We now live in a society where it's more important to delete history than making it.

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

I'm back... computer fixed!!!

Computer issues... will be back ASAP

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

Never marry a woman who was captain of the debate team.

I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

They used to time me with a stopwatch... now they use a calendar.

You can easily judge the character of a person by how they treat those who can do nothing for them.

You can easily judge the character of a person by how they treat those who can do nothing for them.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.

College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

When a woman says "what?" It's not because she didn't hear you. She's just giving you a chance to change what you said.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

Take my advice — I'm not using it.

Headed out of town Friday 3/1 and will return on Wednesday 3/6.. Will return all likes, comments, and comments when I return. Ya'll play nice.

Know why mermaids wear seashells? Because they outgrew their B-Shells 😂