NikkiRogers's blog: "Typical me"

I openly admit that I have a considerable reputation and image as a woman that is not to be offended or irritated under any circumstances though I would like to assure you I only react within a hostile manner when justifiably provoked. If you do not provoke me I will not harm you. The concept is simple to grasp. So why I ask myself does every car driver on the road feel compelled to attempt to wipe me out? Harleys are NOT small bikes by any standard and the typical excuse "I didn't see you" is NOT acceptable!!! If those of you that drive as though you are void of any intelligence or care for harley and bike riders want a war I'll give you a damn war!!! I am NOT a happy camper today!!! Please allow me to explain. I was traveling home on my bike (a 1340 C.C. Dyna Wide Glide Harley Davidson.) I was traveling at 80 mph though cars were still passing me as though I was completely stationary. A BMW drew up alongside me. Despite my irritance I ignored it and continued down the motorway. Then the *swear word* decides he's going to act up to impress his 15 year old girlfriend and starts to gradually move further and further on to my side of the road forcing me further and futher over in my lane until eventually he was so far over he had me going the wrong way down a one way system. Infurated I began to ram the seide of his car literally bouncing my bike off his car until finally he moved back over and aloowed me to renter my lane. Despite the satisfaction I got from the huge dents I had put in the side of his precious car I was still seething. Thinking he was safe in his car he then pulls up alongside me again and gives me the finger. Furious I lead across my tank and put my fist literally through his drivers window punching him in the head. Later upon stopping to refuel I calmed down and to my horror discovered how deep the slash wounds in my hand were. I now have had to have the glass shards removed and have my right fist in a bandage. This has NOT been a pleasent weekend for me!

During my most recent stay in Russia I also had the pleasure of sleeping in a trailer on one occasion. Unfortunately the company I was in proved determined to not only infurate but also embarass me in one simple action. After a long night clubbing I, my partner and a member of my family attempted to stagger back to my mother's home only to discover we had infact lost our key. Not wanting to wake everyone up we decided to sleep in the trailer she keeps in her drive way. As the first person in to the trailer I instantly claimed the bed. My partner got the couch while unfrtounately my cousin was left with the hammock which was little more then a pitiful think piece of fabric with two poles that fit in to two slots in the wall. We were all fine until half way through the night my cousin rolled over causing the hammock to collapse and sending him careering at high speed across trailer towards me. The sudden shift in weight distribution then caused the trailer to perform what can only be described as a "wheelie" and slide gracefully out of the front driveway and in to a drainage ditch full of shit.

Russia is an incredible and mind blowing country for me. The history, the culture, the people it gives me a deep sense of pride to know that I am half Russian. Despite this I was unable to resist temptation during my recent trip (16th-29th December 06) and feel I should now confess to the other acts of insanity I was gulty of while there. I have already revealed my speeding ticket revenge upon my aunt but there were other incidents in which my judgement slipped. First of all there was the night I went clubbing with a few members of my family and after drinking myself almost under the table (not to mention my companions) discovered we were all too pissed to remember the way home. After a few hours searching in the bitter cold we came up with a brilliant plan. We would sleep in a telephone box. So there we were six adults all drunk, freezing cold and standing up asleep togather in a telephone box. We were woken early next morning by a policeman demanding we vacate the phonebox and explain ourselves. Unfortunately one of my family members had used a folded in half cigerate (I've never smoked by the way) packet to wedge the door closed so we didn't fall out during the night and the now soaked packet had swelled jamming the door shut. Finally the fire brigade were called out and we were cut free infront of a steadily massing crowd.

Monday, January 01, 2007 My annual New Year's Eve house party is one of the very rare traditions I personally have and last night's was arguably the best to date. A total of 32 guests attended, food and drink were served, music was played, I had the barbecue going outside and a roaring bonfire around the back of the house. Anyone interested in attending the 2007 party?

Recently I have been reflecting upon my past antics and behaviour and have come to the conclusion that not only will I always be abnormal but that daring to irritate me should be officaly classed as the most painful and common method of suicide in England. Unfortunately my sarcasm, negativity and vendictive streak only appear to increase as time passes. My aunt discovered that while I was in Siberia. After infurating me on a number of occasions I personally believe what I did was justified. After borrowing her car without permission I spent three hours driving around purposely flooring it in direct view of as many speed cameras as I could possibly find. Naturally what comes back on all the speeding tickets is HER number plate and HER car. And people say I'm incapable of being subtle.

Sunday, December 31, 2006 As my friends will be fully aware from the 16th-29th of December 2006 I was in Siberia, Russia visiting my mother. Despite my efforts I once more reverted to my typical antics. This took the form of placing cling fill acorss all the open door ways within the home and allowing all of my unfortunately family to walk in to the cling fill that acted as a sticky net trapping them. I think I'm only getting worse as time passes.

Monday, December 11, 2006 Before I start may I remind you that I am half Russian (my father is American my mother Russian) so please do not accuse me of either racism or intentionally insulting/offending anyone. Tonight saw my own home witness its very own mini nuclear meltdown thanks to my partner and his typical male intelligence and lack of basic common sense. Heating up a metal pan full of chicken is arguably one of the most embarassing acts of stupidity I have had the displeasure of witnessing. Before I could stop him he pressed the button and ofcourse seconds later an impressive bang was heard followed by the kitchin completely filling with a think black smoke. I can't decide how to exact my revenge for the murder of my microwave but I'm open to suggestions from anyone.

Sunday, December 03, 2006 I assume it is natural for mother and father in laws to dispise their son or daughter in law though after my unfortunate accident last night I believe mine may well be in the process of tying a noose for me. Me and my boyfriend were spending the night at their home and after conversation and some drink we went up to bed leaving his parents downstairs. Later after attempting to use the toliet across the ladning and slipping down the staris I was found laying at the bottom of the stairs asleep, pissed and completely naked by his parents.

Nikki VS. the car roof The title is self explanitory. Last night I was out drinking with a few friends. I was a passenger in one car and traveling infront of us. As we approached some traffic lights I climbed on to our bonnet. My plan? To leap on to the roof of their car and hang down over the windscreen scaring them. Unfortunatley I was unaware that their roof was canvas. We stopped at the lights I fell forward instead of leaping and fell straight through the roof on to the passngers.

My antics are designed with humour in mind and are not intended to harm or distress so why do men and women alike have such an issue with them? Last night is a perfect example. I made the mistake of attending a house party with my partner only to have him pass out in the back garden. Who am I not to take advantage of the situation? So I took a fresh unused comdom, streched it to make it look used, filled it with shower gel to give the impression of seaman and gently used a pencil to insert it in to his ass. Then I waited until he woke up. Nikki: "Where's you friend?" Jesse: "What friend?" Nikki: "That tall German bloke you were drinking with earlier. You two were really getting along but you must have been pissed. You had your arms around each other, telling each other you loved each other. Then a few hours ago you simply vanished." Jesse (angry as a kicked over nest full of hornets) "Where is he!!!!" Nikki: "He's inside the house with the other guests." *Jesse storms off and spends the night searching for a German that doesn't exist.* Am I the only one that finds it funny? Nikki