MONIQUE FM2 GARRY's blog: "UNIVERSE"

The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response. Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. And you needed it to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you. From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you. From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart. From the friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave. From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” or “I got you” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when shit got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too. From all the lies and all the betrayals. You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point. Extreme-independence IS. A. TRUST. ISSUE. You learnt: if I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me, or when they drop the ball... because they will ALWAYS drop the ball EVENTUALLY right? You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you. Extreme-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak. So, you don’t trust anyone. And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people. To trust is to hope, to trust is to be vulnerable. “Never again,” you vow. But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall. Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either. Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming. It’s a trauma response. The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed. You are worthy of having support. You are worthy of having true partnership. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of having your heart held. You are worthy to be adored. You are worthy to be cherished. You are worthy to have someone say, “You rest. I got this.” And actually deliver on that promise. You are worthy to receive. You are worthy to receive. You are worthy. You don’t have to earn it. You don’t have to prove it. You don’t have to bargain for it. You don’t have to beg for it. You are worthy. Worthy. Simply because you exist. -Jamila White, @inspiredjamila

I’ve never chosen the woman I was, my path chose me instead. Whatever I needed, whatever life called for- that’s who I became. Whatever role I needed to be, that was who I evolved into.. Mother, sister, partner, friend, mentor, survivor, provider, protector.. I’ve been each of those and more. It wasn’t about what I ever wanted, but what I needed to do and be. I always did what I had to do to keep moving forward in my life. Truth is, I didn’t know how I’d make it sometimes, but I always found a way. I’ve been the one who everyone looked to for strength, courage and passion, and somehow, I was always able to become what I needed to be. I won’t say it’s been easy or painless, because the struggle I fought was almost overwhelming at times.. But I made things happen, because that’s who I am. I’ll never be fearless, flawless or faultless, but I’ll always be real, genuine and authentic. I love with all my heart and I don’t do anything halfway. My soul is filled with passion and I love hard when there’s love to be had. I fill many roles and I have a never ending list of responsibilities, but I’ve learned I’m capable of conquering anything. The fires that once threatened to burn me alive now fuel my drive to rise above and fly high. Maybe my plans don’t always work out perfectly and there may have been a time or two when it came off the rails, but I managed to find my way almost every time. I’ve provided for and protected those who needed me. I’ve loved my people who wanted me. I’ve fought for the ones who couldn’t do it themselves. I’m a woman of many talents, qualities and depths..born of the darkest times which forged my ironclad spirit. But no matter who I’ve been and what I’ve done, there’s always one part of me that I’ve needed most: The survivor. She’s the one that kept me going, gave me strength and lifted me up when I fell. Come what may, she’ll always be the part I value most, For as long as I will ever need her, She’ll always be there.

Me: Hello Universe Universe: Hello... Me: I'm falling apart. Can you put me back together? Universe: I'd rather not. Me: Why? Universe: Because you're not a puzzle. Me: What about all the pieces of my life that fall to the ground? Universe: Leave them there for a while. They fell for a reason. Let them be there for a while and then decide if you need to get any of those pieces back. Me: You don't understand! I'm breaking apart! Universe: No, you don't understand. You're transcending, evolving. What you feel are growing pains. You're getting rid of the things and people in your life that are holding you back. The pieces are not falling down. The pieces are putting in place. Relax. Take a deep breath and let those things you no longer need fall down. Stop clinging to pieces that are no longer for you. Let them fall. Let them go. Me: Once I start doing that, what will I have left? Universe: Only the best pieces of you. Me: I'm afraid to change. Universe: I keep telling you: YOU'RE NOT CHANGING! YOU'RE BECOMING! Me: Becoming, Who? Universe: Becoming who I created you to be! A person of light, love, charity, hope, courage, joy, mercy, grace and compassion. I made you for so much more than those shallow pieces you decided to adorn yourself with and that you cling to with so much greed and fear. Let those things fall off you. I love you! Don't change! Become! Don't change! Become! Become who I want you to be, who I created. I'm gonna keep telling you this until you remember. Me: There goes another piece. Universe: Yes. Let it be like this. Me: So... I'm not broken? Universe: No, but you're breaking the darkness, like dawn. It's a new day. Become!! Become who you really are!! Author and artist unknown.