"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of! work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let
their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind! is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a
~ Dave Howell !
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of
Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo
Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This
natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the
regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the
human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But
naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In
this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's
why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not !
After reading all of the above, I have a new personal rule, "I WILL
NO LONGER WORK DURING DRINKING HOURS.