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Time to open up, not just about personal philosophies, but about me.
I was raised in an emotionally abusive household. A kid who was born paralyzed from mid thigh down, with one parent in particular who just couldn’t tolerate that, and another who, in many ways, acquiesced to his intolerance. I’ve had immediate family call me fat. I’ve had immediate family tell me that I’d never be worth anything to women as a guy with a disability. I’ve had immediate family physically hit me just out of spite for the amount of attention I received as a kid. Yes, I’m in counselling for these and numerous other issues.
All of that has informed a personality that for a lack of a better word is “different”. It’s certainly not one of a guy who walks into a room and knows his place. I’m not a “presence”. I rely on humour to get through to people. I have no problem being completely self-deprecating and, yes, sometimes I’ll say things that piss people off - but it’s largely down to the fact that most people really don’t know my story.
Between the ages of about nineteen and twenty two I was very sexually aggressive. I would have no problem letting you know I wanted to fuck you and that I’d be upset if you said no. As it often does, that approach led to a shit ton of rejection. It wasn’t abject failure, but it certainly didn’t work most of the time. When it did, it was largely just empty bullshit, and was almost entirely limited to just foreplay. No sane woman would have wanted an ass like me inside of her.
On Thanksgiving weekend 1999, I, at age 22, right in the (supposed) prime of my young adulthood and virility, went into kidney failure. By February of the following year, I was chained to a dialysis machine three times a week (a total of nine hours, unless the treatment didn’t go well). I couldn’t work. I couldn’t go out because I had no energy. I had been, in large part, stripped of my identity and my ability to exert any kind of masculine appeal (compounded by the fact that a guy in a chair isn’t the most attractive anyway),
By the end of May (May 21st to be exact) of 2002, I had a kidney transplant and a new lease on life. I started to work, started going to clubs - but something just was…missing. They say that having an organ transplant of any kind makes you more emotional, but, it seemed to have robbed me of any real “game” that I had left. Know how many women I’ve been with since May 21, 2002? Three. One very wrongheaded one night stand which, again, was limited to just foreplay, one long distance relationship (we saw each other every other weekend) and one “real” relationship. None of these lasted more than four or five months. Aside from that, oh - and one quasi-date with someone who emailed me IN POINT FORM after the date a list of all the reasons why I’d be wrong for her, I’ve been completely alone.
As of now, I can count probably a half a dozen women within my immediate sphere of recognition (Read: not fantasy model superstars and actresses. These are people who actually occupy a place in my life) who I’d love to have enough money or power or charisma or good looks or other means of influence to be able to text or call them and go “hey ….tonight, I want you, make it happen…” and it would, regardless of whatever situation they were in at the time. I don’t have whatever “that thing” is anymore. Whatever it is that can snap a woman to attention and make her see something in me. There was a moment, a brief, shining moment in my life, about twenty years ago when I can say I probably - no - I ABSOLUTELY “had it”, and that’s when I became a dick. I had it, I got cocky, got too expectant, got burned,I suppose I’m now paying the price - loneliness. Ahh, Karma and rejection ye be fickle bitches.
In fact, I can honestly say that my personality has flipped 180 degrees in 20 years. I’m not sure if that’s down to just getting older, or because so many of the life experiences I’ve mentioned above are more in focus, or because the world has changed and what women want in a partner has changed. It’s probably all of the above, to a certain extent. All I know is that it used to be much easier, and as the world has gotten tougher, I’ve gotten more timid, socially. I’ve gone from being aggressive to being very timid and anxious, easily flustered. I no longer make the first move, out of fear of rejection. Ok, that’s not quite true. I’ll initiate conversations and (relatively) harmless flirting, but if it came down to me making the move to take things to “the next level”, I’d freeze. There would be no way. Nowadays, I’d NEVER text someone and go “Hey, tonight, I want you. Make it happen.” unless it had already happened at least once (and I’m NOT going back to my ex…yurgh), or it had been made so blindingly obvious that there was mutual interest that it couldn’t help but happen. I do tend to miss those signals though. Yeah, I’m kind of a moron when it comes to dating.
Not long after New Year’s - I was chatting to a friend of mine and I made the comment that I’d love to make 2015 “my late teens and early 20s revisited”, meaning that I’d live with that kind of hope, and wild abandon and intensity that characterized that time in my life. Would I do things differently? Yes. I certainly have a greater sense of respect for women as human beings than I did then, and I’d use humour to my advantage instead of just expectant brooding. Of course, the first seven and a half weeks have been spent laid up with pneumonia and then worrying about family illness, so it hasn’t quite gone to plan….but there’s still time ;-).
Thanks for reading.
About a week ago, I posted the following status on another social media site which generated a fair bit of positive praise:
“I love wild and willfully imperfect people. I love fly by the seat of your pants with no regrets people. I love people who take chances, who live in the moment, and who are open to experiencing things they’ve never experienced before. In other words, I love people who are the exact antithesis of who I am. These are the people I need to surround myself with if I’m to live a life I can be happy with.”
What surprised me, at least in my initial thoughts after witnessing the positive responses (the number of “likes” if you will), is the number of people who seemed to relate to that status and those ideas who I never would have thought would relate to a truth like that. Now, whether they were positive because it was something *I* posted, or whether they actually related to what I was saying is something that I’m still trying to figure out, but my hope is that they found something within themselves when they read it that made them think “Yeah, that’s kind of me, whether anyone knows it or not”. MY truth, though, is there in black and white, regardless of why or how someone found something compatible or relateable: I love people who take risks, who take chances, who fly by the seat of their pants without worrying about what might happen in the immediate term and who open themselves up to new and exciting things that they may not have allowed themselves to be open to. This, as I said above, is the EXACT opposite of who I am.
I care too much about what others think (to the point that I sat here for the better part of this afternoon wondering if I should even bother writing at all, or just scrap the blog entirely and keep some pretty unconventional ideas to myself). I plan too much, and I’ve got deep anxiety about trying things that I’ve never tried before. I need to break out of that shell. I don’t live life, I observe too much without actually getting my hands dirty and living life. I willingly live vicariously through other people, for reasons that I’ll get into later in the blog, instead of actually getting out and finding my own way and my own experiences. I need to stop that. I really just need someone to care enough to try to pull me out of my shell, I guess.
Okay, long-winded preamble over. That was a very circuitous way of getting to the point that I’m an observer of people. I have, I think, a sense for people, whether they know that or believe it or not. I know a LOT of people in relationships, the vast majority of my friends are in long-term committed relationships, and in spite of the fact that most of them tell me they’re happy, I know for an absolute fact that some of them (granted, a relatively small percentage) are living a bald-faced lie when they tell me that. This actually led to a discussion with someone who I have all the time and respect for in the world, who only very recently accepted a job as a professor of sociology at Tulane University, one of America’s finer post-secondary institutions. The discussion happened, as they often do, on a particular social networking site where direct chat is allowed.
For a LONG time, I’ve believed that monogamy isn’t natural for human beings, we are generally too intelligent, and with intelligence comes curiosity about the world around us and the people who we surround ourselves with. I personally do NOT believe that the concept of “100 percent monogamy 100 percent of the time” as has been morally drilled into us over the course of most of our lifetimes is feasible, and it’s certainly not conducive to long-term happiness. Now, let me be clear, I DO NOT advocate reckless sex. I do NOT advocate “sport fucking”, and I especially don’t advocate for those things in a household or situation where children are involved. That said, if mommy and daddy, as two adults, make sure that the children in the house are made to feel loved and secure and provided for, regardless of what they do in their private time, it’s a VERY delicate balance, but I suppose it could be done happily. Nor, it must be said, do I believe in “revenge fucking”, meaning, I don’t believe that you should just go out and randomly do something with someone just because the person you’re with has somehow made you unhappy. Let’s have an open and frank discussion about relationship paradigms, though, and let’s start here. I’ve received permission from my friend to post our discussion about monogamy on this blog, so, for context if nothing else, here goes (again, this is a woman who has a degree in sociology, she studies this stuff for a living):
Me: “As someone who’s studied sociology - can I ask you a difficult question about a belief system that I’ve long held and it’s only become strengthened watching other friends in their relationships…? I just wanna know if my thinking is way the hell off base”
Her: “Go for it!”
Me: “True or False…we as humans are too naturally curious to maintain 100 percent monogamy 100 percent of the time..go.”
Her: “True! We argue that it is actually quite unnatural to be monogamous as most animal species are not. Rather, relationships are social constructions as there are many rules and regulations in place to uphold a heteronormative, sexuality script. If monogamy was so natural then we wouldn’t need to be conditioned by all these rules and regulations.”
Me: “LOL So I’m NOT way off base… lol whew”
Her: “Nope. Just the simple fact that affairs can be traced back to the beginning of written human history speaks volumes to the fact that we are not truly a monogamous bunch.”
Me: “Now - let me be clear…cheating is always bad…period…but - cheating to me is as much about the intent as it is about the act itself. Cheating is as much about "I’m unhappy so I’m doing this to hurt the person I’m with”. If someone meets someone, even within the context of a relationship they’re already in, that they’re intrigued by, I don’t think they should be scorned for pondering the notion of “doing something about it” as they say. I’d like to think that my viewpoint is kind of an evolved one.. lol but maybe not.. lol"
Her: “Well cheating is bad in the context of our prescribed social scripts. However, if we changed the scripts and realized that people grow and change and if you do not grow and change in the same direction then it’s time to move on, then I believe cheating would take on a whole new perspective. But we are usually too caught up in the idealized version of what society says a relationship should be, but as a sociologist, I argue that relationships as well as sexuality are not fixed and static but rather are fluid and subject to change over time. I always say,, NOTHING is forever.”
Beyond that we exchanged pleasantries and I thanked her for her viewpoint (told her she’s my new favourite conversationalist ha), but she’s bang on. I think much has changed in the world, different things make people happy now than they used to. Is it maybe, perhaps, time to give the whole definition of “commitment” and what works and what doesn’t in a relationship a re-think? An update? I’d like to see what “Relationships 2.0” would look like. With a 50 percent divorce rate statistically, clearly “Relationships 1.0” isn’t working very well, is it?
Random thought about women: Why is it that I could know someone for the better part of four years, and only during the context of an argument do they bring up the idea that they’ve had “feelings” for me for “months”? If someone feels something, I expect to know, whether it’s visually, verbally or otherwise. We’re all adults, aren’t we? Don’t fucking hide behind feelings and then throw them at me as you’re about to walk out of my life. That sparks two reactions: 1) Anger that you didn’t tell me in the first place and 2) I’m kind of inclined to think that you’re a liar and just trying to make me feel like shit for arguing with you over something in the first place. She’s gone.
I have to stop feeling so fucking lonely because I’ve allowed people (people who needed to go) out of my life.
I have to stop being so shy about approaching people I’m interested in and want to get closer to.
Am I the only one with a “sexual bucket list?”. Am I, approaching age 40, too old to have a “sexual bucket list” that has a ton of stuff still on it? Maybe, but screw it. You’re about to know way more about me than you wanted to. You have been warned. Stop reading if you don’t want to know what’s on it (Or scroll down past it. I’ll be making tamer points later on). In no particular order (scroll past the dotted lines if you don’t want to know):
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Coworker.
Threesome (FFM, same room, same bed, complete involvement by all three of us)
“Friendship” that, without planning or thought, explodes into something more, even briefly. An encounter with someone who I’ve known for a period of time (months/years) who I wouldn’t expect to ever be interested in me on those terms (I love surprises..haha).
In public (in a car is acceptable here)
Watching two women (at least one of which I know personally). Being in the same room, but not necessarily being in bed with them.
Someone who’s in a relationship with someone but who has feelings for me they can’t ignore (this has already happened in my distant past and was an amazing feeling. Best sex of my life, actually).
“Ex Sex”: Unfortunately I’ve lost touch with many of my exes, and my most recent ex …YURGH. It’s on the list, though, in general terms.
“Drunk sex” Yes, folks, at age 38 I’ve never had drunk sex. I’ve only ever had “mildly tipsy” sex. Ha.
Sex while high: I’ve never been high on anything in my life except for painkillers after surgeries (and a “contact high” at a gig a number of years ago, from secondhand pot smoke), so I don’t ever see this happening.
