Tips about the south -
If you are going to live or visit in the South you will need a set of these rules:
1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before
breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you are
going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. The red dirt ... it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color
don't wash your car for a couple weeks - it'll be permanent.
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.
Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little
13-inch trout you fish for ... bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not
up to your ear at the time.
8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order
it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two
pounds of ham and turkey.
9. Tea ... yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet.
You want it hot...set it in the sun. You want it unsweetened. add a lot of water.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We
have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when
it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat
(yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we
go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our
seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take
Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
14. We don't do "hurry up" well.
15. Greens ... yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You
boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.
16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream (pronounced brim) and carp. You
really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't
like it? Interstate 75 goes two ways ... Interstate 10 goes the other two.
Pick one.
18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on
them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want Cream of
Wheat ... go to Kansas. That would be I-40 west.
19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season.
Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, sausage before
daylight at the church on either day.
20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being
friendly. Understand the concept.
21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It
spooks the fish and bothers the gators ... and if you hit it in the
rough,we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not
baseball players.
22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving
like an idiot ... his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.
23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You
park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.
24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No
questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature, all four of
them, enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for
beating up the flag burner.
25. No, we don't care how you do things up North. If it is so great up
there, why not visit a Northern state or stay there? And no, down
here, we don't have an accent, you do!
26. We have a lot more guns than we do television sets, and we LOVE TV!
If you don't like guns, remember the Interstate system works BOTH ways!
27. There are 3 major spectator sports in the south: Football,
NASCAR, and stormy weather!
28. In the south we pull the car over when a funeral procession goes by,
it's called showing respect. And even if you complain about it, we will
still pull our cars over for your funeral, which may be sooner than you think.
29. Those briars you are complaining about scratching your $500 Gucci
shoes aren't weeds, they are blackberry bushes They serve TWO functions,
they produce blackberries for blackberry jam, and they test how
tough your clothing is - we like them!
30. If you don't like any of this, I-95, I-75 North will get you where you belong.
