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This will just be a quick update about the things that have happened to me since the last time I updated...which seems to be about 3 years ago.  To start, I'm 23 now and I hate it.  So, I was at Gettysburg College and beginning my sophmore year when I gave one of my exs from high school a second chance and we have been together (not necessarily always happy) since then.  We are going on 4 years of being together.  Our 4 year anniversary is this month and we're both excited to celebrate it, like we are excited to celebrate every year we're together.  :)

Gettysburg College was jerking me around.  I couldn't decide what my maor was going to be and when i finally decided, the department chair was NEVER keeping the appointments, so I had to do more tracking down than I needed.  When I finally got into the department, it hit me that all the degree was going to get me was a starving artist position.  If I was lucky, I MAYBE could get a job in a gallery, but I wanted to create art more than remembering who and what movement a piece is from.  So I would never be better than a starving artist, putting all my future money into art supplies and studio space.  I decided to look into classes that would help me get a career, starting with online classes, but then when I went home for the summer, I started looking for schools around in the area (there were other factors into that decision, some things that made me NEED to get away from Gettysburg as fast as possible).  On top of that, they were too busy making the college prestigious to care about the students' needs.  A lot of the dorms did not have A/Cs so we either had to buy our own fans or get doctor notes to have an A/C put into the rooms.  My second year there, I had my doctor write a note and I was NEVER given the A/C and August in Gettysburg is pretty warm.  The theme house I was living in my second year was FULL of dust and mold and it was never cleaned properly.  Nothing at the college was clean, and yet they were destroying a part of the fields I loved to go to at night to look at the stars for a new gym.  Ugh!!  Anyway...

We looked at GMU, Montgomery College and the Art Institute of Washington.  I chose to attend the last one and when I had to decide what my major would be, I chose Game Art and Design, so now I'm studying how to make video games.  I love it.  I have about one year left and then I'm graduating.  I'm so glad I changed schools and moved on from all that "traditional" college experience.  I have to say that I got so caught up in the hype and such of having a traditional college experience that I ended up fucking up my personal life in my freshman year.  I still am sorry for all the people I hurt that year.  But it was my own fault.

So here I am, creating my portfolio and trying to kill time while waiting for my group members to contact me about something we need to do for a Promoting Yourself class.  We have to do a 30 second elevator pitch, video tape it, put it on youtube and email it to our professor by tomorrow.  No class until Thursday means I get to possibly play some xbox later.  But I got a lot of work to do since our school is in the quarter system and we get 10-11 weeks of classes.  Fun fun.  Maybe I will post some work, maybe not.

In late March/April, I was diagnosed with gallstones and about 8 weeks ago, I had surgery to remove my gallbladder.  My blood sugar has been high and I finally lowered it enough for it to be in the normal range.  This is all good, since I had gained a ton of weight.  Now I have lost over 30 lbs since I was first diagnosed.  Sadly I hit a plateau and I have been at the same weight for a few weeks.  But now I can work out with the intensity I want, everything has healed up.  I plan on running in a zombie run somewhere around here, but I have to start training.

Random note: I had to change my industrial barbell to two rings.  

if anyone has a tumblr, that's where I blog the most.  I hardly ever come on here anymore since I'm happy with my relationship.  But i come on here every once in awhile, if anyone needs me, leave a message or chat when i get on next time.  I miss a few of you.

what do you do when the one you love doesnt give you wat you need? doesnt give you the respect or listen to wat you say? when you need to hear from him, need to know wat he is doing cuz you are so afraid he will find someone else? what do you do when the one you love is with a friend of theirs you dont like cuz he is the reason the one you love got into trouble wit the law? what do you do when you feel the one you love pulling away and the harder you try to hold on, the more they pull? what do you do when everything becomes a fight and you see your relationship falling apart piece by piece? wat do you do when you notice the changes as he keeps denying they are there? wat do you do when you need a daily reminder that the one you love wont leave you and most of the time he wont say anything about it cuz he assumes you know he wont leave? wat do you do when the time together is better than the worryin, the broken promises, the guessin and the fights when he isnt there? is this love worth saving? is there any chance? is he telling me the truth? is there a way to trust when my trust has been badly abused? ...why?
drama is apparently part of my life, just as it is a part of everyone's lives. the drama of friends, love, and work take a toll in all of our lives. i hate when ppl say that they are lookin for drama-free people and then create drama of their own that i have to then heal. i protect my friends, i protect what is the courteous way to do things, not the quick way out. i'm not gonna lie, i have taken the quick way out of things but it's never as satifying as doing things the RIGHT way. not as satisfying as gettin the whole story from BOTH SIDES and deciding which side is deserving of your wrath and which is deserving of your sympathy. why cant ppl just stop and think about the other person and where they are coming from on the issue? why can no one ask the question "what happened to make so-and-so feel this way?" or "i have been there and i felt this and it sucks, let me ease their pain or let the other one know why i can relate?" why dont people try to relate anymore? try to put themselves in other people's shoes? try to experience what someone else is feeling for once in their lives and realize that maybe that someone is hurting more than the person you're standing up for? sometimes the victim is not your friend as you once thought it was, but the one who is being accused for no reason other than the accuser is a bitch who cant be nice, but HAS to cause drama. sometimes you are blinded by the hope that your friend has changed even when you know how she is. pain happens. no matter how much you try to block it out, it happens and it sucks. the more pain you have, the more you CAN experience happiness IF you pick yourself up. IF you can try to help yourself. pick up a hobby, something to fall back on when times get hard again. life is never easy, no one can say it is. if they can, then they have never experienced much. i feel that the more emotion you experience, the more you HAVE experienced in life. if you can survive it. i know about pain, i have been in the same position: cutting, trying to die...i have been there and i have done it over many men who i thought had my heart. in the end, the one you love will never hurt you as bad as they can, they will never break your heart, they will never leave you no matter what. dont sell yourself short. you will find who you were meant to be with regardless of how many bitches try to hurt you. all i can say is stay strong and you will be fine before you know it. you know who you are.

so my summer is basically ending...or at least windoing down to the end. my friends are all going to orientation so everyday until the 30th is gonna be lonely and depressing. i'm gonna miss them, especially after last year. last year whenever i came home i would have to wait the couple of weeks until they were free from school's torturous hours to hang out and have fun just relaxing. i also had to end my breaks alone while they were at school, gettin thru their last year of high school. but the main thing was that they were all in the same place: HERE. now we are all spread out. i go to gettysburg, alison is going to boston, rachel to chicago and i forget where precious is going. we are gonna be growing apart now and become wrapped up in our own lives and majors and love life dramas. the only good thing is that we will hopefully still be coming back to DC for breaks and have time for each other. this year, i'm not in a dorm. i opted for a theme house with friends i met in an early orientation last year. i am really excited. my best friend last year is my roommate this year. we had fun all last year just hangin out everyday and doing as much as we could. my roommate is a senior so she's really excited about it being her last year and how much fun she is gonna have. i'm excited for her. the house we are in is next to two frats: Crow and Teak (spelled how we pronouce them). Crow is known for puttin a scale out front and weighin every girl who came in. if she was over a specific weight, she couldnt come into the party. they are right next to us. Teak is the one i have to worry about. they are known for date raping girls at their parties, and for doing a lot harder stuff than weed. we joke that if Teak was torn down, you would find drugs in the walls and ceilings. i heard of hazing they put their pledges thru which has been dubbed "the puppy story" and it makes me shiver every time i hear it. I make a big step this year. i declare a major. i have decided on studio arts. i figure arts as a broad major will be more beneficial than a psych major for instance. The reason why is cuz you need creativity in most jobs and to get around situations. for example: web designers, and ad designers need creativity to create things that will get people to respond positively to wat they offer. you need creativity for screen writing, acting in a role (how will you say this? does your character have his own twitch or hand motion like heath ledger did for the joker? etc). an arts major will make me think outside the box on how to convery a certain emotion or image in a unique way. plus it can be applied to many different jobs instead of just one path like a psych major. if you have a mid life crisis as an art major, you can get another creative job easily because thinking outside the box is needed the most, whereas if you are just trained as a psych major and you have a mid life crisis, you're stuck. you would have to go back to college and find a different major or something else to do. i cant wait!! i'm so excited about this year. and no, i promise i wont be a straving artist. lol PS: here's the song of the moment ("ego" by the sounds) and i cant find a vid of it

today has been productive actually. considerin last night it was so hot and still that i couldnt sleep even if i wanted to in my room, i went downstairs and read until 4:30. mom woke me up at close to 8 cuz maria had to get to school so i went upstairs and slept more. woke up about 2 hours later, watched "nightmare on elm street" and part of "th longest day" while putting dishes in the dishwasher (had to look somewhat productive). i also worked on training romeo to obey commands for a treat. he doesnt know the usual commands like "come", "sit", "down", "stay"...if he feels like obeying you, he knows "sit" and he knows "shake". of course roxie got in the way but it worked out. i also set up and appointment for a dell technian to come here and replace the motherboard to my laptop so it will work (i hope). the woman said between 9:30 and 5:30 and of course i have to run to carter baron to get tickets for shakespeare in the park's performance of hamlet (3rd time in half a year that i get to deal wit hamlet) at noon. i also watched "gentlemen prefer blondes" and "robin hood men in tights" as i decorated my room with posters. tomorrow i have to deal with the surplus of clothes in my room and shifting stuff around. the posters were under my bed, where a tub of clothes will go so to get more space, i had to decorate today. i also made pasta and chicken noodle soup today. and i looked for a job online, i plan to apply to pizza hut :P i would say it was a very productive day, and i be sleepy :)
so i moved home from college successfully. my shit is divided into clothes and stuff i need, and stuff that can be saved until august when i move back. my clothes are all OVER my floor. i have no room for them either. oh well. the worst part is, i need to do laundry and all the laundry baskets are holding my clothes from college :( i finally turned 19. it was like a 3 day thing too. thursday night we went to the uptown to see the new indiana jones movie which kicked ass! then friday my parents took me and my best friend rachel out to dinner at maggiano's in friendship heights. saturday, rachel, alison and precious came over and we went to the mall and steve tried to come to see me but he got lost and his car broke down in DC. i got to see him sunday :D i am lookin for a job still. not much luck. right now i am tryin to find a job, helpin around the house and tryin to have some time for me. i love summer :D

the ones i wish i could have and i was going to share to let him know how i felt about him: http://youtube.com/watch?v=otMB3WVQNVg the second one is the one that says it all... he deserves so much better than me...he always will...everyone says it wasnt my fault but i will always feel like it was. story of the year "anthem of our dying day" kill hannah "lips like morphine" http://youtube.com/watch?v=JH4c6D0vLuc i deserve to be treated better and he deserves a better girl...i wasnt enough for him and i suck at life as usual...

last night, i drove hom and i picked up my friend at her house so she could sleepover at mine. we were so close to making it home. there was just a ton of traffic in adams morgan. everything was creeping and i thought i had a lot of room in front of me so i looked over at something on the sidewalk and then the next thing i knew, i hit the SUV ahead of me. a diplomat no less. i backed up and put in park wit my flashers on and he did the same and got out. i got semi out and asked "are you ok?!" nothing. he kept looking at his car besides giving me the dirtiest look in the world. "are you ok?!" i wanted a fuckin answer. "do you need my information??" still nothing. finally he muttered something and was heading back to his car. "wat?" i was confused and starting to hurt. "you're free to go. there was no damage to my car so you're free to go" and he sped off. no joke. i thought i had whiplash but i dont know, my muscles in my back and neck hurt a little bit, nothing some medicine wont fix. rachel kept comforting me and i texted like everyone i knew about it. i felt so bad about it. i still do. "welcome home" essien texted me sarcastically. i wish it hadnt been that bad of a welcome... my poor car needs to get the whole front fixed and i wont have a car at college now, but thankfully, that's the least of our worried. my friend and i werent hurt and now insurance doesnt have to pay for both my car and the other one. just glad it happened close to home. and now...i need to help shannan wit her issue... and i'm wondering if taking a break from love would be a good idea...i cant deal wit it now and i think i'm too insecure for it...i guess we'll see...
so i was sitting in shakespeare, not really paying attention because i just couldnt focus at all today. i missed a lot of notes cuz i was staring off into space in my little corner of the room. for some reason, that class can either go really fast or REALLY slow. today was REALLY fuckin slow. i checked my phone every couple of minutes and sometimes it would be surprising that 10 minutes went by in what felt like 45. just THAT slow. and it's really nice outside so that doesnt help a bit. finally it was 11:50 and i counted that i only had to sit there for 25 more minutes when BRING!! FIRE DRILL! professor t decided that we would just continue discussing "measure for measure" on friday even tho we're supposed to read the first 2 acts of "macbeth". oh well. so the fire drill ended class and now i'm hungry andwaiting for shannan and i hope beth doesnt grab her before i do for lunch. but yay!! i have more than 2 hours before my next english class!! happy!
last night rocked. i went over to my friend mike's house and we watched "without a paddle" on TV. him and kat arent talkin anymore and kat isnt bugging me about it cuz i think she was pissed me and him were still friends. so i let him rest his head on me and we had fun just hanging out. he kissed me tho. it didnt happen again, i guess cuz his roommates came and joined us in the common room. i know his roommate chris and he's really cool. i met matt last night and after mike introduced us, matt said "i come bearing beer!" and went into the kitchen to put the beer box down. i got a beer ^_^ this girl, morgan (bitch) joined us too and didnt try to be friendly to me. she didnt even say anything to me. mike hates her. i eventually left cuz katelin was basically beggin me to head over to her house which is on the other side of campus. i headed over there and got there about 9:30 or 10. i helped her set up the pong game and we praticed. she gave me a mixed drink of vodka and fruit punch, strong on the vodka. i was def getting tipsy fast cuz i hadnt eaten before. starsha, katrice and will came and joined us. we all sat around, drinking and talkin and laughin. me and katelin played pong for a bit. i was on my 2nd cup of mixed drink when people decided to go to 7-11. i put down my drink and we left. i got katelin a drink and i got me cheetos. some guys outside made a comment about gays and straights which pissed katelin off cuz she's gay. we got her out of there pretty fast, tho everyone else didnt hear the comment cept me and katelin. it's a good thing we got her out of therer, she was threatening to fuck the boys up and kept yelling it. she got kinda depressed after that and got even MORE messed up. she went and smoked half a blunt and on the way back in, she saw katrice, starsha and will leaving. they def told her they were leaving, i heard them thru the door. when katelin was done talkin to them, she came back and sat next to me. we talked a bit and she asked me three times where everyone had gone. i laughed and she cleaned up the common room. we stumbled outside and got into her car. she called her friend owen and we headed over to sig nu and smoked a blunt wit owen in a room in the garage. we had fun and then we left cuz S-n-S was coming. katelin got on the phone and dropped me off at my dorm tellin me to have a wonderful night cuz i'm a wonderful person. the last thing i remember before passing out in bed was texting her. i think i texted her telling her she should be kissing me and that i was really drunk and high. she texted back sayin "damn" and "you wanna come back over?" but by then i was passed out and i didnt get it until after 10 this morning when i woke up. fun weekend!! :D
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