drogar's blog: "Therapist's Couch"

Just one beer after work. After all, I've been waiting all week for this. And I've had a week from hell. Even if today wasn't so bad.

Hey, Cory came back! At least I'll have someone I know to sit next to. But J&J aren't here. Joe's not either. No one else from work. On the other hand, Cory's being great company. Bought me a beer. I'll get the next one. Hmm, bartenders almost make me wish I was straight. Especially the way she walks. What's that line from the song? "Her walk is the motion of the waves?" Something like that. Really nice tattoo on the other one. Wonder what the meaning of it is?

Mmm, he's here. Granted, he's probably hopelessly straight, but damn, such a hot guy. Not to mention he's your friend's brother. Such a body. Nice tight sweater, nice contours in his jeans. Great face when he smiles. Love watching him sip beer from a bottle. Touching his friends. His hands gliding across their masculine bodies as they touch him. Not such a great shape to his head at that angle, but ah, watch him tip back the bottle. The mouth of it between his lips, his throat taut as he swallows. Accidentally point him out to Cory who promptly goes over and talks with him. Hope he's not mentioning you, but wondering which of the twins it is. Ah, it is the one you're thinking of. Even hotter. Remember when he offered to wrestle that guy in the bar? Too bad that didn't happen.

Damn, never did manage to get Cory's beer. Chris bought him one, then the bartender, and then he had to go. Maybe next time. Did lend him some money for the jukebox though. Might want to switch to something non-alcoholic now. Not only is the hot twin here, but Chris as well. And a few other good-looking guys. Keep drinking and might forget it's not a gay bar and no one really appreciates it when you hit on them.

She's nice. Wonder why she keeps talking to me now that Cory's gone? Probably just habit. But she's funny and the attention's welcome. Distracts from watching him.

Hmm, new bar dice games. 6-5-4. Hmm, and I thought ordinary bar dice was hard. Darn, learned how to play by watching and now they're switching the game. Chase the Ace? Invited, but not going to play until I've watched it a few times. Sounds like it could get vicious. Wow, more vicious than I thought. More and more invitations. Keep turning them down. Hmm, guy playing next to me is kind of cute. Friendly too. Not really my kind of game though. Just fun to watch.

Hmm, getting kind of tired and a lot of the eye candy's left. Time to head home even though the music is good. Music in the car isn't so great. Took a while to get a station with music and then it wasn't synched into me. Not bad songs, just not what I was feeling. Nice to drive around to though. And while driving home from the bar, remember him. Not that he speaks to me anymore, not that I know what's happening in his life, but remember him. Knowing that once again I'm going home alone, but I didn't always.

Play some chess, see if anything's happened on that site (mildly interesting generator and at least my result isn't too lame even if I can't remember the character), and then write this. Just want to remember the night...

I remember how it all started. And now, it appears to be ending. I remember the first time we met. Wondering just what you wanted of me. Never quite getting an answer, but always feeling calm despite my nerves. Dreading the day I knew would come, but making plans like it wouldn't. I remember many a questioning by my friends. Especially once I asked them for favors so we could be together more. The speculations, the insinuations, the questions I never knew the answer and likely never will. I knew only I enjoyed your presence and I was willing to let you set the limits. I wanted you to be happy. And now, you are. I remember the time the limits were breached. Wondering if I had gone too far. Wondering if you were like my history. Wondering if you too; would leave me. You did. But not then. You smiled at my fears and told me not to worry. It did affect you and I felt the first cold winds of fall blowing. The summer died and dried, but we carried on. I remember the time together. The laughs, making you wonder what I wanted while I wondered what you wanted. I remember making you happy. It never seemed enough. The smile never reached past your eyes to your soul. And now, the memory is all I have. My curse, my salvation. The thorn I cling to desperately so I don't fall into the abyss below. As a friend said the first time I mentioned you, you used me. Which hurt, but not as much as that you don't need to use me anymore. True, you've said your future isn't as certain as it should be. Your happiness has a few major bumps. And while I'm praying you don't fall from grace; I'll be here to catch you if you do. Remember me, I'll remember you.

Interested in a quick $50? Be at 700 S. Main St. in Fall River, WI at 1:00 p.m. today! I will be demonstrating for all interested to see the art of pleasing a man. Hey, he's cute even if you aren't interested in me! For those interested in personal visits, I perform for lasagna. It takes hard work to keep up my figure! Happy April Fool's!

I left my place okay. Screen door was frozen shut, but I left after getting it to open. Went to grocery store and bought a few things. Came back. Door was beyond frozen shut! Could not get open for the life of me. In fact, door handle pulled off in my hand. Tried getting at the hinges, but the hinge plate wouldn't pop out. Couldn't get the windows to open either. Tried heating the mechanism with a lighter, but couldn't get it hot enough. So I gave up. Went to the manager's office and started writing a note. Elaine came out to see what I was doing. Told her door broke. She got her husband. He tried the door. No luck. He tried the windows. No luck. We walked around back and tried those. No luck. Went back to the office to grab the stepstool and pull apart one of the back windows. Stopped to try the front again on the way. Door was locked somehow. Hinges won't pull out because of screws on interior of jamb. Windows are painted/swollen/frozen shut. Pulling caulk off the windows did nothing other than crack a pane. Tried again with my usual window (habit of leaving keys in place and door locks automatically). Finally got the upper section to pull down. Tried getting the screen door open from there, but not tall enough to see what I was doing and didn't seem to help. He tried. No luck. Both of us almost fell out of the window when we tried. Finally got the bottom pane to pull up. First foot was like pulling a ton of bricks. Got it up enough to get through. Pushed screen door open from there. And talked about it. Bad seals on interior means moisture freezes on exterior, etc. He used a putty knife to scrape off a lot of it and I came in to warm up. I'm so flipping cold! Fingers feel numb/frozen, feet are beyond chilly, and all of me just feels like I spent most of the hour outside. Because I did! Now does anyone see why I want to move?

As people have pointed out when I've hugged them goodbye, I sometimes tend to do it way too hard. It's not exactly uncommon for people to tell me to let go. Usually with words to the effect of, "That hurts." And I usually apologize a little about that. It's usually not my intent to hurt people when I hug them. I generally only hug family members and friends who request it. I generally minimize physical contact where I can. I wave hello just by holding up my hand after all. Most of my friends refer to it as saying, "How." And a lot of the time, it feels like an obligation with family so I don't really enjoy it that much. If I'm somewhere because it's expected of me and not somewhere I eagerly am, I'd rather just leave without any ceremony. Most of the time when I hug friends it's completely voluntary. And the past couple of times, I've initiated it. See, told you I wasn't as afraid of touching people as I used to be! And my reasons for hugging? Pretty much the same as anyone else's, I guess. I'll substitute temporary physical closeness for a perceived lack of emotional bonding. I'll do it because I've missed them. I'll substitute one form of physical closeness for another that's more acceptable. Not everyone will accept a kiss, but most will accept a hug. Most of the time, especially when I hug too hard, it's because I know I will miss them in the time before I get to see them again.

So, basically, this is where I talk to myself and try to solve my own problems with life, the universe, and everything. Knowing the answer is 42 sometimes isn't a lot of help, after all. And why this forum instead of a real shrink? Well, look at the term I'm using to describe mental health professionals. I do not respect them. There are some who honestly try to help, but trying isn't doing. Not to mention this is cheaper. :) It also solves a couple other problems. There are sometimes things I wish to say to people, but find myself not doing so for various reasons. Fear they'll leave, fear they'll want more than I can give, because I think it sounds pathetic, etc. So if you think a post is about you, it quite well could be. You might want to ask first before you do anything irrevocable though.