Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
December 16
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
December 17
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling, but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
December 18
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being to romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
December 19
Dear John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
December 20
Dear John:
When I opened the door, there were actually six geese a laying on my steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge, where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop!!
Cordially,
Agnes
December 21
Dear John:
What's with you and those friggin' birds??? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck, it's not funny. So stop with the friggin' birds!!
Sincerely,
Agnes
December 22
O.K. BUSTER:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is cow shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart ass.
Agnes
December 23
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist. Now there's nine pipers playing. And damn, do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stomping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do!!? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Agnes
December 24
You rotten prick:
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit! The Commissioner of Building has subpoenaed me to show cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm siccing the police on you,
Agnes
December 25
Listen Shithead:
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, the rotten vicious swine.
Yours sworn enemy,
Agnes
December 26
LAW OFFICES
BADGER, BENDER & CAJOLE
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
December 26
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction of course was total. All future correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
