CANDIE FE2 Nikolai's blog: "The sorrow I feel."

I hope everyone had a wonderful Valentines Day. I had to work and be amongst all the last minute shoppers who dont understand that this day  is  the same day every year. Ok I am a procrastinator I understand this, But if Valentines Day is on the 14th why do I go shop for this day on the 13th or 14th and actually expect there to be anything good left? I DON'T. So why do all the others do this year after year.? Today is my rant day and I feel the need to share it with you. For some of you this is about you, for others it has nothing to do with you. And since I haven't been sleeping due to this cold lately, my mind is in a different place. I remember always being told that 1 day I will wake up and smell the coffee. How about turn abouts fair play? How about even today could be your day. Well I have now made it my day. And yes it's all about me. ME ME ME. I'm tired of always being the 1 sitting by the phone waiting to get your call. I'm tired of being the 1 sitting online waiting for you to take a minute out of your busy schedule to say hi. Which you never do unless i say hi first. I will no longer make myself available to anyone who hasn't made themself available to me in return. I can say I LOVE YOU till I'm blue in the face and it never really matters does it? I can be here for you when you need me no matter what time of the day or night it is. I can be there for you if you ever needed me to and all you ever had to do was say when. I can be that 1 person you can tell all your secrets to. And I will sit and listen to them without ever saying a word. Untill your done and need me to say something. And you always know it would be the truth. I don't have a filter.  The things that people take for granted, others of us don't. I wasn't born skinny. I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. And when I work now I work hard for what I do have. I guess through the years I have grown accustomed to being looked over. Or looked upon like a freak.  For lack of a better word I AM FAT. But I AM BEAUTIFUL.  I want all the same things everyone else wants in life. I know I have to work for them.  Being fat doesn't mean I don't have needs or wants. I need and want more then some will ever know. The problem is finding that 1 special person to give me what I need. And it's not money I need. I long to lay next to you at night. My arm around your waist, my head resting on your shoulder., my warm breath gently blowing on your neck. My fingers rolling a piece of your hair in my fingers until we fall asleep. I want your face to be the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night. I want to spend my long days at work thinking of nothing but you. The excitement of knowing you will be there when I walk through the door. I want to see the look in your eyes when we make love .Like I'm the only girl you will ever see. I want to sit at your knees resting my head on your legs while you watch TV. I want to look into your eyes and know exactly what you want and when you want it. See my needs arent much different then yours. I just see them in a different way. I am so sad that I will never experience these  things with you.  In reality I know this will never happen. Because I can face the truth. The truth now isnt so differnt from 20 or even 30 years ago. The things I want and need are out of my grasp. Not because they arent there, but because society has made them unavailable to me. My reality is looking back at me everytime I look in the mirrow. But I'm not going to dwell on the * If I were 20 years younger bullshit. Because relity is I ill never be 30 again. Time to move on. So I shall be alone. All by myself. And watch the world revolve around me. Plans made for futures.  A future I shall never see again. Thats my reality. I will wear my fake smile and act like everything is ok. When deep down inside things are tearing me apart. Nothing I can do about it but live with it. We deal with what we were dealt. As shall I. Make no mistake though, My fight isnt gone yet. And I shall fight with my last breath.