Ever been given something so wonderful you were just knew you'd die if you lost it? You'd beg borrow lie and steal to keep it... only to lose it because you did. You sit there.. broken torn bleeding and empty.. looking at the road ahead of you that you were so sure you'd travel.. you're sitting there on your suitcase with your head in your hands wondering how in the hell you let it get so bad.. you're left with nothing... Adam and whoever else reads this.. you too Rachel. I wanted nothing more on this earth than to get the chance to make you happy... to wash away my past and move on into the future with you... I didnt know how long that'd take and i was selfish for lying to keep you with me until i could. I wasnt trying to cause you pain, i was simply blessed with something before I was prepared for it.. and i took the cowards way out of my problems. I made alot of changes in my life.. to get to that future i so desperatly wanted.. I neglected to clear up those blemishes I'd created in the beginning for fear they'd cost me everything with the truth. I'm not a perfect person, on the contrary.. i'm pretty fucked. But please.. Do not think i was playing games.. that is sooo not true. I didnt expect to fall inlove when i was playing on CT, but i did.. and it was a mad dash to the finish to get prepared for it.. while trying desperately not to lose it in the meanwhile. I was playing no games, i meant every word of love i ever uttered.. about us and the future.. I was just not in the position i wanted to be in to obtain it.. and scared to death i'd lose it before i was. I'm the fool, the loser, the one who deserves to sit here... her world in shattered pieces at her bare feet.. For being sooooo fucking stupid to ruin the best thing I'd ever had and will never get back. but Adam... even though you have so much anger towards me ... just know in your heart.. I loved you, i LOVE you with everything I am.. or ever hope to be.