DonkeyPunch's blog: "Lances' list of things to bitch at."

****(((((for the few who can read this post, this was a venting letter I wrote original for myself. over and over and over again for weeks. now that I'm happy with it and am done rewriting it. I don't know if I should send it. thoe what i wrote I do feel. I just don't know If I could send it. it just seems like it's the finial piece. it just scares me...

I'm not saying it will do/change anything. I really don't know how to explain it.

It just seems once I send it, that's it. I have to let go. I held on to such anger and hate towards them because I missed them, and anger was better then letting go and having them out of my life for good...

for the few who read it and know any idea whats going on. input would be accepted ))))))*******

Someone recently told me Thanksgiving and Christmas time is a time of being thankful (naturally) and for being Selfless, A time to forgive. I’ve sat for days on that, thinking of what the truly meant to me. So I sat, I counted my blessings, All this things I’ve dealt with in the last year, the experiences, the time I’ve had with my friends, the people I’ve gotten closer with, My family and their lives and health, as well as my own. This last year for me as been fantastic is so many ways, yet in others…not so much.

Now I can sit here and bore you with the woes of my life, in hope that you care? In some masochistic sickness thinking you’ll feel some sort of gratification knowing if I suffered? Or just simply because I feel if I don’t say SOMETHING, I’ll never truly be o.k. . . I’ve gone through each day playing out what happened, not a single day do you both not cross my mind. Don’t get me wrong! Not all of what swarms my head is bad, rotten or resentful. There are plenty of good things as well. I mean, let’s face it, He was my best-friend, my family, my brother. I loved him, not many memoires I have that don’t involve him. I was there for me when I had no one, when I was young and homeless, through all my drama, my shitty relationships, the birth of my son. Shit, he was always there. He was family. I trusted him with my life. He was my brother…

Then there’s you…

I loved you so much, I adored you. Loving you was fun, innocent,  it was just that… Love. You where the smartest, most caring, sweetest girl I’ve ever met, I loved being in love with you. I never was once ashamed of you, I was proud to be with you, I let you in my life deeper than anyone, more so then the mother of my child.  My friends loved you.  My family respected you. I lived with you. I was happy. You stood by me when things got rough for me, you loved me and where patient with me after I got Diagnosed, after it got the best of me and I was utterly depressed. You where still there, by my side, I can never thank you enough for what you did for me. That’s why I loved you….

Now comes the point where I deal with the forgiveness aspect of the emotional personal dilemma of mine. I have to face the fact that the Two people who where a part of my life so much, who I loved more than anything else. Who I trusted…Hurt me more than anything.

You could have had anyone, you’re amazing, beautiful. YOU COULD HAVE HAD ANYONE! You choose my best friend. You choose him, my Brother. It hurts to think that mere weeks after we spilt up, sleeping with my best friend didn’t seem wrong to you, that something like that could “ just happen”. But Then moving in with him and dating him and Hiding it?

Then there’s him…

I saw him almost every day after out split, I sat with him, laughed, told jokes, just hang out. I needed him, I was lucky to have my friend. I sat and cried over you half the time to him, and he’d always smile and put his arm around me and say,’ I know she still loves you man, don’t stress it, everything will be fine, no more moping” I trusted my friend, and I believed him. But the stabbing pain that hurts me to this day is knowing now that he would turn around and go fuck you. But that never stopped him from sitting there the next night at my house, at my table. Watching me tell him how much I love you.

You stole my best friend from me it feel, I’ll never get that back from you, you stole my best friend. I blame him to, I’m at an complete lose of what to even say. Just…why? After all these years, after all the shit we been though? After all your preaching of “stop fuckin’ my friends” After family man! Fuckin’ family!  Why? I’ve let what you two did hurt since they day I found out the nightmares, the visions, the loss of friends, the hurt, the humiliation, the loss. Not only did you take my best friend from me. He stole the woman I love from me. Missing you, thinking about you and crying is one thing. But I don’t have that last memory of you anymore.  I have this, I have you two together, and the loss of friends, the angry, the envy, the hurt, THE FUCKING HATE!

...And I’m tired of it.

I don’t want to feel it anymore, I don’t lose sleep another night, I don’t want to cry anymore, I’m tired of the visions, I’m tired of the pain. I want my best friend back; I want to love you again. I want to smile for real again. I want to laugh with you guys again and hear your voices…

The thing is, I want a lot of things. In reality, I know I’m not getting everything.

Forgiveness. Why does an act/emotion that is meant to be so good, be so hard? Yet anger towards this seems so justifiable and easy? Why does doing what’s right feel wrong? when it shouldn’t. When you forgive someone, they usually are sorry. I don’t even know if either of you think you did something wrong. I don’t know. But whatever your feeling are…I’m ok.

I’m sorry If wasn’t the best of friend at times.

I’m sorry if I didn’t love you enough.

I’m sorry I changed.

I’m sorry I hurt you.

I’m sorry if I didn’t listen.

I’m sorry I didn’t try harder.

I’m sorry I lost you both.

I’m sorry….

                                                                                Lance Matthews