bigdeepmind's blog: "thy great and powerful blog"

I lost access to my email that let me get in here.. for a really long time.. i think close to a couple years or something.. or... SOMETHING... 

I'm not sure if I'll stay around too much.. the trouble, at least for me... is that this place can be a big time sink.. just to score a conversation with someone.. never mind a good converssation or to really connect or... whatever.... really. This and i don't know if I see people around I had talked to last time around... it's been so long... 

thing decent?

Yeah.. Idk.. I'm over tired.. trying to eat some icream before bed.. but it's slow to defrost enough to be easy to eat.. so here I am..

I'm in a weird mood, I guess? 

I will say that the ice cream + the AC has me feeling a bit cold.

I've been having these feelings of creative breakthroughs.. over the course of the last couple days.. that seeme to start when I started trying to pick up drawing again.. with pencil... I put so much into the artist thing for so many years.. that somehow barely dipping my toe back in.. gave me a profound feeling of, like, reuniting with myself. 

The way it feels is like.. I've been on this long and profound spiritual journey.. a kind of quest. I don't know that I was every exactly conscious of it at the time.. or.. I don't know.. life is weird that way... but it's this way that life can make a lot of sense in hindsight, you know? But it feels like this quest was to bring this other stuff.. to this old self.. sorta.

Like.. as a kid, growing up.. all the way past art school.. I really worked my fucking ass off, in the extreme, to try and develop my artistic abilities as powerfully as I could.. and while I can certainly critique what I did.. I none the less.. did achieve a hell of a lot in this way.. the only problem, basically, is I never exactly tried to create great art.. it was to busy trying to create great ability in me.

Yeah.. well.. the real material for great art.. that was what the spiritual journey was about.. the sorta lived experience to take from... all the fucking struggle.. everything.. 

So now it's time to do the work.. of like integrating.. this old stuff of me with this newer stuff of me.. and see what I can do with it. 

What shall I write about today?

Idk.. On Fu I feel like.. some breed of lurker.. in that I mostly don't interact with anybody... or I mean.. as far as getting as far as a conversation is concerned... notable exceptions come around from time to time... but it's mostly in the few and far between category

I guess... what I'm really doing here is like a meditation...  like to consider the subject of mating or something? It's like a thought on my mind.

What I think is... complicated? You know.. we all live in the modern world and so much of our identities, our way of being.. has to do with the world we are living in.. and I feel like our modern world.. is a little bit crazy... and that seems to me to be a thing that complicates things.. in part because of the way it effects.. how we think.. how we are in the world.. and all the other stuff.

I was listening to... this famous psychologist women from.. I guess another generation back.. talking about.. well she didn't frame it as mating.. but like.. problems, lets say, to do with a well lived life.. and how people get on certain tracks.. that regulate certain aspects of the relationships we find ourselves in... and something to do with how these tracks evolve.. lets say.

And this.. and what a friend was saying about how he is on the subject of women.. and then what a women friend said about certian womens issues stuff... it's been like this whole thought I've been thinking about.. for, maybe, a week or so at this point?

Like... there's some kind of new way of looking at the whole subject that is slowly openning up to me.. BUT.. the important word here is "SLOWLY" like.. glatially slowly.

One of the things I see.. and frankly I've known this to be true forever.. that how I think women look at me.. and how women look at me.. are two totally different things.. that have very little relationship to one another.

I see it in men all the time.. and I even see it in men trying to talk about mate slection science.. whom are them selves scientists... where they kinda imagine that the way women select men... is more or less in line with what our masculine ego's think of ourselves... and all I can say is that this has not been my experience at all... 

My ego, relative to the ladies, doesn't have awesome things to say to me.. OR.... it doesn't when it comes to trying to talk to a stranger.. BUT.. I'm not 100% sure this has anything to do with my thing with the ladies.. in that.. talking to strangers in the first place can be.. funky for me? Well I mean I have a certain amount of social anxiety?

But.. like.. I know I have "qualities" that are on the attractive side such that.. if you get to know me a little... you'll see it.. and that's sorta what I rely on.

I think a part of my issue is that my mom was into sales.. and I have certian traumas around this.. and when if I try and talk to a women, who's a stranger, I feel like I'm in sales... and there's something about trying to sell myself that... I'm not really into? OR.... I don't know.

I'm not into sales so much as the real.. and I don't want to sell anyone anything.. maybe with an exception for.. reality.. and or.. I suppose we are always in the business of selling ourselves.. err.. It's just not, for me, a very sales-e style? 

Idk...  

I'm tired enough that I might just post this as is.. like this.. but I feel like I should follow the ideas forward a little more.. to try and get to something a little more interesting.

There's this wierd set of things I've found myself thinking about women... where I think really.. it's a bit like with women what I'm really trying to do is make friends.. maybe that friends that happen to be lovers or something... 

Like I don't want you to think I'm not flithy or whatever.. and or all pure and.. not given to animalistic instinct or something.. it's just that I don't see this as... not aligned to the friend idea... 

I suppose this eventually gets into some kinda bigger conversation that.. I feel too tired really dig into at the moment.. that has something to do with, something like, a war between the sexes so to speak.. this sense that there's a world between us to try and bridge.. and why not try to bridge it.. but I'm saying.. there's always a way to try and bridge it where... I think.. you don't entirely have to sacrifice the animal.. or the friend.. 

Or I mean thats a thing I aim at anyway?

I don't know.. I really am tired though... err, wonder what I should name this?

I keep thinking I'll write some more... I guess I'm just not entirely sure what i should write here?

There's a part of me that thinks naughtyness is the right thing.. but it's almost as if.. I'm not 100% sure how to properly embody that in writing.. It's almost like.. I do this very rational thing where.. I keep the naughtyness at an arms distance.. so as to maintain a certain clear headedness.. and maybe it's about my retreating to the clearheadedness OR... 

Well ok.. maybe this will be a very intimate post then.. one where I share intimate things with you... should you be interested.

I have a lot of trauma in my childhood.. AND.. by the time I got around to.. checking out the ladies.. I had already been deeply traumatized by social rejection all over the place.. so it was expotentially more challenging for me to put myself out there.. with the ladies.. and it's something that.. to this day.. I'm challenged by.. how to properly put myself out there.

So the question is "err, how do I overcome this problem?"

I suppose.. the idea would be to develop.. a kind of strategy... or game plan... on that manages that.. increased sense of risk.. the trauma gives me.. 

I had this odd expereince of talking to this women.. yesterday.. just online. She was someone whom I had been crazy attracted to but might have been a little out of my league. I mean.. I get the vibe she comes from money... when I first met her she was an undergraduate at Harvard.. and somehow I got to helping her with her PhD... in psychology.. 

She was very cool.. when I did express my feelings to her.. like.. idk.. I guess it was a couple years ago.. I haven't talked to her too much since. But I mean I was just concerned with the trauma risk part of it.. and she was uber awesome about that.. and oddly interesting in terms of.. her boundaries? I don't know.. but I mean... 

I don't know that I'd say she entirely rejected me.. more "it was complicated." AND EVEN THEN... err.. it's complicated?

I wonder if i can explain this?

Some months ago I had an encounter with a women from... my past. Someone I had something with in college. I had a couple recent encounters with her... at one, while getting a bit drunk.. I confessed how I was still in love with her.. that I had been before and whatever... 

NOW.. to get at the complexity...  

SO... Even as I'm expressing this to her.. it's not exactly like I want to get with her... Her life is a little bit of a mess.. my life.. yeah, a mess too..  so I mean we have that in common but like.. I don't want to get involved in anything that's not going to be healthy, is one way I might put it.. and I'm not 100% sure... she would be healthy for me. 

NOW... I could just take my time.. getting to know her again... and only moving forward in the direction of her.. when it felt right to me.. and maybe over time... and or maybe we build a friendship and via that... 

Like I don't know... I just know I fell in love with her all those years ago and those feelings are still in me.. and they caught me crazy off guard when I went to meet her after not talking to her for like.. I don't know.. 20 years? It's almost like you're meeting a stranger.. you find her attractive.. so you know, might be interested on that level.. and then "Holy FUCK!" you're hit with the realization that you're in love with her.. this person that's sorta a stranger.. like how am I supposed to handle this?

Yeah.. I didn't know.

So when I tried to tell her while we were getting drunk... that was one approach to starting the conversation?

It wasn't much of a conversation.. she said something about.. I don't know.. like it wasn't the right time?

Like look at what I said.. about the problems I felt about getting involved with her.. like it's entirely possible that I'm entirely on the same page with her... about not nessisarally wanting to get involved.. or... do you see what i mean?

So that's what I mean about it being complicated.. is that REALLY a rejection? I mean sure.. if I wasn't viewing it the way I was viewing it.. but from where I was viewing it.. there would probably need to be more communication around the subject to really know.

In any event.. I mean I've only seen her a couple of times now.. where we hung out most of the day both times but....  

Yeah.. but I mean what I'm really interested with her is friendship because.. it's like someone from my past.. in a very particular way.. and I just need more friends.. better friends.. more ties.. I need to build a world around me that.. has a postive thing going on for it.. like that's where I'm at.

If women X or Y.. like I don't want to be with a women who's not right for me.. maybe an exception for a casual encounters or something.. but even then you want someone who's at least right for the causual encounter, right?

OK.. so the women I was talking to yesterday.. if only slightly. 

I think I want to get back with her tribe.. is one way I woul put it. She, also, recently got married.. THOUGH.. you know.. she is polyamorous so.. as I say.. her boundaries are interesting? But I figure she's a good friend to have... or she might be? I'm willing to take the risk on her... 

Right.. and I guess this speaks to how I often feel with women.. where I don't want to get involved in the thing that isn't right for me.. and yet I want to jump in without bothering to worry about where I'm jumping.

I suppose we all feel that way?

But I THINK.. my trauma around rejection.. has created a situation where I haven't jumped in enough times, without looking, to learn from it.. and so it's like I'm missing that learning...  

And I suppose this is effecting my want to get naughty here?

Ok.. let me just try and think this through a little / talk this through a little.

Lets say.. I talk naughty.. and it totally turns you on... Err, what are you going to do? Like.. you might say high.. and it's not like I'd be in anyway put off if you were a little.. inappropriate in how you approached me.. hell.. that actually sounds nice.. so like.. my shyness about getting naughty.. what tf am I worried about? AM I?

It's like a reflexive feeling though, I think... like I don't think it's really thinking per say... and the reflex isn't without a certain wisdom?

Yeah.. I don't know.

Should I get naughty? 

It feels wierd, now, after telling you all this... and it's a weird.. thing to jump from one mood to the next.

I THINK.. the problem is.. if I were to get naughty.. I'd have to put down my defence of clarity of thought.. and try and trust instincts.. I haven't had enough time to get to know.. in someways anyway....

I don't know... I've been thinking about the game plan.. like since I wrote about saying I should develop one.

Like.. I think I should... someone how.. just find a way to have adventures... getting to know people.. and not get too serious about anything until I'm really caught by... whatever catches you, right?

I find myself thinking back to past relationships.

There was this women.. I would have to drive 2 hours to see her. I met her in my wild period.. and she's been one of my regrets.. though.. I don't REALLY know how I think about it.. like maybe I doged a bullet?

My biggest problem with her was... well.. really it was how hot she was. Not only was she hot.. but sexually? OMG.. I mean she opened me to things I didn't know about. I wasn't prepared for a women like that! At the time.. I thought I could really only go 3 or 4 rounds in a day... with her... it was litterally all day with breaks for meals. 

But I mean.. it was basically just sex.. which, you know, was great.. I'm so thankful that I got to have such an exciting erotic adventure in my life... the trouble was... we didn't have the rest of the relatioship.. and I was pretty sure I was entirely blinded by how good the sex was.. BUT.. in reflecting on her I can see the other beauties in her.... 

I guess.. I don't know.. it was so mysterious.

So.. when I first met her.. before we met she told me she was ugly.. and not to be dissapointed. We had talked erotically online.. but I had no idea what she looked like.

I think I knew she wasn't white.. and this at a more racist point in American history then our present one.. but when I saw her she was like of the hottest women I had ever known? Like how could she have thought she was ugly? Mysteriously it was as if she thought I was a good catch.. She introduced me to a couple of her friends and it was as if she was bragging about having me.

When it ended... It felt like.. well I wish it hadn't... I wish we had found a way... but it was like some... schism.. of expectations.. I don't even know what happened in the end... 

I had TRIED.. to extend our relationship past the bedroom.. 

I wanted to show her some places that were special to me. The thing was it was 2 hours to drive to see her.. we did whatever.. then it would be 2 hours to drive to said special place.. 2 hours back to where she's at.. and then 2 hours to drive back home.. and when we got to said special place she wasn't interested.. and this was like my effort to share some more parts of myself with her.. and all the fucking driving... it was a horror show for me.

Now.. latter she would appologize for this.. and some of the other stuff that was annoying me.. an in hindsight I see it as just immaturity on her part.. we were both young at the time... but still.. if we had broadend our relationship a little.. it might have worked out.

The fight that eventually ended it...  ehh.. I'm leaving out a lot of the details... it certainly wasn't all her fault.. but it's heart breaking to think about sometimes.. because maybe we were right for each other.. and if only she had held on a little longer.. enough to see...  but under the circumstances I don't judge her.. though.. it wasn't awesome the way it ended.. she ghosted me.. but I get it....

Yeah... but that would be my erotic high point.. and eventually.. my love life became a barron wastland for a whole number of years.. and when it wasnt... the people I got involved with sucked.. worse then I was capable of understanding... till it was too late.

Happy thoughts?

Ok.. how might I wrap this up.. what was my point in talking about her?

I don't know.

These days.. I'm very mystified by women.

Like.. I've had the experience in the last couple days "wait, are these women vibing on me or something?" Like strangers... that live around where I live.. that I might see at a distance.. it's as if there were a way courtship could happen at a distance.. and maybe it is.. and I'm just to slow to pick up on it. If this is the case.. it is totally mysterious.

It helped that I recently started waring my glasses a little more.. otherwise things get blurry far away.. and I don't catch little details.. which are the details that would be involved in these kinds of interactions.. if you can even call them intereactions.

It's like your eyes.. you're not always exhurting all that much influence on them.. like they have a mind of there own.. and I find my eyes.. doing things where I'm like "I'm not sure you should be doing this." Eventually.. recently.. I've come to new ways of thinking about attraction.

There's a variety of women in my world.. who I do have varying levels of attraciton to.. some of which.. yeah, I don't know that I would want to get involved with per say.. but there's still that attraction there somewhere.. and then I get hit by these weird moments "wait a minute.. was she kinda into me in that last thing?" 

Sometimes this happens in places where it might not be appropriate.. or I mean.. a relationship wouldn't. There's one such women in my world.. I think very highly of her.. I like her very much.. it would be an ethical problem... for us to cross a line.. we don't get anywhere near the line.. enough to even be aware that such a line exists.. but I do notice my feelings of attraciton from time to time.. but it's all this very sublimated thing... and that's very intersted to me.... 

Like it's interesting to me.. this spectrum of.. attractions I can feel.. to women.. and shared moments... without it being a thing. These little things are enough to hold me over till I get a proper thing... still.. it would be nice to have wild erotic adventures in here every now and then.. that's, I think, the thing I must be working on.. or one of them...

I got some schemes.....   

Yeah.. maybe that's good enough...

Maybe that's something I feel on Fu too.. looking at these crazy attractive women.. and the spectrum... and those occasional interactions.... idk...  but I think the key to the problem is around here somewhere?

I'm having a meta moment.. by which I mean.. I'm sorta looking at myself, trying to make sense of myself... and seeing "yeah, no, I don't think I'm like the others?"

I'm looking at my relationships with women. I sorta don't feel like there's a lot of spaces I can totally safely talk about this subject in any depth.. and.. this seems like an ok space for it.. so.. yeah, lets do this.

One of the things I've observed is that.. online... there's women around me? It's not, at least as far as I know, any kind of romatic or sexual thing.. though sometime there are vibes.. but i mean mostly it doesn't feel that way.. but just that there are these women around me.. that i don't actually interact with all that much.. but it's like.. they're just "my supporters?" 

In my away from the computer life.. it's kinda like that too.. like it's a feeling that there's women around me for who... are maybe just routing for me? 

If you're a women.. and we have a thing.. you MIGHT think there's a shit ton of competition.. on account of this strange phenomonon.. but it's not like that really.

My last girlfriend was.. well really kind of a preditor.. and was jealous of the women around me.. and she ended up interacting with an x girlfriend of mine.. from, like.. I don't know.. more then 20 years ago. When I say she's kinda like an x girl friend.. we might have been a thing for a month.. but what was crazy was the way this x of mine was protective of me. She's married.. has kids.. I'm not intending to be a home wrecker to her family or anything.. but she'll still tell me she loves me.. that she's in love with me.

AND, frankly.. I've been through some hard times and it was crazy the number of women.. I had in one way or another been with in the past.. coming out of the woodwork.. being supportive of me. Like the first girl I was ever sorta involved with.. from 8th grade.. or the women who might have been my first girl friend but turned out to be a lesiban.. so like.. probably not the ideal match for me.

But I mean.. they are all showing me parts of myself that I had forgotten about.

And even now... like in my more recent history... there's what seems to go on with women in... sorta like mating-esk contexts?

I say mating-esk because.. when was the last time I had a date? There is no mating anything going on for me.. I've been attending to other areas of my life... but there's just kinda how I am?

So like.. on an erotic kinda level.. like this can be the thing that totally takes over.. driving my mate selection.. but it's never like.. the erotic exists in some kind of silo for me.. or that it's not connected to the rest of me.. and so how the rest of me feels effects the erotic.. and it's sorta about this question of what can you give yourself too, I guess?

That sounds like such an un male thing to say... as if as a male you're not supposed to give but instead take? I don't know.. I don't understand what normal people think about gender rolls.. 

Well maybe here's what I would say.. if you want to have an incredible erotic experience.. like I think you have to give yourself to it.. like it can't just be some kinda status quo thing.. and for that.. there needs to be more then the erotic? BUT, I mean.. the erotic is the rest of you too? It's like the compartments and categories we put stuff into.. isn't alway helpful for understanding certain things?

But I mean it's like.. how mindful are you of building relationships? 

Like.. by default.. I feel it's important to build relationships where there's space for you to be you.. whatever the TF you is.

A key part of it is "whatever TF you is"... what I mean is what we are are these "becoming" creatures.. we are alway transforming, evolving, changing.. .we are always more then our ideas of our selves.. more then other people's ideas of our selves.. it's all a giant mystery.. and why not try and be open to... the positive that might be anywhere.. along the paths.. as they unfold for us?

I'm not sure if I'm driving at this well.

I also think.. for me.. around love and the erotics there's this kind of sacred feeling I have.. I don't know if this isn't because "err, this is where babies come from?" Like this aspect of human sexuality confuses me a little? Like.. we have so much reliable controception then.. one can forget.

But I mean.. it is to leave space for possible becoming... 

I think with romantic love.. there's this idea of romantic love as something that can lead you to unmet parts of your own soul.. and I feel it as if there is this kind of love quest... that's one of the quests you can take in life... 

ERrr... I feel like I need to say something dark?

I think.. there's something in human struggle... I think the plight of modern people is like... there are ways where life has become too easy.. like we don't have enough stuggle.. and then ways where there's probably too much struggle.. that the sorta makes our struggle.. something we aren't well fitted too.. in the same way that.. if you go back a few thousand years in history.. we were evolutionary fitted.. a whole lot better.. to the struggles of life..

So I see this as sorta like.. a part of a uniquely modern challenge of being a human.. 

So this love quest... it's a if... because of the nature of our unfittedness to modern struggles and lack there of.. that we are more likely to miss out on.. the great quests.. in some sense.

I mean it might be that most humans, throughout history, never went on great quests.. it might be that I'm romanticizing the past in someway... but I none the less think it helps clarify the modern problem.. 

Ehh.. I'm feeling like I should post this.. and get on with whatever else I need to be getting on with in my day... without really finishing my thought or bringing it to a really interesting conclution.. I guess it just is what it is?

Maybe I'll just write more random stuff?

I feel like I should write something erotic.. given the site.. and the whatever.. 

Well, I mean, it would be a hoot to turn you on? 

Alas I'm in some kinda shy mood today... a kinda not ready to put myself out there too much.. kinda mood today... a happy that I at least have a cup of coffee kinda mood... 

Ehh.. what should I talk about? 

My recent conversational obsessions have been.. Russia / Ukraine geo political whatevers.. err... I'm not sure what else.. there's always a list of things.. yeah... so if you want to hear me yap about that.. be sure to hit me up? 

I FEEL LIKE.. some sorta random thing where I "talk about the ladies" or.. some sorta relationship themed thing.. might be better?

Ok, I'll run with that idea.

SO.. I guess I'm coming from a fairly sex postive point of view... It's like I like a certian amount of wildness form just an aesthetic point of view.. or maybe an existential point of view.. from the point of view that life should be lead a little wildly.. THOUGH.. a certain amount of wild can be not healthy and all of that.. sure... but I still ache for the wild.. for a space for that.. in my life.. and I refuse to repent from it... 

Of course the sad fact is that I tend to be wilder in my imagination then in practice.. but just in terms of.. relating to women.. when it's.. a looking for something thing.. a women who's ill disposed to the wild.. if only in a sentiment.. it's a little bit of a red flag for me.

I think.. in life there's so much stuff that.. wants you to behave a certain way.. and why, for what? Like conforming to things.. doesn't feed me spiritually... I think that's the main thing for me... that spiritually.. I need to remain wild... to love wild.. to whatever wild...  

Yeah.. but it often feels like the world around me isn't entirely up for the wild.. or like the wild somehow disturbes things.. folks don't want you dance on their lawn, I guess?

Yeah.. I don't know.. I'm pretty much just typing the random thoughts that come to my brain.. as they come to my brain.. and.. I confess they don't seem that exciting? AND LIKE.. I don't want to... not be worth your attention? I mean if you read this and get bored.. that's a sin... of some kind.

This is making me think I should go full on erotic.. because.. then, whatever it is, it probably won't be boring.. I mean unless it's the wrong kind of kink for you, or something?

Hmmmm....

I really am on the edge of... maybe going down that path? I feel like such a tease?

I've had this thought.. I'm working on these art / music projects.. and I'm debating going down erotic paths in that.. so it might be worth exploring it here...

To make this kind of work effective.. as the artist.. you really need to feel it.. to convey the feeling.

For me.. the most erotic thing in the world.. is like... idk how this will come off.. or land for you.. but it's like a women who can own me sexually.

I think I used to think tihs some kind of submisive instinct in me.. but I think it's like.. "yeah, no, I want a women who can have that kind of power over me?" Like I'm yours cause I can't not be yours.. kinda deal.. like does that not seem compatible with romantic love.. our highest ideals there of.. or is the law of the land to settle for not lived.. lives?

So I like to try and be honest? 

Do you know what I mean? Like in some circles.. a guy thinking with his penis.. is not well thought of.. I feel like "err, i should be able to think with all parts of me.. regardless of the part?" That doesn't mean I want to reduce everything down to sex in some kind of way where it's "just sex." But if sex wants to be everything, why can't it be? I mean whatever the moment is you're living.. why can't that moment be in eternity? 

I think we just have crazy pathologies around sex.. that this is the problem.. and folks have grown weak in such a way.. that they think the answer is to live less.. I say screw that.

Yeah.. but I guess only in my imagination because my lived life.. is so boring these days.

I don't know.. I think I'm in some kinda wierd bored / lonely mood thing.. hoping for some kinda social interaction somewhere.. and so came back around these parts but.. to have an actual conversation around here.. its like a lot of work with a fair amount of rejection built in.. that somehow leads me into a worse place then where I started from... and I kinda remember that feeling?

It's also the case that folks I used to be given to talking to.. I don't really see around.. OR.. idk... 

But that's the thing.. the canyon between.. not talking to anyone and.. having conversations.. and I'm not sure I'm motivated enough to try and cross the canyon.. 

There was a time when I really liked this site... when dinnoasours still walked the earth, I guess?

Ehh.. I guess I'm just in a mood.

I just had a wierd urge to.. sorta flirt.. with a lesbian? Yeah, you know.. I get the idea that I'm "not likely to get anywhere." but then.. its sorta not about that... the subtext was more about wanting to be encouraging and give confidence.. and do so in an entertianing way that... reads like flirting... but isn't really at all about trying to get with someone.

It was just a strange impulse... and i'm all about the stange impulses

True story.. one of my best / oldest friends in life is a lesbian... well, to be fair she was my first girl friend.. sorta.. I was half a cover for her and then there was something more there.. SORTA? It's hard to explain.. I suppose that's about as close to experimenting with homosexuality as I've done? There was also that time I temporarally stole her gf? 

Back in.. maybe the end of the 80s, early 90s.. I'd find myself at different groups that were like.. support groups sorta.. for folks of the non-hetero variety. Homosphobia was way more crazy at the time then it is now.. and especially in small towns it was wayyyyy easy to be issolated and just feel like you were this weird freak...  and so somehow I was almost like the mascot for all these lesbian girls.. and gay guys too.

I was the freekishly not homophobic straight guy that boggled there brain.. 

Like.. you have to understand the nature of homophobia.. that if you're gay... you tend to internalize it.. but like.. I hadn't internalized it.. so I was this wierdly supportive dude that was like.. arguing with them.. talking about how much bullshit the homophobic ideas they were still carrying with them were....  

I, weirdly, did a sex resarch paper in high school... (before I knew said friend was a lesbian) I read the sex science of the time... and got all the way into Freud.. and then onto Jung.. like if you've ever seen the movie Kinsey.. or the Master's and Johnson's TV series.. I had read their stuff... I would bring the Satanic Bible to school and preach gay rights.. really as an effort to sorta debate moral philosophy.. basically. 

Like I would just debate with everybody.. in the school it was not at all socially acceptible to not be homophobic.. and I was just doing this sorta socratic style debate..  like if you think it's wrong.. why is it wrong? The thing was.. NOBODY KNEW WHY THEY THOUGHT IT!... 

It's now 30 years latter.. and it feels like the world is still trying to catch up.. to wherever I was in high school. 

I had a real militant streak in me about it... and really wanted to fight for the cause.. Like I totally get that it's not my cause... in that I'm not in that boat.. but you know.. even then I knew I had some kinky sensibilities... and I felt like there was nothing wrong with that.. but the world wasn't ready.. and so it kinda was just like I wanted to fight for a more healthy kind of sexuality.

The world today is a little weird... Like I don't totally dig.. some of the way people are talking about it politially... on both the left and the right.. 

The problem here is mostly that folks on the left and the right don't know how to talk to one another.. and they have a tendency to imagine that the other side is the devil... and it's not totally like that... and we need to find ways to have love for the bad guys.. is basically the way I would put it. You know.. that's sorta like the Martin Luther King or Gandhi school of social change.

AND.. the other part of it is.. it really needs to be grass roots.. or come from the grass roots.. because another problem we have is in the inequality.. so it can be like elites, on the left and the right, telling everybody what to do.. and basically tryring to recruite batteries for there adventures in power aquisition... and that's not how you do it.. it can't be all top down.. it has to be something of a ballance between that and bottom up.. and I don't think there's enough of the bottom up.

AND.. I think we need a quality of moral leadership.... Saying the word moral can be a little difficult.. cause sometimes certain religious things come to mind.. and we think of the small minded, the hyporctics.. folks who are a little rule crazy... and I think in rejecting all that.. while that seems right to me.. there might have been a baby in the bath water... that got lost.. and we've fallen into this kind of nihlism about things.. that I think is an issue.

Besides that.. religions did provide humans with a lot of things.. things, lets say, to think about when it comes to how we should maybe live our lives.. and we no longer have those things... we have to figure it all out for our selves.. and the problem is how hard this actually is... 

Err.. yeah.. so that's some thoughts, I guess?

My life is in crisis, as is my mental health.. I just had a bit of a break down.. 

In a slightly bigger picture, if it is a bigger picture.. err, well at least in a different frame around here somewhere.. I have this idea that I am to be creating music that's like a confession of my inward sorta existential struggle... and so.. when things went dark.. I quickly developed this musical idea and in very short order found myself recording these rather simple guitar parts and then a vocal part... 

I'm not much of a singer.. like I don't know how.. but I do have some awareness of pitch.. but mainly I wanted to try and capture the emotion.. the feeling...  and I did.

It was a very minimalist idea.. an idea of a sentence being repeated over and over gain.. with the idea that the meaning would shift based on whatever was in my head or something.. in the difference performance naunced of everytime you say the words.. and the song structure was one where the verse is one sentence and the chorus the other sentence.. reapting endlessly.. or at least that was the idea to start with.. 

The thing is... you get the feeling, listening to it, that I'm about to snap.. in some kind of psycho way.. along the lines of something you never saw before in your life.. like here comes the monster style.. it has this kinda intense scary feel to it.. which is wierd for minimalist music.. like usually minimalist music is fairly ambient.. like background noise.. or it can be background noise or you can focus on it.. and over all it had the feeling of a roller coaster and we are going up...  which leaves me with the idea that I have to do the fall part.. and what's going to happen there?

I somewhat have the feeling that my sense of the intensity has to do with.. whenever I do something creatively.. that's like different from anything I've done previously.. it's can be this sorta intense thing in terms of how I experience it.. like the excitement of this new thing in my work.. and all of that.. and it might be that it's something a little different from my perception... I'm sure.. well there's the issue of the flaws of the vocal performance or whatever... 

Of course.. I'll do more with it.. and hopefully find a way to make it work.

It has this quality that's like.. the quality of.. it sounds like not professional... like someone who has never done anything like this.. decides one day he's going to try and do something like this.. and this is what it is... kinda deal...  and... I'm not 100% sure that I don't like that as a quality.

I should say that i do know what I'm doing.. well maybe not as a singer but otherwise.. but.. 

Ok.. so I have mad skills as a producer and guitar player, lets say... but those skills tend to always be expressed in this highly "optimized" way.. like things that are technically virtuosic.. that are a ton of work... where it takes forever to get anything done.. and you're always aiming for the stars.. and all this sorta thing... and there's just something very cool about going in this other direction... and a feeling like.. maybe I should do more of it.. like what if I got better at going in this other direciton.. maybe I'd, in a way, have more creative freedom.. just because it wouldn't be so expensive in terms of the amount of time spent.. energy spent.. and all the rest of it... to create something.

Of course.. it's not done.. and it's likely that to finish it will require a ton of time and energy and whatever.. so maybe the point has more to do with the this way of working where the initial exploration of the idea doesn't involve so much work.

Also.. there's something funny to the idea.. at least in my head.. of making primative music.. the sorta expectations that sets.. and then to suddenly come out with this antiethetical thing.. where you can't even imagine it was made by the same person.. 

I don't know.. you know maybe this is just a mental health song.. like something you do to process what you're going through...   

ehh.. but i'll no doubt mention here when I get something going... or do something or whatever.