My name is Jim; I'm an alcoholic. I've clocked little time in this program damn little, but I'm working on another day.
I've found that I have a relatively low tolerance for incompetence. I get real tired of working with imbeciles who either don't have enough common sense to perform a menial task or who dont give a damn about anything but their time cards. But I'm becoming a little more forgiving of the ones with no common sense. Hell, they have a heavy enough cross to bear without my adding to the load.
Today I demonstrated a little of my own incompetence by losing a company check for three hundred dollars. I asked my Higher Power to help me find it, but He didnt know where it was either. I guess I'll have to make a call and ask that guy to write me another one.
I was driving down the street in heavy traffic today and a couple of morons pulled out in front of my truck. I had to lock up the brakes. Then the passenger in that car turned around and laughed at me. If I were still drinking, I'd probably have run them off the road. But I just drove on and didn't give them the pleasure of seeing me get mad. That's a big step for me. Every day I seem to become a little more human.
I've never had a sponsor, but Ive had a friend or two who have been there for me when I needed them. I never intended to be a sponsor because I play by my rules. I've never completed a single step in this program, I don't accept a Higher Power and I sure as hell have no intention of making amends to a lot of people I've hurt in the past. Most of them were assholes who deserve to die. But I've managed to stay sober and become a better person.
About six months ago, a friend called and told me that he'd just been released from the hospital. His liver was shot. Alcohol had cost him his family, his job and his health. The doctors gave him a fifty-fifty chance of seeing the new-year if he gave up the bottle. He wanted me to be his sponsor, and I accepted.
Actually, I had no idea what I should do for this guy other than just be there for him when he needed me. He got a job and went back to school, and he seemed to regain his enthusiasm for life. I took a lot of pride in his accomplishments.
I attended his memorial service today. He died sober, but I guess his body never recovered from the past abuse. Maybe this will make me a better person.
I don't think that everything happens for a reason. Everything just happens, and then we, as human beings, create a line of bullshit to make the end result more palatable. We're all here on our own. Nobody's going to save you from the hell of drugs and alcohol but yourself. You are your own Higher Power. Damn sure you can take a lot of people down with you.
Today I can function in society. Sobriety has brought certain repressed memories to the surface, and every day I come a little closer to accepting myself. That self-acceptance takes the place of the only other thing that kills the pain, so I'll sleep tonight. Thank you.
