Kendra cherry bomb me's blog: "Things that run thru my head"

So this is something I wrote 6 months ago too bad I didn't share it then I could have saved myself an additional 6 months of suffering and hope if I had.

BRAVE

I'm brave in the middle of the night.
In front of a keyboard knowing what's right.
I'm brave in the middle of the night.
I know what I deserve and when actions aren't right.
I'm brave in the middle of the night.
The words overwhelm my mind and flow out from beneath my finger tips
when I'm brave in the middle of the night.

I spend the day thinking of what I feel and why.
Afraid of the consequences of the words running in my mind.
In the day the thought of losing you tears me apart inside.
Tears form and my chest grows tight.
I know things must be said and I hope I will be heard.
But I'm afraid of what you'll say and I'm afraid of what you'll do.

You said "I'll only push so far" I guess it's time to say "Me too"

And now it's night and I'm brave in the middle of the night.

~me

Okay so maybe it's not bravery so much as being resigned to the fact that things can't continue in the current vein. Still for a short time I'm going to claim to be brave. I hate to lose someone and will fight to keep them in my life but if honest feelings cause them to leave it is what it is.

Adding because it fits:
Love is a gift that can't be forced or bought only nurtured or neglected. As much as we love someone, we may at time realize we need to step back to be healthy (either for them or ourselves). Loving someone doesn't mean you have to be with them, merely that you need to weigh your and their feelings against the healthiest, best actions for everyone effected.

Have faith but reserve judgement.

FBI JOB OPENING...

in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun
is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the
chair."

MORAL:
Women are evil.
Don't mess with them

 Promises

these thoughts are from Feb

A promise is a commitment.  When you keep promises and / or even just remember and acknowledge you are breaking a promise to someone; you tell that person that not only are you a person of your word who values your commitments but that the person you made the promise to is important enough for you to remember your promise.

How much is your word worth?

How much are you worth if your word is worthless? 

I don’t ask to always be at the top of your priority list, because I can promise you that you will not always be at the top of mine.  It is hubris to think that you should always be at the top of someone’s priority list and not healthy for either party.  That said if you tell me I’m a priority in your life, your actions need to prove it.  As a champion talker I will affirm actions speak truer then words.  It is a fallacy when people say they speak louder, because they are often quieter. Indeed you have to pay attention to someone in order to read their actions, they are rarely loud things. Large loud actions/ gestures often appear to me to be more for the greater audience then the receiver to show the generosity/ kindness of the giver.  The most important actions are often the small ones: a gentle touch or taking a moment to send a quiet word that shows I love you, I value you, I cherish you.  A consistent action small or large speaks truer then all the words thrown in excuse or defense of the action.  A consistent action speaks more of what to expect on a regular basis then the occasional and rare action which attempts to make up for neglectful practices.

More words that I've heard.  I love you, you’re wonderful, you’re amazing, you’re beautiful, you’re gorgeous, you’re kind, you're the best thing that ever happened to me, I'm so lucky to have you in my life.  I've heard thes words before and often.  They are sweet to hear but hollow without corresponding actions and/ or gestures.  After years of hearing such words from the people in my life who didn't match actions to them, I have far less faith in these kind of words then I do in the actions and gestures.  Part of this is also because I know too well how a well chosen word or phrase can shape someone’s thoughts.

A small bitter poem I wrote Feb that is appropriate to the topic.

I couldn't fall asleep because you did not call

you say you just passed out.  Is this true at all?

Or just another case of last priority my friend?

Am I just a toy only here when you wish for joy?

You say that I’m important in what way does this show?

Is it in the magic way that I make your cock GROW?

I have to say, my dear, this ain't a special power

it seems, my dearest, I hear people claim this every hour.

A few new thoughts from this week.

I’m okay with examining my dead horses, they remind me of why I let the horses die.

What happens to love when a promise is broken: Each time you forget or neglect to do the things promised a little piece of my heart breaks away and a little piece of my love for you dies.  The piece could be revived and reconnected if you also did sweet gestures and thoughtful things but lately those are missing and if there are not pieces to be revived then a new piece grows.

Love no matter if for a mate, a child, a sibling, or a friend is a fluid thing.  And the actions we take and fail to take cause that love to wither or grow in a cycle.  Constant growth would be unlikely and unreasonable to expect the withering can act at times as a healthy pruning action making sure that the love doesn't over shadow all other loves in your life.  Some start out bigger, others small but it is in how you nuture them that determines the size each day.   Some negative actions are not withering but severing and you don't want to take too large a chunk out so have care and prune carefully.  Remember some withering or even severing may be allowable and may be even preferable, but negative actions compound and each small bit of neglect or meanness causes the next such action to leave a bigger wound.  All healed wounds leave a scar and a trace and too much harm to in an area can make that portion of the love die beyond any attempts to revive.  Yes, the love can continue to grow but now there is that wound always present forever.  

After many wounds and few healing actions you must ask yourself... "am I still in love or have I just neglected to let go the memory of my love?"  It is hard to say "This love is dead." when you look inside you cannot bear to face the truth and mourn the passing of the promise.     But each death clears away the chaff in your life and heart and allows more love to take root.

Because I ended the prior part as I did I feel the need to add something I tell my oldest boy when he is struggling with the quandary of who should he love as his parents (Me, his dad, and/ or his step-mom).  The heart is a wonderful thing and each time you add a new person to love in your life it gets bigger.  And then all three of his parents tell him that we think it is wonderful that he loves all off us. 

No one should ever tell someone they need to stop loving someone to focus on or give that love to another person.   Love is a gift that can't be forced or bought only nurtured or neglected.  As much as we love someone, we may at time realize we need to step back to be healthy (either for them or ourselves).  Loving someone doesn't mean you have to be with them, merely that you need to weigh your and their feelings against the healthiest, best actions for everyone effected.

Have faith but reserve judgement.

Understand the consequences of your actions, but don't let fear of them keep you from taking the right action.

Love, light and lollipops my friends.

I have actually never had a pick up line used on me... I honestly thought they were a myth right up until college when I had a friend come up to me excited about this great line a guy used on her.  The line...

Do you wash your jeans in windex?  Because I can see myself in them. 

There I was stunned that this drivel actually worked on someone.  But there after I have had a facination for thinking up and hearing bad pick up lines.  Again not that they are ever used on me, because truthfully that is not the approach guys take with me.  Or if they do I don't notice because I snipe back with some cutting line that makes them run home.  But anyway for my amusement here are a few more lines:

• Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
• I miss my teddy bear.  Would you sleep with me?
• Excuse me, I lost my phone number.  Can I have yours?
• Excuse me, I need your phone number to give my friend so he'll know where he can get a hold of me in the morning
• There are two-hundred-and-sixty-five bones in the human body.  How'd you like one more?
• If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
• Let's bypass all the bullshit and just get naked
• You're so beautiful, I'd never kick you out of bed... unless you wanted to do it on the floor
• The word of the day is legs.  Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
• If I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
• My magic watch tells me you're naked- wait maybe it's a few minutes fast
• Do you live on a chicken farm? No? Well you sure know how to raise cocks.
• If I were you, I'd have sex with me.
• Let's do breakfast tomorrow.  Shall I call you or nudge you?
• How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
• That outfit looks good on you... but it would look a lot better on my floor (okay I have heard this from bfs but that's after I was picked up)
• Do you have a map?  Because I keep getting lost in your eyes.
• What do you say we go back to my room and do some math.  Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs and multiply
• There are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to catch and mount back at my place.
• Screw me if I'm wrong, but have we met before?
• I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away
• Are those space pants?  Because your ass is out of this world.
• Wow, you with those curves and me with no brakes.

And along the same lines... snippets of conversations with a friend.

friend: is the social network to get laid off twitter because I recently learned that works

Me:  Did you recently get laid off twitter? Was it by a twit?

another conversation

Me:  Sure take dating advice from me... I'm sure everything will be perfectly okay

Friend:  always bring a backup knife and a pair of handcuffs with some valium?

Me:  Well yes, although some people don't respond well to valium so I like to do an old school back up of chloroform.

If you're not laughing at life, you're missing the joke.  One of my favorite quips... Life, remember no one gets out alive.

to start... one of my favorite quotes

Tis not love's going hurts my days, but that it went in little ways.
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay

That said: the things that bring me down are not often large acts of intent and purpose but the cumulation of gentle neglect and unthought.  Even the largest act of intent and purpose has little tremors, whispering to me "beware, caution, take care" and yet in order to truly live and not merely survive at times I must ignore those tremors at first.  Take some caution yes but also ask myself are these tremors a foreshadow of things to come or merely the aftershocks from prior quakes.  And the worst part is when an innocent is caught in the cross fire.  Forced to deal with pain not of his making even though his actions contributed to the ache.  It has been a week of a thousand little arrows aimed and released making me feel like I'm not worth the effort and that I'm all alone trying to lift the world.  Over the years I have time and again shed burdens that got too heavy slimming down the number I undertake until today I only have myself to care for, although I strive to yet again get to the point where I am the rock in my boys' lives again.  Things you should never have to see/ hear:

• your 3 year old cry at the sound of your voice
• your 9 year old ask is he is ever going to see you again when you send him out of an unpleasant situation
• your child refuse to show that anything bothers him and yet time and again he gets into fights at school
• at a time when you feel the world would be better without you- be "reassured" that the kids are fine without you and any attempts to see them are rebuffed because well you're not "healthy" enough, even though you have never done anything that knowingly placed them in harm's way.

What can I say but... Stop the world I'd like to get off.

And to make matters worse, some days I just don't want to be me.  *sigh* An unrelenting sense of honor and fair play isn't the most comfortable or cuddle friend when all you really want is the sweet release of unending blackness.  But I gave my word and made promises, yes it would be easier if only I didn't have such a problem with breaking it.  *sigh*  But as I first began to live and not just survive years ago I determined that it doesn't matter what others think, say, or do because you can't please everyone.  What matters in the end is your actions and words.  Did I act in a manner consistant with the person I know myself to be?  Did I attempt to act and behave in ways that are consistant with who I am?  If making a big decision; did I take in all factors?  Will I be ashamed to meet my own eyes in the mirror about my actions?  I have often been told that my unbending sense of honor and unwillingness to comprimise about those things most important to me will leave me old and alone.  And yet as much as I hate being alone the idea of changing the very basic elements that make me who I am is abhorent.  Yes, I am working on some aspects of myself but we are all a work in progess and if you are not stretching yourself to be more you are slidding down the slope to being less.  I would rather stand alone with my honor then be a part of a group and steal my heart against shame.  That being said it is rather sad to be stuck in the position of praying and wishing that the morning never dawns because my word doesn't allow me to do anything more then lust wistfully after the sweet release of never.  And then the dawn whispers across my window and I realize that I am still here and my prayer was yet again not answered.  Whispers in the night of "Please, please just stop my heart, stop my brain, stop my breath.  Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to take, Please let me die before I wake."  Held helpless by vows to do anything more then wish as the pain rakes across my body and the thoughts chase across my mind. 

• You're nothing
• I'm too needy, it's unreasonable and unfair to expect anyone to deal with this
• I only hurt people who get close to me
• If only I were dead they could grieve, get over it, and get on with their lives without the constant drama of me
• At the end of the day it's been proved time and again that I'm not worth people trying for
• If I don't make the effort, then it doesn't get made.
• I'm tired of hurting
• I'm tired of trying
• I'm tired of fucking up

Each day I live with the pain of being me knowing that no matter what I do it's not right.  If I ask for help and consideration I'm being needy and unreasonable.  If I do things on my own I'm being too stubborn and unreasonable.  If I get down on my knees and beg I get told that I'm being overly dramatic and needy and trying to guilt people into doing things and because of these things no help is given.  If I struggle on my own and try to keep ahead of things but slowly and surely fall under as I weary from treading water I get told I'm just needed to learn to unbend and ask for help, because it would have been given.