When a woman says "what?" It's not because she didn't hear you. She's just giving you a chance to change what you said.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

Take my advice — I'm not using it.

Headed out of town Friday 3/1 and will return on Wednesday 3/6.. Will return all likes, comments, and comments when I return. Ya'll play nice.

Know why mermaids wear seashells? Because they outgrew their B-Shells 😂

I got gas for $1.39 today. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.

Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand

My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

I'm really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.

If a short psychic broke out of jail, then you'd have a small medium at large.

An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.

If my math is correct... you need to play the for game bling 174,916 times for the VIP collect a buzz challenge

The worst part of working for the Employment Security Commission is if you get fired... you have to show up the next day

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to figure out it was just a Fanta sea.

RIP Dii Cold as Ice.. you will be missed

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.