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Irish's blog: "Funnies"

created on 02/14/2007  |  http://fubar.com/funnies/b55410

Husband takes the wife to a Club.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large. He’s break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people...the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down!"

Husband says, "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!" Husband takes the wife to a Club.

" Morning Sex "
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
 The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
 As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
 
Afterward's she said,"Thanks,"and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,"What was that all about?"
She explained,"The egg timer's broken."


Husband’s Message (by mobile phone): 

Honey,  I got hit by a car outside of the office.  Paula brought me to the Hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, will not have any serious or lasting injury. But, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot. 

 

Wife’s Response: 

Who is Paula?


The only cow in a small town in Texas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a super milk cow up in Antigo, Wisconsin, for $2,000.00.


They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.


They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.


They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."


The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Wisconsin?"


The people were dumbfounded,  since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?"


The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wisconsin."

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
Walking with his legs spread apart.
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
A nd one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help
But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,
"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"


The old man said,
"I thought it was G A S - but I was wrong, too!"

The Pope and the Rabbi


Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.  However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other :


The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.


Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.


The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us.
He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.
'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said.
'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.
'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here.'
'And then what?' asked a woman.
'Who knows...' said the Rabbi, 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'

THE OLDER WOMAN
 I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.                  
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.                     

                  
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. 
                                           
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever Had a Sportsman's Double.                                               
'What's that?' I asked..                                                      
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly. 
                                               
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'. 
I went back to her place.
                                          
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
__________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
__________
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
__________
A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________
A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________
Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'
__________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
_________
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________

'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'

A while back, I picked up a lovely date at her parent's home. I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu: Patron tequila, Shrimp cocktail, foie gras. Lobster, Dom Perignon champagne.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."


I said, "Would you care for dessert ?"

There once was an American Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her andtook her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took he deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why? OH, come on... take a guess! Think about it (You're going to love this……) You can't kill two birds with one stone!!
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