn at times I actually impress myself. I stopped writing & drawing when I was 14 after the death of my best guy friend ever. I thought life would never be the same for me. I have found that he helps me out when I'm really down. My baby looks alot like him. He's the angel that always looks out for me and even though I don't pray I know he has put in a good word in for me. I've done alot of bad things but i've done alot of growing too and I've realized that I can't live my life ignoring my problems anymore. I've been hurting people on my way to "recovery" clearing my thoughts and expressing my self but i'm ready to be me. It's gotten so tiring to just pretend to be happy. It's taken me so long to clear my head but i'm on it. I'm posting all these blogs now because i'm not scared of being judged as a wacko or a crackhead or whatever the hell u ppl wanna call it. It's hard work to be "perfect" and not something I would like to achieve I just wanna clean myself up. I've been thru more rehabs than birthdays and thru more detoxification's than I can even remember. People on drugs say they cannot stop or that they can stop whenever they want. I know i believed that and to be honest I still think that a little. I have my son and he's the only reason I stopped. If it weren't for him I wouldn't be writing this, instead I would be somewhere smoking my brain cells away. I ain't afraid to say it anymore because its the god damn truth. I'm a "good" mother yet I honestly would love to go out and get so high I would practically have my room reserved in cloud 9. I'm tired of life as i've had it and i've decided i'm gonna change it for the better. Most likely I will erase all this shit by next week. I need to write it for me to see it read it and believe it. I am ready to be happy and let go of all the extra baggage i've had to carry around with me. I'm ready to grow up and "let life be."
