well i said i was going to keep a daily journal of how i did with chantix... lol that lasted 2 days.
anyway now i'm on my third week of the medicine, and i haven't smoked since friday before last. so this coming friday will be 2 weeks smoke free. unfortunately the way my finances are right now (and unfortunately the way they are going to be for a while) i really have no way of celebrating milestones... i can look at my counter and go ooh lookie 2 weeks smoke free and i dunno, eat a cookie... cept i can't afford them...
so the not smoking is going well. i have to say today is the first day in a good solid 2 weeks that i've felt good enough to write or talk about anything. and i missed my therapist appt this morning (she cancelled not me) so here ya go.
it started about 2 1/2 weeks ago on the weekend, i was feeling down-- and by down i mean not eating, not getting out of bed, staring at the wall, crying--and it lasted for a good two days. then i had to go to a dentist appt because my tooth had been hurting so bad i couldn't eat with that side of the mouth (not that i was eating much anyway) and i got up and went, not thinking twice about the fact that i hadn't showered in 3 days, i was driving with tears streaming down my face, talking to the dentist through sobs. anywya he ground down my fillings and said that should relieve sxome of the pressure, if it still hurts in a few days you need a root canal. well in 3 days it hurt worse then ever so we made an appt.
later that day my mom said since i was crying so bad she didnt want me to be alone so she took me out to starbucks, and of course i cried into my starbucks... sigh. anyway we talked a little about the breakup which happened yes, a month ago and yes, i'm still working on getting over and not being very successful at that. and then she asked me what was this "thing" that had been bothering me so bad it ruined my life and i just could not move on and let's get it out in the open once and for all.
so. i told her my secret. i was weak, i was vulnerable, i was anything but ready to tell her. but i did.
and i won't say what it is here because i 1/ havent processed it enough 2/ i'm afraid you'll react with too much sympathy 3/ i'm afraid you won't understand why it ruined my life. so while no longer a secret from my mother, it remains a secret for the time being.
so i got to go in and talked the guy into some extra shots of novacaine for fear of feeling them grind out the root (eek) which he gave me... and which i found had a slightly dazed, euphoric spin to it... not that i think it could make it as a street drug but i was feeling pretty damn fine when we left there. and i don't remember any conversations i had immediately afterwards either so that's another sign.
and that;s about when it hit me. absolutely devastating bottom of the barrel could not move or even cry depression. my therapist told me it's common to follow a major disclosure like that with a deep depression, that in fact it was a retraumatization, that my reaction was perfectly normal, and that the best way to combat it was by doing things as if i were not depressed. yeah well call that impossible. fortunately for me i spent 4 or 5 days doped up on vicoden from the really unbearable pain of the root canal-- i dont know how it hurts after they remove the nerve, but it hurts like a fucking bitch--and laying on the couch staring at the tv eating jello.
well my recovery feels like it has been long and painful, but i'm noticing that each day seems to go a little better than the last, and i'm hoping that's a trend that keeps up wil i feel normal again.
i have a bunch of other crap to say but i'm tired of typing....
