Current mood: bummed
Okay, I haven't blogged in awhile. I had thought the dude that gave me the cell fone would the One and Only for me. And then after this past wkend, he was wanting me to make a decision to move to Vancouver immediately. I had cried on that Monday's conversation...twice! I thought that the love we shared was there and instead he wasn't willing to hear what I wanted in the relationship. I wanted to take it slow and he wanted to rush rush rush. I have been having funky dreams ever since that conversation. Then tonight's conversation was ever so going into the shit hole. I just basically dumped online and I had backbone thru out the whole conversation. He's telling me I have to grow up and compromise and when I asked for the same in return...he wasn't willing or wanting to do that. Then he turns around saying I didn't know how to kiss and shit. I mean, he kept trying to pull shit out of the hat of his to make me cry or whatever and I wasn't havin' none of it. He tells me his fone is working and proceeds to tell me that mine is turned the fuck off. HellsBells! I was sending him texts to him every day of the words he wanted to hear, but he wanted me there to cuddle up with every night. I wasn't about to move into a place that already has bad vibes to it and I wasn't about to become a room mate, neither.
From what I heard of tonight's conversation, it was all poor me, poor me coming from him. He was not in reality of anything. And he had "wanted" to love me and put it in my lap that I don't let anyone in and I mess with guy's emotions. No. Not me. I like Karma alot and I am too honest for my own good. I like to be blunt about my emotions and crap. So it don't confuse anyone in the process.
I have been single and not dating anyone in about a yr and half now. And I think I have a pretty good head on my shoulders on what I want in a relationship. An equal. And I had thought I had found him. But he made himself out to be all pretty on the outside, then I got to find out the ugly side of him. Its disgusting that no REAL MAN can step up to the plate on what it is truly is a relationship that needs to built up on a good plan and everything. I ask so little in what I want out of a relationship and I still get shit on.
But I feel the consequences of this Asshole will spread vicious lies about what he thinks I am to his friends. I like Karma. And I don't need that kind of shit to come back to me. When I am very honest to everyone around me. I am very true to feelings in xpressing them. And here I go again...it gets all squashed into my face like a bad upside down pineapple cake.
I only introduced this nut to my g'mother, my parents, and my best friend, Emily. I have been able to share with her about that physically. Now she will see the conversation in her email, too. I have shared this with friends online...here and everywhere. Cuz that's what y'all need to know. I thought for a MOMENT that he was the Right One. Now...*shakes head*...don't know what else to do.
Am I that wrong to have any happiness? to have an equal in a relationship? to have anything sane happen in my life? Was I made wrong?
Yes, another mechanic dude gone down the tubes. And now I have to tell the bad news to my parents. Gods!
Anyway, I am beginning to really think into a love spell or something to find my One and Only... I swear I won't ever find that One and Only, anymore. Its getting me down each time I shed some light on my heart and it still gets tore up, anyway.
My life sucks, but I am dealing with it.
I believe my life would be better if I started over on the eastern side of washington state now. Its becoming more and more clearer. When that time comes...hopefully soon...I will make that step.
This wkend, I am planning on going to the east of wa state for a wkend. There will be male strippers on Friday night. That's going to be fun. Saturday is up in the air, but if I do have a place to crash with a good friend of mine. I might not be rational. I have warned other friends for Sunday...that I need to make cookies for them to just to keep busy, instead of curlin' up in a ball and crying my eyes out. So warning to all...who I will be visiting...I may be saying, "Christ on a Stick!!!" thru-out the day/night this coming wkend. I am not Right in the Head, but doubt I will be back in the Right Mind again.
So...that's my story and I am stickin' to it for the moment.
Merry Part.
PS. If you would like to SEE the conversation he broke it off with me...just msg me and I will share with thee.
Currently listening :
Evil Needs Candy Too
By Ani Kyd
Release date: 2005-07-26
